Indigenous
by restfulsky5
Summary: The two of them were at odds, broken in friendship. McCoy, for once in his career, didn't know how to fix things. He, the physician, the one who was supposed to heal, could only rub raw the festering wounds of his best friend. As the Enterprise crew rediscovers a lost race, Jim's world falls apart. Losing his best friend was only the beginning.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I'm very excited to be back with a new story, one that is triumvirate focused and a little on the angsty side. I'd like to clarify that this one is set in an entirely different universe than my others. We're starting afresh! Also, unlike in my other stories, there is no Jim/Carol pairing, just friendship. As the writer, I reserve the right to dance around the idea, however. Spock and Uhura are distinctly together. :-) I'll be updating weekly. Maybe sooner if I can swing it. Thank you, DLB48, for offering your wonderful beta reading skills. You go above and beyond- and I am exceedingly grateful.

Thanks so much for reading!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Star Trek.

* * *

"Young Kirk, your refusal to kill Khan resulted in the deaths of thousands of innocent people, civilians and members of Starfleet alike." Prince Lequa's silken voice swept over Nyota. The surrounding beauty of the prince's home mesmerized her, as did the tones of each of the Re'an, but she couldn't ignore the demoralizing accusation directed at the captain. She stiffened. "How can we, as a primitive society, be expected to trust your Starfleet...your Federation...if one man can cause such irrevocable harm?"

Nyota delicately raised the goblet to her lips, curving her fingers around the glass and fighting the urge to scramble over to the captain and insert herself in front of enemy fire. The Re'an were old friends of the Federation? Hardly. She swallowed, the liquid burning as it slid down her throat. Kirk's jaw clenched as he undoubtedly fought the urge to defend himself and Starfleet.

The Enterprise crew had stumbled upon their current mission as they were already in deep space, three months into their five-year exploration of the unknown. The Re'an, a race distinguishable by their six and a half foot slender forms, blue skin tones, broad foreheads, and voluminous peach-colored eyes, disappeared nearly twenty years ago. The Enterprise had come upon them less than seven days earlier. Now, Kirk was to promote the standard of peace that they had always shared between themselves and these indigenous beings of Beta Re'an IV before they disappeared. She'd heard Prince Lequa's frank observation, of course. As hurtful as that was to hear, it was McCoy's failure to show support of the captain which cut to the quick. McCoy knew more than most how stressful it was for Kirk to reply to such a deviously played comment.

McCoy's eyes fixated on the prince or the guards and never once strayed to his best friend in his usual emotional support. In fact, his body shifted away from Kirk. It was the faintest of change in mannerisms and one a capable linguist could detect blindfolded.

"Sir, with all due respect, I believe the root of the problem does not lie entirely with the decisions I made as captain at that time. They exposed cracks and flaws within our system that are being rectified to the best of our ability as we speak."

"There are cracks, and there are deep fissures which have no way to be mended."

"It was the evil doing of men, Prince Lequa. A false sense of hierarchy that many peoples face across the galaxy when leaders become hungry for power to protect themselves at any cost."

"Ah, men," the prince smiled. "Now we get to my point."

Kirk's eyes narrowed. "Please, continue."

"Our understanding is that men - your human comrades - are capable of great things as well as the worst of things. It saddens my heart to see such an imbalance in your world." The prince paused. "Here, my people learned long ago that evil gives us nothing."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Our people are too strong for it to exist. It cannot have any power over us whatsoever. Thus, it simply vanished."

Kirk smiled. "We, as humans, have learned more about ourselves by fighting for good and overcoming evil. It compels us to endure, to have compassion."

"We do not need to learn such virtues."

"And humility, Prince Lequa?"

"You are quick, Captain Kirk."

"Evil may have soiled our history, but overcoming it gives us promise for the future."

"Promise?"

"Hope," Kirk said quietly.

"Do you know of such a history? Do you have a history like this, young Kirk?"

"I am an Iowa born, Starfleet captain who will always stand partly in the shadow of my father."

"So you had a taste?"

"Not as much as some," Kirk exhaled a breath. "I lost my father by the hands of a madman the very day I was born. He saved hundreds because of his sacrifice."

"Very tragic, indeed."

"That loss has given me that which I aspire to. The greatness that was in my father."

McCoy made a faint noise in his throat. Did he disagree? Why would he do such a thing? Nyota looked discretely at Spock, who watched McCoy with detached concern.

"That is admirable, Young Kirk," the prince stated.

Kirk's face tightened, his eyes reflecting a hard glint. "I know my past actions may be considered as...brash. Since then, I have learned. Those lessons I do not take for granted."

The prince's children entered and clambered around their parents, disrupting the conversation. Their faces exhibited the joy their people were known for as they were greeted with the same enthusiasm by their parents. The banquet was over. Kirk bowed to the prince and excused those under his command from the table. Nyota, along with Kirk, elected to stay in the hall to converse with the people who intrigued them so. She felt a special bond with Kirk for this mission. They'd had poured laboriously over everything she knew regarding the Re'an and their communication habits. Kirk not only did that, but he also spent the rest of his preciously spare time at the site where they'd stumbled across a buried weapon. The weapon, of course, caught the attention of Dr. Marcus and Kirk's presence at the site has buffered relations between the team and the ever-curious Re'an.

Kirk's eyes sought McCoy's as the doctor stood from his seat but McCoy strolled from the hall without a single word. A frown flickered across the captain's face. His gaze brushed past the demanding Re'an children to the disappearing form of the doctor. Kirk's eyes still held that undeniable edge and his posture was no different. Whatever emotion Kirk felt, he now held at bay with a perfected control.

Kirk's glance flickered back to the small, bald-headed boy who proudly displayed his domesticated snake across his white cloak. Uhura crowded beside them both, curious now that she saw the boy looked and dressed so much like his father, the prince.

"Captain, are you alright?" She asked in a discreet, soft voice.

"I'm fine." The tick of Kirk's jaw told her otherwise. His smile tight, he held the snake in his hands, allowing it to coil around his wrist and up his forearm.

"That wasn't your usual peace keeping conversation."

"No," Kirk exhaled slowly. "It was not."

"Are you still coming over tonight?" She asked, thinking the question would help relax Kirk.

He stared blankly at her. The snake stretched its body, claiming every inch of Kirk's shoulders with a lazy drape.

"You, McCoy, Christine, Carol...to our quarters?

"I...am afraid I won't be able to make it." His face had almost settled into his practiced captain expression when he seemed to think better of it. His smile filled with tenderness he'd showed her more regularly the past year. The past week, however, the brotherly affection had dwindled to almost nothing. "But you all have fun, alright?"

"Very well, Captain." She considered him silently as he interacted with the boy and his snake. The snake was as charmed as the accompanying child, the captain equally charmed. Kirk reluctantly handed the snake back to the child when it was time to board the Enterprise. As the snake uncoiled from his arm, the child's father sauntered over. Prince Lequa patted the snake's head.

"It has been a delightful visit with your crew."

"It has been too long since our Federation had the honor of your company."

"The displacement of our home is not your doing. But now that you have found us, I hope you will find reason enough to return." The prince's lips curled up in a smile. He extended his arm to the snake. Its tongue darted out, seeking to taste the proffered skin and slithering over to the prince once it determined the owner. "Perhaps seeing how we live will inspire you, as well. This indigenous snake has more intelligence than your earth reptiles. It knows I am its master even before I speak. It will not harm me - or my child."

"Or the captain, father." The boy smiled.

"Indeed, living as connected as you do with the creatures around you is truly remarkable," stated Kirk.

"This snake also has a gift, as do the beasts here."

Kirk glanced at Nyota and raised an eyebrow. "I'm all ears."

"It will only coil around those stronger than themselves. My boy is strong in spirit. We all are. It's inborn, not that we have suffered. But, you, Captain Kirk, have experienced more tragedy than the death of your father or even that of last year."

Kirk gave a small but honest smile. "Once again, the depth of this world amazes me."

"Will you tell us, Captain Kirk? About that tragedy?"

"I fear I cannot," he shook his head.

"We are all entitled to secrets." The prince's patronizing look settled distastefully with Nyota. "I will respect yours since you have respected ours."

The prince offered his hand, an uncharacteristic attempt to show favor towards them as humans.

Kirk shook it after a brief hesitation. "Thank you."

"You are welcome, Captain Kirk." Prince Lequa presented his hand likewise to Nyota. As they shook hands, he pressed his lips to her hand. She stiffened her spine at the faux pas. Under no circumstances was this type of physical contact allowed in the Re'an society except between lovers or spouses. Lequa was too intelligent not to realize he'd blurred the lines between their respective social rules. "Lieutenant, it's been a pleasure."

Kirk's decisive step towards Lequa caused the prince to directly release Nyota's hand. She breathed a sigh of relief, especially on Kirk's behalf, as they still parted cordially.

"That was inappropriate," Kirk muttered under his breath after they stepped outside of the royal home. "And did you see how he looked at you earlier? I'm tempted to-"

"No harm done," she said quickly. She bit her tongue, knowing full well that her husband was no longer as cool and collected as before. It was just as sweet that her captain was also protective. "Perhaps...he just forgot himself."

She returned her attention to her surroundings, especially the lush fields and formidable mountains sweeping over Re'an V. As Kirk had been equivocally entranced by the beauty when they arrived, Nyota frowned as Kirk now ignored it. He glanced directly at those already waiting - Spock, McCoy, and three security officers. Kirk's eyes returned to McCoy as he requested to beam aboard the Enterprise. McCoy offered nothing to acknowledge the captain. If she'd blinked, she'd never caught the glimpse of the hurt McCoy had inflicted upon Kirk.

Nyota's stomach clenched. It was an expression she'd seen on the captain only once. And although it devastated her to think of Kirk's emotional distress on the day Kirk first visited Admiral Pike's grave, she allowed herself the memory. This pain was real. It wasn't anything passing. It was a haunting distress, deeply rooted.

What the hell was going on between the captain and McCoy?

_I will find out, Nyota. _

Hearing her mate's calm reassurance eased her worries slightly, but she still felt compelled to track Kirk's movements as he stepped off the transporter platform upon their return to the ship. Spock, too, warily observed the captain as they followed him to the bridge. There was a slight droop to Kirk's shoulders and a hitch in his step which had not been there before they beamed down to the planet.

Then she remembered. Her skin chilled as the image of the snake curling around Kirk's body crept to the forefront of her mind.

_What did he mean, another tragedy?_

"Lieutenant Uhura, open a shipwide channel." Kirk picked up his PADD as he settled in his chair and sighed.

"Yes, sir." Nyota shook the thought from her mind.

"Captain?" Spock arched an eyebrow.

"Prince Lequa permitted our archaeologists more time at the site. It's good news for Dr. Marcus, who is hoping that a missing piece to the missile is found." Kirk paused, looking over his shoulder at the First Officer. "We're staying another day."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Thank you so much for reviewing and following along - it is wonderful inspiration! DLB48 - I really can't thank you enough for your skillful beta reading!

I wanted to note that there is a progression in this story, a gathering of pieces. So, you're going to have to hang with me for a number of chapters in the beginning while things unfold. The plot (somewhat thick and twisty) is off in the distance still, and I will keep my promise for adventure and angst for much of this story. Patience, my friends. :-) I think this story has the most angsty hurt of any sort (emotional _and_ physical, with a bit of irony) that I've ever placed in Jim's path. Not only for him, but for his friends as well. *_Author whimpers and runs away*_

* * *

Jim peeled off his gold shirt in the corridors, not waiting for the door to open to unwind from the day. With slow steps, he made his way into his quarters. He rumpled his shirt in his fist and sagged against the door after it closed. Satisfaction filled him as he pondered the conversation at the banquet table with Prince Lequa.

He had begun his preparations for peace talks as soon as it became evident that the Enterprise had miraculously stumbled upon the missing civilization. Admiral Pike would hardly have recognized him as he read every single documented conversation with their people, reviewed with Uhura their various ways of communication, and discussed with his command team the multitude of ways the talks could fluctuate. Uhura's research especially fascinated him as she tutored him on the non-verbal ways they conversed amongst themselves using hair styles and animal wearing. He and the crew had been as prepared as they could have been.

Jim, as well as the rest of his crew, were quite intrigued with the Re'an. The away team discovered a surprisingly advanced but ancient weapon the first day on Beta Re'An IV. The missile, similar to a Terran model used during the 22nd century, alluded to a greater sophistication than the Re'an claimed. Since the Re'an are newer inhabitants of their present planet, Prince Lequa gave Dr. Marcus permission to investigate the missile to ensure their civilization was, indeed, free of anything that would promote violence. Archaeologists had yet to find a missing piece to the weapon, but with the additional time they were allowed, it looked hopeful.

Decades of research had gone into producing the body of knowledge Jim had reviewed. Previous contact had revealed them to be a peaceful, but reserved species within the Frederation. Only a century ago did they discover the Re'an were telepathic, but thoughts transferred only between members of their own race. Happy and ready to speak their mind, as was evidenced by Prince Lequa at the banquet, but never exhibiting any tendency towards violence. Approximately twenty years earlier, their entire civilization had suddenly disappeared from their native, Federation planet and not a trace of them could been found...until one week ago when Uhura intercepted communication from them. The Enterprise traced the communication to this remote planet and waited in observation until Jim received word that they could proceed.

After preparing a drink, Jim elected to sit on the couch, still mulling over the day's conversations. Somehow, he'd managed to keep the peace despite the accusation at the dinner table. He had abided by the rules. He was proud of himself for that. Following the rules felt good. Bones' subtle hints that Jim was losing a battle with his past did not.

Jim clenched his jaw and stared into his glass. Bones' conduct at the banquet table stung. It more than stung. The doctor's lack of support was like a powerful punch to his gut during the verbal onslaught at the table.

Bones' attitude was evident in the doctor's constant needling and nagging. All of which aggravated Jim and made him feel helpless, a feeling he most definitely detested. The past was history. He didn't want to dwell on it, so why did Bones? Nightmares and food sensitivities were old news. He had dealt with them before and even though he still dealt with them, he had them under control. Kodos and the events on Tarsus were done and gone. The Enterprise was his world now and Jim was too consumed with his captaincy. He would not allow his past to get in the way. He would not fail. Bones was overly worried.

Jim didn't understand his friend right now - and he didn't want to, not when he was securing approval from the admirals and receiving praise from his crew.

Go to Uhura and Spock's tonight? Jim snorted and swallowed back a quick drink.

He'd rather be poked in both of his eyes by one of Sulu's swords then be around Bones and two attractive, single women for an entire evening.

"Spock to Captain Kirk."

"Yes, Spock."

"Captain, if you are not presently otherwise occupied I desire to speak with you. Perhaps we can meet in your quarters."

"I thought..." Jim hesitated. "Did Nyota cancel because of me?"

"She thought it would be best."

"I see. Well, no, I am not busy, Spock." He fought back a groan, knowing what was coming. "Come on over."

Jim hoped Spock wouldn't ask him about earlier, but it was inevitable. Uhura's eyes had missed nothing. And her ears? Jim had yet to come up with a reasonable answer for the so-called "other tragedy."

"Very well."

Within five minutes, the Vulcan was sitting across from him and playing chess.

"Why didn't you just say you wanted to play a game?" Jim grinned.

Spock arched an eyebrow in response but never broke his concentration. He decisively placed his piece and clasped his hands. "I did not know what your disposition would be after today."

"My disposition?" Jim cracked a wry grin. "Don't you mean...if I would be bent out of shape?"

"Perhaps."

"Uhura noticed, didn't she? How are you by the way?" Jim frowned, thinking of the questionable behavior of Prince Lequa. Tomorrow, Jim would only stay on Re'an for a short time to allow Spock the freedom of accompanying Uhura and warding off any other advances.

"As she said, no harm done. Peace must be kept." Spock tilted his head. "I believe it to be quite telling that her observation of you is equal to that of her."

"She's Uhura, you know," Jim said quietly. "She's..."

He paused, fiddling with a chess piece in between his thumb and forefinger. Trying to find a word or phrase to describe his relationship with Nyota was difficult. Not a single one sufficed. But he'd try.

"...like a sister." Jim raised an eyebrow at Spock, not in the least embarrassed by his lack of eloquence. "Now, don't go telling her I said that. My image, you know."

"I would not dare say anything would negatively impact your notoriety among your crew."

Jim chuckled and stretched back on the couch. "Did she tell you to come talk to me?"

"No, Jim."

Jim blinked, not quite expecting that. "You're here on your own?"

"Yes."

"That's...nice." Jim furrowed his brow. One friend ditches him, another surprises the hell out of him. Nyota and Spock were newly married. Jim shifted in his seat, contemplating how he significantly lowered his expectations for time with Spock ever since that union. Sitting close to Spock as he was now, the void in Jim's heart felt more painful than ever. The agony swelled with every day that passed without the companionship of his first officer, but the thought of causing problems for the couple pained him almost as much. So he stayed away. The fact that Spock was attuned to Jim's needs meant more than he could ever tell the Vulcan.

"Spock, thank you."

"Are you well, Jim? Dr. McCoy-"

Jim jumped to his feet. Although he'd expressed his gratitude towards Spock, he couldn't explain much. "I am perfectly fine. Not a scratch, actually."

He hesitated, wanting Spock to understand he wasn't pushing him away but he could not discuss his situation with Bones.

"But about Dr. McCoy...please don't go there, Spock."

"Jim, you are my captain. You are my friend. You are a man I hold in highest regard. If a conflict arises between you and your physician - your chief medical officer - it is my duty as your friend and First Officer to rectify the problem."

"Nothing. There's nothing."

"Jim."

"Please, don't be intrusive like everyone else has been today," he said tightly. "It won't help me, Spock. It won't help...at all."

"I apologize."

Jim nodded curtly, but couldn't force himself to sit back down. In truth, playing a game of chess was the now last thing he wished to do. Not only had Bones left him in the dust, his Tarsus past almost broke the surface. Feeling ill, Jim could only fixate on the chess board. Spock's eyes were upon him while Jim fought to pull himself together. But as his insecurities mounted, he wanted to escape them, to sleep off the stress. He'd lost track of when the last time he'd actually had slept well.

He missed his academy days when he could enjoy a night of reckless behavior with his best friend and emerge refreshed and invigorated - minus any hangover. Even a night off with the three of them - Bones, Spock, Jim- as they used to up until...until when? Exactly when had his support team crumbled? When Spock married Nyota? When had he finally _noticed_ his support had disappeared? When Bones began nagging him constantly, causing Jim to retaliate by acting like a jerk? And why? Did he really think he could salvage his reputation by ignoring the increasing signs?

He could barely admit it to himself but he was scared that his past was catching up to him. In the mornings, faces of days gone by haunted him. He could eventually shrug them off, but it took a profuse amount of coffee and meditation. Sometimes the mental strain almost pushed him over the edge. Maybe it was even why he hesitated to cross the line with rules like he used to.

Before leaving on this mission he was sure he could handle everything the universe threw at him. But now, now he was unsure. When Bones mentioned a few days ago that he wanted to ask Dr. Marcus on a date, Jim almost flew off the handle. Just when Jim himself had thought that she might be one he could have a chance-

Jim sighed, rubbing his face and feeling like a complete and utter failure. He'd been incredibly crass to Bones. Jim realized how petty his behavior was, but he'd kept up the act so he wouldn't have to discuss his sleeping habits and nightmares and whatever else Bones wanted to bombard him with. When it came down to it, Jim would gladly step aside despite the fact that it hurt.

A faint look of disappointment crossed Spock's face as the length of silence grew. The Vulcan stood and turned to leave.

Jim flushed. "Wait. Just...Spock. Stay."

"Jim, I do not want to do you a disservice by extending my friendship tonight."

"Spock, you misunderstand. You do me a great honor by staying."

Jim offered a small smile. Seeing that Spock still hesitated to return to his seat, Jim decided to take an additional, al beit small, step.

"Actually, I do need that hand of friendship tonight, more than I have in a long time. I realize I've been...distracted."

"If you are certain, Captain."

He thought he was but as they returned to the game, his concentration folded. Jim grimaced and crossed his arms. He saw no move on the board that would extract him from his increasingly precarious and untenable position.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: ** This chapter comes with a "Jim does not deal well without Bones" warning. Things may snowball from here, and I promise you'll see McCoy soon in a chapter.

Thanks for following along. I appreciate your trust and patience - and reviews! DLB48, thank you for your incredible beta assistance.

* * *

Sheets heaped in a tangle on the floor beside him, Jim lay wide awake and stared at the celing, just as he had for more than two hours. Reverberations of Prince Lequa's stinging allegation swirled through his mind, mixed with visions of people and events that were at one time long gone. A wry grin crossed his lips. He was at least fortunate that Bones had not heard that part of the conversation. Who knew how the doctor would have reacted - or what he would have confronted Jim about this time. Crossing his arms behind his head, Jim breathed a lonely sigh into the comfort of his bed. The prince's disturbing allegation, McCoy's insistent nagging, and Spock's absence were adding up to more than he could bear.

Swallowing deeply, Jim made a difficult observation about himself. He missed Spock's company so much he almost begged him to stay longer. Distracted and worried, Jim had assumed he'd be no match for the Vulcan genius. Their game had been quite enjoyable and surprisingly their camaraderie as strong as ever. Even so, despite Spock staying later than Jim expected, he knew it still wasn't enough. Jim tucked away in his memory every minute he'd spent with his first officer.

But every memory of those precious minutes wouldn't compensate for the overwhelming sense of abandonment he had experienced of late. Jim blinked away the emotion behind his eyes as Bones came to his mind. Desperately, he wracked his brain for some distraction from his turmoil.

Lonely and cold in his boxers, bed stripped bare of all blankets and comforts, Jim turned on his side, still thinking. Most nights he lay awake sweating or awoke lathered in his perspiration but tonight he had overcompensated. Since sleep eluded him, he might as well be productive. He hoisted himself out of bed and grabbed a black t-shirt and casual black pants, opting to dress as if he wasn't returning to bed. He paced by the door in his bare feet, hands in his pockets and revisiting an idea. A worn image pictured on the surface of the missile baffled everyone, but was distrubingly incomplete without that mysterious missing piece.

Insomnia did have its benefits, he thought ruefully, as he considered that the image could be one of the indigenous creatures of this planet. The snake he held after the banquet had truly been impressive. If the Re'an, the contemporary inhabitants, honored these enigmatic creatures, it was certainly possible that previous inhabitants did so also. It also wouldn't be the first time images of that sort were discovered on ancient weapons.

Spending much of his time with Uhura this week gave him a fresh appreciation for aspects of exploration he'd not experienced for himself until now. Giving himself a mental kick, Jim began forumulating a plan of action. First he wanted to further investigate those indigenous creatures, studying the body of knowledge on how they moved and how wearing them fostered communication. Next, he would compare the results with the other teams' research. Maybe then he would be able to deduce what the image was even without that missing piece. Not knowing what that image aggravated Jim. He would toss the idea out to his chief archaeologist tomorrow, but for tonight, he wanted a head start.

He started to make his way towards his desk, but halted in his tracks.

This was so far from his usual course of study, it astonished even him. What was he doing? Did he really want to know more about creatures with mysterious gifts, especially the snake? He had no idea what this study would reveal, no insight into the questions his crew would ask him if they knew why the snake coiled around his arm. If Uhura placed that particular piece of information in her notes...Jim inhaled sharply. He hadn't even asked her to refrain from doing so. How could he have forgotten?

Maybe his uneasiness was overrated. It perhaps didn't mean anything and he was chasing after...after a worthless idea. But if he wasn't discreet about his research and if Bones found out, who knew what can of worms he would open for himself.

Jim ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with his recent penchant for indecision. He headed towards his desk anyways. It didn't matter if he was trying to sleep - he tossed and turned in his mind, as well.

He picked up his PADD, clearing his mind as best he could. Before clicking on Uhura's most recent file, Jim saw a notification of his own from Yeoman Rand, timestamped five minutes earlier.

Jim frowned. Rand shouldn't be working now, but it was completely possible that she had informed him she was working the gamma shift. Was he so exhausted he could not even remember such a small detail? Sighing again, he opened his messages, finding only part of the information from the archaeology department. Another piece had been unearthed, but not the one they'd wanted to match the missile Dr. Marcus was researching. Still, Jim was intrigued but at the same time perplexed because there was no holo attached to themessage. He bit his lip, tapping his fingers on the PADD. If Rand was awake, she could help him.

He reached for his comm.

"Kirk to Rand." Jim rubbed his eyes. He hardly bothered his yeoman at such late - or, rather, early - hours. It was rare, and although he could very well take of these things himself, he was lonely.

_Lonely? _He frowned at his pathetic admittance. Despite the late hour, it was her duty so he commed her guilt-free. As before, his desire was to be productive, not languishing in his past.

"Yes, sir," she said after a brief moment passed, breaking out in a fit of coughing.

"Yeoman Rand, are you sick?"

"I am fine, Captain Kirk."

"Your notification to me was missing a holo. If there is one available, I'd like to have a copy...tonight," he said quickly, thinking he needed something concrete in his hands to look over. "Also, holos of the snakes our ethologists have studied."

Rand waited a moment. She cleared her throat. "Yes, sir."

"Oh, and Rand." Jim grasped at straws, struggling to think of something else he could ask her to bring him. "I'd like a bottle of wine, nothing over the top. And...fudge brownies. With icing."

"Sir?"Her voice cracked. "Brownies? Wine? At this hour?"

It was an odd combination but he said the first two things that had come to his mind, something alcoholic so he could relax and actually review the findings. Clear head or not, it didn't matter. Neither did it matter that he was far from being hungry and thirsty. Jim clenched his jaw, almost growing ill with the very thought of food. The chocolate was an indulgence he rarely visited. Actually, as soon as the request for the brownies left his mouth he decided he'd give them to Rand. She liked brownies and he was bothering her and...Bones usually made those for Jim when he was depressed.

Maybe brownies wasn't the best idea.

"Rand," he articulated sternly. Sick or not, she'd no right to question him and he couldn't withdraw his request.

"I apologize, sir."

"Apology accepted. Kirk out."

While he waited, Jim's anxiety heightened. He paced, his agitation rising by the minute. When Rand finally rang his door he greeted her himself. Only...

She was not Rand.

She was not his yeoman. She wasn't even a yeoman.

The she standing before him was an Orion crewmember, one he'd chosen for her vast expertise in, coincidentally, xenozoology. In an understated but slightly off-shoulder black top and pants hugging her every curve, she glowed with the voluptuousness and sex appeal for which her species was known. Her face was within mere inches of his, and his eyes couldn't help but travel over every exquisite feature. _Gaila_. Jim took a sharp breath. Beautiful, vibrant Gaila who understood Jim almost as Bones had and who Jim had found irresistible during his years at the academy. She'd returned the affection, even going so far as to helping him overcome the nightmares when they increased in intensity.

"Captain, I am not Gaila."

He furrowed his brow.

"I see it in your eyes," she uttered softly. "I know you don't realize it, but I usually see it there. It's okay. I understand."

In fact, as Jim contemplated the similarities between Gaila and this crewman, he'd almost forgotten who she was. She was Gaila's cousin, Aleyah, older by four years. Quieter, but just as sensual. Actually...Jim cleared his throat. _More so._

"Dr. Jahnas, yes." He arched an eyebrow, trying to regain some authority. "How can I help you?"

"Please pardon the surprise, Captain." She cocked her head, the auburn ringlets cascading over her face and provocative display of her shoulders. Jim swallowed as the curls sprang about her collar bone, dancing like fingers caressing her skin. He forced his eyes upward and to what was at hand - moving Aleyah along before he put himself into a compromising situation.

Her lips curved upward, her eyes shifting over his own features in frank curiosity. Jim was all too aware of her sensuality and the fact that he'd avoided any prolonged, close proximity with her for good reason. It hadn't been a mistake to bring her on board, however. She was the best in her field and he - he hadn't touched a woman in over a year and had no plans to do so now in the near or even distant future. _No thanks to Bones_.

_Aleyah_. He repeated her name silently, but cursed himself for doing so. Somehow, he must remain detached.

"Yeoman Rand unfortunately felt quite ill after speaking to you and reported to sickbay for treatement," she continued in a smooth voice. Jim stared, transfixed by the inviting warmth in her eyes. "Finding me awake and informally working in the research lab, she requested that I bring this information to you. I have included my own research since it is pertinent. If I may say so, sir, you don't seem to be the type of man who stays up past two in the morning, comparing snake species."

He frowned. "The type of man..."

"But if you have changed your mind," she continued flawlessly, as she half turned away from him, "I can return later."

Indeed, she held the holos as well as the wine and a white box of what must be the iced, fudge brownies.

Sending Aleyah? This was not a good idea. What had Rand been thinking?

"Wait. Aleyah, by all means. Please...come in," he found himself saying.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Thank you for reading! I know I updated the last two chapters pretty quickly. Next update will be around the end of the week. DLB48, I greatly appreciate your wonderful beta assistance!

* * *

Nyota perched on the bed, purposefully brushing her hair as she prepared for her morning shift. She had come to savor the quiet ritual of preparing for work together with Spock. However, on this particular morning, concern for Jim overshadowed the contentment she usually felt. The palpable tension between the captain and Dr. McCoy the previous evening unsettled her. She had been observing the growing chasm between the two friends for several days and now felt compelled to speak up and suggest her idea to Spock.

"I think you need to make more of an effort, Spock."

"Nyota, I believe you indicated my presence was pleasing to you."

"I can't lie. I do love our time together even more now." Nyota set down her hairbrush. She smiled at Spock sitting next to her. Thinking fondly about their indulgence in one another, she tucked her legs underneath her on the bed and then rested her chin on his shoulder. He turned his head towards her, allowing her to press her lips on his cheek with more care than usual for a hurried morning. "And I know you do."

"I cannot lie, either." He added nothing to the statement. She preened, seeing straight through her Vulcan mate's unflappable expression to his love for her.

"However," she added an edge to her voice, "I believe your relationship with your commanding officer should not suffer for my sake. He may need you even more after that horrendous goading."

"Nyota," Spock reprimanded.

Anger laced her voice as she retorted. "I simply cannot trust anyone who posits such shocking accusations as that being did. Prince Lequa completely ignored the fact that Kirk died for his crew, that he thwarted numerous debacles. I believe he deliberately provoked the captain, but why?"

"I do not know the answer to the question, Nyota. I surmise that there is more going on here than we know. Nonetheless, the captain handled himself well," Spock commented. Nyota heard a touch of pride in his voice.

"Did he impress you?"

He'd impressed Nyota. In fact, she could not name one time that her confidence in Kirk had ever waned. He was especially grounded in the way he captained, which took her by surprise. What was unsettling, however, was the fact that she and Spock both witness he lacked the extraordinary passion that they so admired in him, the same enthusiasm they at one time had scorned.

"Indeed. Nyota, I saw in Jim a sense of caution as I visited him in his quarters. He was hesitant in accepting an act of friendship. It...gives me cause to worry."

"Do you think Kirk has suffered another so called tragedy?"

"My calculations are that yes, he has."

Her stomach swirled with dread at Spock's revelation. Spock was rarely wrong when it came to James Tiberious Kirk. He had just admitted that logic tells him that Jim has experienced more hardship than all he had confessed to them. How much could one man take? Shortly after meeting the captain she determined that his childhood had been difficult and cruel, quite possibly worse than one her wildest imagination could conjur. She could see no other reason why someone with his intelligence and conviction would turn to alcohol, women, and bar brawls as often as he did.

"I see that you are troubled, Nyota. Do not be. We will help our friend and captain." Spock delicately leaned his forehead against hers. She breathed deeply, finding serenity in his tender expression of love and comfort within a brief moment.

She kissed him before pulling away and slipping on her boots. Spock's shift began shortly and they both needed to prepare for the return to Re'an V. Feeling content after Spock's embrace she lazily turned her attention to the day ahead. Next she and Spock would head to the mess hall for a quick breakfast. The command team often met up there before beginning their shift together. The companionship of this time had decreased over the past few weeks largely because of the tension between Kirk and McCoy. Kirk would be on alpha shift today, meaning that he should also be eating around now. She fervently hoped that McCoy would not stand the captain up for their breakfast together yet again. It was a rather disconcerting, missing piece to the puzzle.

"What will you do?"

"I cannot press him. I will do as you suggest, Nyota."

It would be good for them both to stretch their wings again. It wasn't that they had become strangers to their friends, only a little less social.

"Nyota..."

"Yes, Spock." She already stood by the door waiting for him. Spock took his time to rise off the bed. Although he'd helped her a moment ago, now he appeared troubled, pensive and unwilling to leave their quarters.

"In what shall I suggest we engage?

"The same things you did before." Nyota cocked her head, curious that Spock's hesitancy seemed to be based upon this question. "Nothing has changed for the two of you, not really, has it?"

"I am unclear."

"I see." That was not what she wanted to hear. "What was different?"

"He did not exude the confidence I am accustomed to seeing from him."

Kirk? Not confident? The idea was absurd. You couldn't have one without the other. Nyota didn't have a reply. It took her aback. It was all she ever saw from Kirk, even if he was faced with defacing statements left and right. Yesterday, even after the tension between captain and doctor. His shoulders had slumped ever so slightly for a few minutes but then there was nothing about Kirk's demeanor on the bridge that revealed anything but confidence. The virtue came hand in hand with his control, didn't it? Nyota clearly observed this the day before.

"The captain's reaction to the prince's statement indicates that he has indeed endured more in his past than he has revealed to us. It appears that the past is currently quite troubling to him. I am further unaware of whether the captain has confided in Dr. McCoy. Whether he has or not, he expected the doctor's support. That is why I have every reason to believe I have done some part to create this problem. If I had been doing my job as First Officer-"

"You have been doing your job, Spock," she interrupted without a second thought. Spock's earnestness to be the best First Officer for Captain James T. Kirk had not suffered because of their union. He was there for Jim unfailingly during their shifts and whenever else a need for the ship arose. There had to be something else. "You can't blame yourself. And now that you have a better idea of how to help the captain, I know you will do all you can to fix the problem."

Spock looked softly at her, his expression notably humble. "Nyota, perhaps I have not been doing my job as friend."

* * *

McCoy trudged into sickbay for his alpha shift, ignoring the pointed look Christine gave him concerning his attire and his hair. It was a distinct just got out of bed fashion statement that was entirely true and he felt no shame.

"That's...interesting. Since when do you come to sickbay looking like that?"

"Figured I'd shower here," he mumbled, self-consciously running a hand through his rumpled hair and brushing imaginary lint off of his wrinkled uniform. Talk about sleepless nights. McCoy knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jim only slept maybe three, maybe four hours at best but last night, McCoy himself had slept for only two full hours. He didn't know how Jim managed to keep up with his full schedule.

Guilt ate at McCoy. He and Jim had never formally agreed to meet for breakfast and coffee, but he knew that the younger man had come to depend on it. Normally, McCoy could think of nowhere else he'd rather be. Skipping it this morning was unreasonable and downright rude of him. He wasn't even sure why he skipped. He hated treating Jim like a stranger, hated contributing to the hurt and animosity and to the distance between them. He genuinely wanted to talk with Jim, even more so after the disastrous conversation at the banquet, but Jim defensively shut down every attempt at conversation.

The tension was so high between them that he could scarcely function as the man's doctor. Something had to give - and soon. Their efforts at avoidance were becoming visible to the crew and interfering with ship's functions. They couldn't go about avoiding each other like this, but he'd taken the hint first from Jim himself that he needed space. Perhaps McCoy was overcompensating, but now...he wasn't sure what the hell he was supposed to do.

McCoy was worried. Every bone in his body screamed that Jim was heading towards a breakdown the likes the universe had never seen. If he couldn't figure out how to patch together their fragmented friendship, he might have to stand on the sidelines watch Jim self-destruct, his healer's hands tied behind his back and eyes blindfolded, helpless to save his best friend.

The warning signs were subtle, some of them minuscule, but they were there. Little things been piling up like a well-stocked armory for weeks. Jim never slept well and had often woken in a panic during their Academy days. It was obvious to McCoy that Jim wasn't sleeping like he should. McCoy suspected the nightmares had returned, but had no medical basis for questioning him until it affected his command. Jim's eating habits surely had degraded as well, but the weight loss was only minimal. Then there was the slightly bruised appearance under his eyes, accompanied by a faint, wild look in those same eyes early in the morning, and the other times he caught Jim blanking out. These were clear signs his best friend was distressed, haunted by a past that was trying harder than ever to sink its fingers into Jim's sanity.

McCoy saw the signs clearly, but he was unsure whether Jim was even aware of them himself. If he was aware, he probably thought he was coping, but it was far from the truth. McCoy feared Jim's trust in him had also plummeted. McCoy had once prided himself on being the stabilizing factor in Jim's life, but now the captain barely spoke to him, never confided in him that the past was creeping up to bite him in the ass. Jim no longer joked with him. He...he just...he wasn't Jim.

"Dr. McCoy?"

McCoy set down his PADD on his desk in his private office and turned around to face his most inquisitive, too-curious-for-her-own-good nurse. "Christine. Yes."

"It's Friday."

"Yes," McCoy rubbed his eyes but was unable to rid them of the grittiness of sleep.

"You're usually with the captain for break-"

"He's busy," McCoy grunted and picked up his PADD again. His mood soured even more upon seeing a message from his ex-wife Jocelyn. He knew exactly what she was bothering him with again and coupled with the situation with Jim, it was almost too much to take. He was tempted to pull out his whiskey and risk the consequences if the green-blooded hobgoblin caught him. "I'll see him later when he comes to receive his final inoculation for the Re'an virus this morning."

McCoy sighed. The virus was a tricky one, the danger lasting well beyond their final day on Re'an V. Of course, Jim just had to be more susceptible than the rest of the crew. Even the augment blood transfusion could not overcome the damage Tarsus did to his immune system.

"And you didn't seem to care that Uhura had to cancel last night." Christine frowned, continuing as if she'd not heard him at all. "Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you. Why did you say you wanted to ask Carol out the other day? You had to know Jim was thinking about it. I even knew that. He's been so different around women these past few months, it was hard to miss that longing in his eyes. Nyota and I call those eyes his puppy dog eyes."

"Why does it even matter?" McCoy argued. Yeah, egging Jim on like that hadn't been the best of ideas. He'd rubbed salt on a wound that would never, ever heal and at the worst possible time, too. In his defense, it had seemed like a good idea in the moment. Sensing that Jim was struggling with his demons, he purposely provoked him, hoping to give him a new purpose and direction. Get him thinking. Propel him to act. He had been Jim Kirk's friend for long enough to know that the man responded to challenge and hardship.

Jim was supposed to challenge him for the chance to date Carol. It had only been an attempt to get the man to see that he was ready to venture into a more permanent relationship. It was more obvious to him than anyone else that Jim shied away from serious relationships because he had only experienced broken ones. Unfortunately, McCoy's plan of proclaiming a false interest in Dr. Marcus had backfired and Jim's anger unleashed on McCoy instead. Furious at himself, McCoy turned his own negative emotions outward.

"Puppy dog eyes, Nurse Chapel? Of all the ridiculous things to say about our captain. You might as well call him a golden retriever and give him a leash and a collar."

"Stop avoiding the question, Dr. McCoy." Her eyes widened. "You did it on purpose, didn't you?"

"Now why would I do that?"

"Leonard, I can't believe you." She accused. "You _did_ do it on purpose."

"Why the hell would I?" McCoy scowled, angry about the hole he dug for himself.

"I don't know." Christine huffed. "Maybe to provoke him? It worked. He's provoked, at least it seems like it. The two of you never..."

"Never what?" McCoy growled.

He had no desire to hear her say what he had already admitted to himself. Truth was that Jim had been provoked before that, and it may be why it worked to provoke him so well about a woman. He and Jim had never allowed conflicts to get in the way of their friendship before. That Jim was reacting so violently and pulling away told McCoy that things were worse than he previously thought. Striking Jim when he was down was a recipe for disaster and he, Jim's best friend, had done just that.

Now that the damage was done, McCoy easily saw past Jim's act. Jim's behavior was a desperate front to avoid McCoy's questions and concern. He should have halted Jim right then and there - but he didn't. No doubt, he was the _only_ one to stop this.

McCoy swallowed guiltily at the cruel part he was playing. He fervently hoped that Jim wouldn't make any rash decisions on his own since he now was shutting out McCoy almost completely. Things that had happened to Jim in the years gone past must be surfacing again at warp speed or he wouldn't be trying so hard to escape them. He was doing and using anything to avoid the inevitable. McCoy grieved as he realized that Jim was falling back into old patterns and coping mechanisms.

With a heart dragging along the floor, McCoy left his desk - and nosey Nurse Chapel - to hit the showers.

As bothered as McCoy was that Christine had noticed the burgeoning problem, he could answer Christine's question on his own.

The two of them never talked. The two of them never acted like they wanted to see each other. The two of them were at odds, broken in friendship. And, McCoy, for once in his career, didn't know how to fix things. If anything, he continuously erred as he reacted to almost anything Jim said or did without being able to stop himself.

He, the physician, the one who was supposed to heal, could only rub raw the festering wounds of his best friend.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: I think with chapter 5, we're a little more than halfway through the beginning. I hope that doesn't scare any of you away. :-) This story probably has the thickest plot I've ever written - and a great deal of unfolding irony as we go on. It's actually a daunting task so I really appreciate those of you that have read, followed, and/or reviewed. For those who love angst, there is more sad!Jim and distraught!McCoy to come right now...and who knows what else. Although we've brushed upon it, we really haven't hit the any of the major parts that influence the title yet, which are the most fun for me as a writer but awfully trying for our favorite trio. So...buckle up! DLB48, I am ever so grateful for your beta help, especially when I have health flare ups that make writing difficult! I truly appreciate your kindness and willingness to pull me through those rough patches of writing.

* * *

_Jim raced down the deserted street, desperately searching for a place to hide, anywhere to escape what followed him. Heart thumping, he spotted an open door and crashed through. None too soon, for his quaking legs could no longer hold him and he collapsed. He breathed deeply and peered through the darkness. Jim made out a figure standing on the far side of the room and in recognizing the shape of the shoulders, he sighed in relief. "Bones!" As the doctor turned around, Jim realized with horror that rather than happiness at seeing him, the doctor's eyes were filled with malice. Even worse was the fact that he wasn't alone. Stringing along in a line behind the doctor were a parade of figures from Jim's past, some he recognized and others who were only vaguely familiar. Every one of them had eyes boring into his skull. Locking eyes with his worst nightmare, he opened his mouth to scream the governor's name. Instead, Jim found himself both voiceless and helpless._

Jim awoke with a start, eyes flying open and tumbling back to reality. His lungs sucked at the air with deep, aching breaths as he blinked rapidly at the encompassing darkness, but he found nothing that could calm his racing heart. The sweat-soaked, twisted blanket felt more like a shroud than a comforting presence and his body refused to relax, burdened as it was by the lingering horrors of his broken slumber.

"Computer...what...is...the time," Jim rasped between breaths.

_"The time is six twenty-two."_

Jim groaned, eyes darting around the room as he lay anxious and waiting for a sense of normalcy to return to his mind and body. The morning had arrived far too soon. Ever so slowly the faces of his nightmare began to fade and his eyes adjusted to the dim room. He frowned, realizing he'd fallen asleep on the couch. When his chest stopped heaving, he sat up with the blanket gathered at his waist and held his slightly aching head with one hand.

The vivid nightmare, added to Bones' cold shoulder the day before, had left him even more off balance and feeling as if his mind was burdened with iron shackles, the troubles from both the present and past. Still dressed from the night before, he stood and furrowed his brow once he stopped at his table. The note left there didn't register until he read it through the second time.

_Captain Kirk- I left shortly after you fell asleep and will finish the research you requested. I can talk with you at your convenience today. You looked cold so I placed the blanket on you before I returned to my quarters. -Dr. Jahnas. _

He blamed his vague remembrance that Dr. Jahnas had even been in his quarters on the wine he'd consumed. She'd stayed until four-thirty in the morning according to the timestamp. He last recalled the time at roughly three or shortly after, but that was before he drank the wine. He did find relief remembering their time together had been completely professional, neither one of them crossing a line. He frowned deeper. Actually, he now recalled Aleyah teasing him that he was holding out for a certain female science officer and feeling quite embarrassed that she somehow knew of his feelings for Dr. Mar-

Jim shook himself from his reverie and slumped in a chair at the table, head dropping into his hands as his body felt the effects of only two hours of sleep for far too many consecutive days.

He couldn't ask Bones for another sedative. He couldn't ask Bones for anything and if he found out that Dr. Jahnas had been here, Jim would be facing a severe lecture from the doctor- even if Bones would let him explain himself. He knew how dependent Jim had been upon Gaila, and if he wanted to be honest...he'd been tempted by Aleyah but he'd held himself back with all that he had.

Bones wanted Jim to talk, and Jim wouldn't mind talking to Bones but they didn't want to talk about the same things. They were things best left alone, and wouldn't Jim know that more than anyone? The only choice Jim had was to suffer silently and persevere with grit and determination. Make those things invisible that Bones deduced were happening to Jim. With luck, the old haunts would eventually fade to a more manageable level.

One thing for certain was that he didn't appreciate being pushed into a corner. He would go down fighting.

Jim showered and threw on his blacks and command shirt. He skipped shaving, seeing that his body wouldn't cooperate and move quickly enough without his coffee and he was already behind schedule. He'd be dragging himself through the entire day and unfortunately, that wouldn't be ideal. His day was fuller than usual with his crew busier than ever because of this final day of their Re'an mission.

He wanted to bypass the mess hall, but his heart protested too much to do that to Bones. Maybe they'd sit in silence, and for Jim that would be enough. It had to be enough for both of them right now. Nothing was the same and Jim didn't know why, but he'd try. He'd try, and so he walked to the mess hall in good faith.

When Jim found the spot across his own regular seat empty, the little hope that he had left vanished like a falling star.

_Three weeks in a row._

He almost couldn't believe his friend's repeated absence. He blinked his eyes furiously, catching the emotion before it started. He blamed his restless night for the rare sensation. Another night, another nightmare, and entirely predictable. Worse yet, the visit to sickbay for a mandatory hypo was weighing heavily on his mind. Since Bones hadn't shown up here, how was Jim to act when he went to sickbay? It wasn't like he could skip this one. This inoculation was one of several necessary for him to keep from catching the Re'an V virus. He had to see Bones for another hypo, and one more crucial than the others.

To remain as level-headed as possible, Jim sorted through the facts, rethinking why his friend neglected to show. He would give Bones the benefit of a doubt. For one, he still cared for Jim's medical concerns. For another, when it got right down to it, there was nothing - besides confronting that his past was catching up to him- that Jim wouldn't do for Bones.

Nothing.

Jim strode towards the bridge and shrugged off the hurt as best he could. More than likely it was Jim's fault, anyway. Not Bones'.

He sighed. If she was well enough, he'd have Rand bring him his coffee on the bridge.

* * *

When McCoy came on the bridge two hours later, the over-caffeinated captain was hard to miss. Eyes wired, slightly jittery, fingers tapping, flitting from station to station, and a hovering first officer were instant signs that the captain had indulged a little too much.

_Dammit, Jim. _McCoy scowled. In good conscience, McCoy couldn't give Jim the inoculation in this condition but he'd no other option. Even though he'd already commed Jim twice for a reminder, the man hadn't made his way to sickbay. McCoy had no choice but to come up to get him.

"Dr. McCoy," Jim said with a casual air, now leaning over Chekov's console and giving the doctor hardly a glance. "I was just coming to see you."

"Let's go, Jim," McCoy said quietly, controlling his temper and hoping they would not make a scene on the bridge. Jim certainly was not planning a visit to sickbay.

"Bones, just a minute." Jim frowned. He pointed to the screen. "There. See that fluctuation in the sensor readings? Will that be a problem when we leave tomorrow, Mr. Chekov?"

Chekov shook his head. "I do not know sir but I vill look into it."

"Jim," McCoy repeated.

"Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Spock," Jim began walking toward the lift. "You have the conn."

"Very well, Captain."

"Mr. Chekov," Jim added. "I would also like the new course charted by tomorrow."

"Aye, Keptin."

McCoy silently led the way back to the lift. Neither he nor Jim made any sort of sign they were aware of each other, although McCoy was all too aware of the man standing next to him. Jim crossed his arms, looking straight ahead but constantly shifting his stance and tapping his arms with his fingers. The captain was a bundle of nervous energy that McCoy did not want to take with him to sickbay.

_Damn coffee. _

"You'll need to have some food, first." The doors slid open.

"Naw." Jim shook his head, getting a head start before McCoy out of the lift. "Just get it done and over with. I went to the mess hall for my breakfast. Did you?"

McCoy blinked. Jim usually didn't do passive aggressive. It hurt. "I..."

Jim clapped McCoy on the back as the doctor caught up to him outside of sickbay. "No big deal, right?"

McCoy stiffened, backing away. He didn't deserve Jim's touch, especially today. Jim's expression fell but McCoy didn't know how to explain without causing an avalanche of other problems.

"Bones?" Jim asked, confusedly. McCoy headed towards a more private area where he'd prepared Jim's hypo, heart thudding in his ears at Jim's pitiful and anguished voice. He heard Jim's heavy sigh and saw from the corner of his eye Jim hopping up onto the usual biobed he used. It was closest to nearly every workstation McCoy utilized.

He'd exactly what Jim needed to ensure he could give the inoculation within half an hour without Jim feeling too many side effects. As he took out the supplemental food and drink, his guilt rose. Jim would've been better prepared for this had McCoy done the right thing.

"Here," he said quietly, handing the food and drink to Jim.

"I don't need it. I had coffee," Jim said with a wave of his hand, as if coffee was the bandaid that fixed everything.

Jim's current condition was McCoy's fault. He had to fix it but didn't know if he had the patience. He didn't think he had the patience to deal with himself. He hardly had the patience dealing with his ex-wife and her recent, relentless desire for sole custody of Joanna, but he was fighting for his beloved daughter, nonetheless. Why couldn't he do the same for Jim? Of all the idiotic things for him to do. McCoy knew better.

McCoy expelled a heavy breath, too late in realizing that Jim's expression grew colder after the fact. Where the hell was his patience? Was he the surgeon who unfailingly spent hours in meticulous surgeries saving Jim's life or not? Was he the man who continuously pulled Jim out of a mental gutter or a man who folded under pressure? Was he the man whose vigilance revived a dead man or was he a physician too afraid to try again to save his best friend?

Seeing Jim in such a position devastated McCoy, overwhelming him with what the future could hold for the young captain. How could he get Jim to finally acknowledge the looming breakdown? Every part of him wanted to scream sense into his best friend. Not only that, but had Jim been cooperative, their friendship would not have suffered.

"I know that you didn't eat and you know better than to throw that coffee crap at me. So. Here. Eat. Drink."

"And be merry?" Jim mocked.

McCoy clenched his teeth. His thin veil of calmness threatened to tear apart as Jim shot sarcasm at him. "Stay on this bed. Right here, Jim, until I come back. Then, you will get that hypo."

"For how long? I'm busy. I have to meet with the away team and - "

"Half an hour," he said, irritated.

"Fine," Jim said shortly.

McCoy nodded and closed the curtain around Jim. It wasn't usually what he did with such a short visit so when Jim stopped him, clutching the curtain's edge with a stormy expression, he realized Jim took it the wrong way. Maybe even believing he didn't want to see him. Which, after what McCoy did to him this morning, McCoy couldn't fault him for thinking that way.

"Shall I find another bed, doctor?" Jim's face closed as he scooted off of the bed.

"Cut it out, Jim."

Jim ignored him and strolled nonchalantly, hand carressing each bed and taking his time until he chose a spot five beds down. "I'm sure I will be out of your way down here."

Christine, ever on alert when Jim came down these days, frowned at McCoy. He looked away, not wanting to see the patronizing expression on her face. Although it was Jim who was acting immaturely, McCoy's actions and words had provoked the behavior. McCoy had to admit he appreciated how protective the nurse had become when Jim needed it most.

McCoy almost choked as a fresh wave of desperation swelled up in his chest.

Jim needed protection from _him_.

"You're not in my way." McCoy swallowed, barely managing to keep his voice void of any negativity. "Just...sit still, alright?"

Guilt-ridden, McCoy didn't return to check on Jim until exactly twenty-five minutes later, and when he did, he found Jim asleep, with only half of his drink and food consumed. Leave it to Jim to fall asleep - or close to it - on so much coffee. McCoy had a hunch as to why he was so tired.

Food or not, it'd have to do. Jim needed that hypo before too much time passed. The alternative - allowing the captain's protection against the virus to greatly diminish - wasn't acceptable. He'd give Jim a med to alleviate the symptoms and it wasn't anything Jim hadn't dealt with before, McCoy rationalized to himself. Irritated that this was not going as planned, and irritated that the wretched planet required him to give the inoculation in the first place, McCoy took the supplements from Jim's loosely clenched fists and laid them aside. While Jim was not even lucid, McCoy stuck the hypo in his neck.

Jim immediately shot up, hand to his neck. Jim groaned, rubbing the spot where McCoy had unceremoniously stuck him with the hypo. "What's up with the damn hypos lately, Bones?"

"You shouldn't have jerked up like that."

"You should have warned me." Anger filled Jim's words. "That was even worse than usual."

"Jim, you'll need to increase your fluids intake by a good thirty-six ounces for the next twenty-four hours." McCoy paused, as Christine appeared once again out of nowhere. "Since you didn't eat sufficiently before the shot, Nurse Chapel will give you a med that will help with the nausea. It shouldn't be too bad. As we discussed before, you may experience some dizziness but it won't last long. Take the day nice and easy. Okay? I'll come check on ya later, Jim, before you head to Re'an V."

He'd be a terrible doctor if he didn't check on Jim several times today - especially about his liquid intake. But, right now he was just settling to be called a bad doctor. Admittedly. He and Jim had to talk.

"I wanted to eat what I should've before the shot. _This mornin_g," Jim gritted. "But I lost my appetite and then forgot when I was on the bridge."

McCoy pretended to study his PADD while Christine handed Jim two pills and a glass of water. Jim had every reason to be angry with him. If only he'd met Jim for breakfast as they'd planned...

"I'm sorry, Jim," McCoy said, barely looking up at the captain, the very reason for the heart-wrenching guilt he was feeling. "Listen. Later during your shift we can discuss why you're not sleeping."

"I'm sleeping just fine," Jim muttered after he chugged the pills down. He furiously attacked the sore area on his neck with his fingers.

"The nightmares, then." McCoy looked up then, going straight for it. Who knew when he'd have a chance to question Jim again. He held his breath, hoping for a miracle - for Jim to answer honestly. Christine's brow furrowed as she glanced back and forth between doctor and patient.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Jim said in a flat tone. He'd the look of innocence but McCoy refused to be fooled. How many times had he approached Jim about this the past few weeks only to be shut down?

"Jim-"

"Next time I come in, I'll be sure to use _this_ bed." Jim's bitterness dripped from each word. Christine stood beside Jim, taking over McCoy's job and giving Jim a hand as he slid off the bed. She steadied him but backed away after he shook his head at her. An apology was on the tip of McCoy's tongue but Jim was stalking out of sickbay before he could find the appropriate words. "I would hate to inconvenience you again."

"You better get this under control, Leonard," Christine said in a low voice after Jim disappeared from sight. "If you don't..."

McCoy finally let out his breath. "I will, Christine."

He had to. If he didn't, he'd never forgive himself.

Where had they gone wrong?


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note:_ I hope you enjoy this next installment. DLB48, you've saved this story than once with your beta reading. :-) Thank you so much for your help!

* * *

Bewildered by the way Bones had treated him in sickbay, Jim bypassed the bridge, striding directly towards the ready room. He had less than an hour before he would meet with Spock, Uhura, Carol, and Dr. Bellis, the head of the archeology department. Hopefully that would give him sufficient time to consume part of his water and ward off some of the physical discomfort he anticipated.

Jim fumed, pondering how his best friend, the most competent medical doctor he knew, deliberately reacted in frustration rather than considering Jim's well being. Jim regretted that he hadn't stood up for himself and called the doctor on it when he had the opportunity. If he had, however, his secrets would be hanging in precarious balance. A distinct feeling of confusion mixed with Jim's anger - why hadn't Bones at least waited until Jim had awakened?

He never intended to fall asleep, but he had every intention of eating what he needed. He did not enjoy suffering and he expected the dizziness and nausea Bones promised him would be more than what he could cope with now. Those two symptoms reminded him of the weeks and months sinking into a desperate hunger, eating whatever he could, his body weakening and failing. It was a reminder too close for comfort as those weeks and months were presently in hot pursuit of him.

Jim's fuming continued as he approached the opening doors of the ready room. Fortunately he was the first to arrive, for the first wave of dizziness passed over him at that moment, causing him to cling to the door frame in a desperate attempt to remain upright. Jim groaned and leaned his aching head against the wall. His parched throat reminded him that he had forgotten the water, the very thing he needed to suppress the vaccination's side effects before he beamed back down to Re'an V.

"Captain?" Spock's voice came from behind Jim.

"Yes, Mr. Spock." Jim forced his legs to move.

"You are thirty-eight point three minutes behind schedule."

Jim huffed an impatient sigh. "I know."

"If I may offer a suggestion?"

"By all means." He clung to the edge of the table and sagged into a chair, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.

"You are unwell." Displeasure oozed from Spock's voice.

"The good doctor had to delay the last inoculation I needed for the return to Re'an V, causing me to run late. As usual, I am experiencing a few side effects which explains why I appear unwell to you." Jim explained more than he wanted to but right now his tongue felt loose and his fuzzy mind could not seem to control his speech. Neither could he leave out the sarcasm.

"I am aware of your predisposition to side effects, Captain. However, if they impede your ability as captain-"

"Spock, I'm fine. It'll pass."

"Captain-"

"I'm experiencing some dizziness," Jim replied, exasperated. "That's all. Hold on a minute, Spock. Kirk to Rand."

_"Yes, sir."_

"You sound better now, Rand." She hadn't this morning when he requested his coffee. She'd looked even worse. "Glad to hear it."

_"I am, sir. Thank you."_

"I need...water. A lot of drinking water. I'll be taking it with me to the planet so please tell the quartermaster to package it appropriately."

_"How much, captain?"_

"Forty... No. Fifty ounces. Please bring me a glass of water, as well. Kirk out." He would go above and beyond Bones' instructions today. Jim ignored the slightly bewildered look on the first officer's face. "Now, Spock, what were you saying?"

"Captain, if you are unable to accompany the team-"

"I'm fine. It doesn't last long. Never has. I only need a few minutes," Jim gritted as nausea began swirling in his stomach. It wasn't just a little as Bones had described. In fact, the pain gripping his stomach like a vise hadn't even been mentioned. What excuse could he give to send Spock from the room so he could pull himself together? "Just a minute, Spock. Kirk to Rand."

_"Yes, Captain."_

"Please bring my PADD along with that water. I left it on the bridge."

_"Yes, sir."_

Jim nearly cringed at the barely visible frown on Spock's face. He'd been too disoriented after the vaccination to realize he'd left the device behind and now that the room was swimming before his eyes, he was forced to ask for something that normally he'd retrieve on his own. Usually, he was quick on his feet. Now, thanks to Bones, he did not believe he'd even make it safely to the corridor.

"Spock, if you wish, you may question Dr. McCoy about the dizziness. Perhaps that would make you feel at ease with my departure today."

Spock arched an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. "Very well."

"Spock, please continue."

"I can cover your duties here if you would like to spend your remaining time at the site on Re'an V. I am aware that your presence there is beneficial to our peaceful relations with the Re'an. They do favor you."

"I thought it was only logical for you to accompany Uhura today." Jim intended to keep Spock close to Uhura so Prince Lequa could have no doubt as to the couple's relationship.

"That is unnecessary. You will be there, Captain, to ease her mind. Were I to remain on the Enterprise, I would be able to oversee the routine checkups in Engineering as well as perform your normal duties."

Jim rested his forehead on his hand. Spock's offer would help him "take it easy." He didn't want to aggravate his symptoms and end up feeling worse than he already was. But there had to be more behind Spock's reasoning.

"Why did you really change your mind?"

"I have realized you enjoy your time amongst the Re'an, Jim, and the time scheduled for today would not be sufficient for you. I want you to be...happy."

Hearing that almost made his day bearable. Jim fought a smile. "I appreciate that, Spock. I accept your offer."

"I assume that you will request Dr. McCoy's presence on the away team?"

Jim now had to force himself to smile at the obvious, inferred question: _Are you and the doctor getting along?_

He should want Bones there, especially if his symptoms got out of control, but the fact remained Bones had hurt Jim severely - again. Jim didn't know how to respond to Bones' actions, so he decided it would be best to ignore the entire incident. Jim rationalized that Bones would never do something like this again.

But maybe...maybe it was primarily Jim's fault. He knew he had to eat but then forgot in the rush of all he had to do on the bridge. Once in sickbay, he fell asleep without finishing the supplements. Again, that was his own fault. He had allowed himself to fall asleep. He was tired because he refused to ask Bones for a sedative - the very thing he needed to receive respite from his nightmares and restless sleep.

While this gave Bones more reason to interrogate him, Jim couldn't pin the blame completely on Bones and now he felt better about the entire situation. If it was his own fault, it meant that Bones still cared for him as a friend.

Jim breathed a sigh of relief. Things might not be perfect between them but he could live with the fact that their friendship was somewhat still intact.

However, there was the other unfortunate problem. Although it may somewhat still be intact, the floundering friendship with Bones caused Jim great discomfort. Jim had not planned to include McCoy on the away team but rather M'Benga. The decision was made before McCoy administered the mandatory last dose of the vaccination this morning and the unpleasant side effects set in.

Now that he had to request Bones on the away team, thanks to Spock's carefully placed question, Jim needed a distraction. Something - or someone - that would irk the doctor in general and buffer the tension between them by drawing attention off of Jim.

Despite the increasing discomfort in his stomach that Jim could no longer ignore, an easy smile finally formed on his lips. He knew of a perfect distraction. In fact, he knew of one that would kill two birds with one stone.

"Of course. I will ask Dr. Jahnas to join us, as well. Her expertise in xenozoology has been priceless."

* * *

_"Kirk to McCoy."_

_Speak of the devil. _Christine's eyes darted McCoy's way. She gave him that almost ever present look to tell him he should be embarrassed for his behavior. It was happening a lot lately. She stood next to McCoy, reviewing charts and leaving hints that he had to check on Jim, the sooner the better.

He knew. He only feared what he would find and his feet wouldn't move to fix the problem.

"Yes, Jim."

_"Bones, I need...I need you to come with me to Re'an." _ McCoy's instincts kicked in as Jim's voice cracked with hesitancy. The captain's words lacked his usual professionalism, a sure sign that something was amiss.

"How are you feeling, Jim?"

The ominous pause told him exactly how Jim was feeling.

"Jim?"

_"Bones, just tell me if you can come with me."_

He didn't want to step one foot on that cursed planet that had already essentially undermined his relationship with Jim, but he couldn't dwell on that now. "Is it the nausea? Dizziness?"

Jim rough sigh scraped over the comm.

_"Both. I feel like I'm starving to death, if you really wanna know, Bones,"_ Jim half-chuckled, but it was a humorless, bitter sound that echoed in McCoy's ears. _"This is great. Ah, just great. Bones, I feel like I just ate leather...and now..."_

McCoy felt his face leach of color. Sick to his own stomach, McCoy pressed a fist to his mouth.

He should be court-martialed for triggering such an physical reaction in Jim. Jim, who knew exactly how it was to eat leather or anything else he could get his hands on to try to survive.

"Leonard," Christine whispered. "Are you alright?"

He shook his head, unable to speak. Of all the things he could do...damn it to hell. McCoy pounded a fist on the desk.

"Captain, it's Nurse Chapel." Christine said, watching McCoy warily. His stomach recoiled thinking of Jim fighting this off alone. A CMO would be there helping his captain, but recent events proved that he was not helping at all and therefore was he last person who should try to help. If he had done his job as Chief Medical Officer, this would never have happened. Instead, he not only failed to stop it, he contributed to the problem. "There's a different anti-emetic we can try. It's stronger than the one I gave you earlier. I can prepare a hypo and bring it to you."

_"That's fine."_ Jim's voice cracked.

"Where are you, Captain?"

_"The ready room. I sent Spock out. I can't...the nausea...pain...don't think I can move."_

"I'll bring you the anti-emetic, Jim," McCoy hoarsely replied. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

McCoy was putting Jim through hell. McCoy had crossed a line and then another. He couldn't properly amend what he'd done without creating more havoc for Jim. To do the right thing - McCoy should first approach Spock to admit he'd erred in treating the captain.

In doing so, Jim would have his head.

_"No!"_ Jim's adamant reply choked McCoy.

"Jim, I'm-"

_"Send...Chris,"_ Jim said faintly. _"Bones, clear your schedule and meet here in half an hour for the debriefing."_

"Postpone it," McCoy said. He pushed aside the hurt that Jim didn't want him attending to his needs. What did he expect? A welcome with open arms after what he knowingly inflicted? McCoy eyes pricked with emotion as he struggled with the repercussions of his failure. What the hell was wrong with him? This was his best friend. He had an oath to uphold. He had Jim to take care of - _his damn Captain._

_"Can't. Already behind, Bones. I'll...manage."_

"Jim, I'm sor-"

_"Kirk out," _Jim snapped. The connection ended.

McCoy fought the urge to run from the room with his tail between his legs, especially upon seeing Christine's thunderous expression. "I'm not understanding all of this, but you need to apologize, Leonard. And pull yourself together once and for all. This is not like you."

"I tried to apologize." It was a weak, cowardly excuse. "Did you hear? He cut me off."

"Do you blame him? He's feeling extremely ill, Dr. McCoy. You handled this very poorly. Apologize officially."

"Trust me, Chris. Jim doesn't want me to go about this that way." However, Christine was right. To do this correctly, he'd have to inform Spock of the situation and face Jim's wrath for doing so. "I'll talk with him before we leave for Re'an."

"Leonard," Christine said, distrust heavy in her warning.

"I promise," he growled. "I'll bring you along with me to that damned planet if I have to."

Mortified, McCoy watched Christine scramble to prepare the hypo for Jim and dart out of sickbay. He waited with baited breath to hear from Christine but managed to remain busy and delegate his work. He finally heard that Jim, although he was improving, would require a second dose as soon as it was medically advisable. The nausea and pain had taken him by storm, but he was too stubborn to return to sickbay.

McCoy left sickbay as soon as he could forty minutes later, much later than he'd wished and cursing the emergency that delayed him. He didn't know what to expect when he entered the ready room, but from the corner of his eye he saw that for the time being Jim's tenacity had won. The captain appeared stalwart and unshakable, but McCoy knew better. Spock appeared to be well aware of Jim's ill health- he was but a hairs breadth away from him.

McCoy looked for a seat but it was standing room only. Uhura, Dr. Marcus, Dr. Jahnas, the head of the archaeology team, Dr. Bellis, and two other members were already seated. Even then, space was limited. McCoy's scowl deepened. He'd have to stand behind Dr. Jahnas- the last person in the entire universe with whom Jim should be in the same room. Not now, not with Jim's current state of mind.

He couldn't fault Jim for asking her to be on the away team. Aleyah's research on the behavior of Re'an's indigenous creatures intersected with Uhura's research on the Re'an and their use of animals in their communication.

But it was almost too much of a coincidence.

Jim's dependence upon Gaila for respite from his nightmares had been a problem for most of their relationship - up until Jim's obsession with the Kobayashi Maru, which swept in another problem all of its own. Aleyah's entrance was untimely, and McCoy vowed to do all he could to keep them apart on Re'an.

"Dr. McCoy, thank you for joining us."

Jim eyed him with a steady calm, his face revealing nothing except a captain's well-rehearsed control. However, McCoy had already taken inventory of the captain's symptoms - the faint sheen across his forehead, the clenched fists to hide the trembling of his hands, and the frequent swallowing. Jim tugged at his collar and cleared his throat.

"As I was saying, Dr. Bellis and his team located the missing piece of the missile. They will be working to carefully extract the piece from the site today. Meanwhile, Prince Lequa personally invited me this morning to share in a sacred ceremony involving a menagerie of animals our xenozoology team has studied these past few days. Dr. McCoy, Dr. Marcus, Lieutenant Uhura, and Dr. Jahnas, the invitation extends to you as well. Mr. Sulu will be joining us once we head to the transporter room. One more thing...although the Re'an are still reluctant to share...why..."

"Jim?" McCoy questioned softly as a faint grimace crossed over Jim's face and he closed his eyes. All eyes glued were glued on the Captain, Dr. Marcus and Spock looking the most concerned.

Jim expelled a slow breath, one hand purposely kneading his forehead

"Captain, I-"

"No," Jim interrupted Spock, waving his other hand in protest. He opened his eyes, jaw clenching and never glancing McCoy's way. "No. I'm fine."

Everything within McCoy told him to manhandle Jim down to sickbay. But everything wasn't enough for McCoy to even begin the urgent apology he should offer Jim. He kept still, in spite of the heated glare of the First Officer and his own concern for Jim. Calling even more attention to Jim's well-being during the debriefing was the last thing McCoy wanted to do, with Jim's secrets clawing their way to the surface.

Jim breathed deeply and began again. "Although the Re'an are still reluctant to share why they disappeared twenty years ago, their relationship with the Federation, as it stands, is peaceful and cooperative. There appear to be no hard feelings between us or any unresolved issues. They are considering our offer to return and develop a new colony within their previous solar system but at this time, that is not confirmed. We want them to feel welcome to return," Jim paused and eyed each of the away team with a solemnity, except for McCoy. "As I've said before, we have been ordered to do everything we can to maintain peaceful relations with the Re'an, for they offer a culture of pure beauty and tranquility that has transcended time - and now, space. Do you have any questions?"

After a moment, McCoy listened only with feigned interest to the ensuing conversations of the away team because he finally understood. What he was doing wasn't keeping the peace until the time came that Jim would bend under pressure and ask for help. What he was doing wasn't helping Jim at all and it certainly wasn't doing himself any favors.

"Dr. McCoy?"

McCoy scowled at Spock for catch him unawares. He breathed a sigh of relief that at least the others were conversing amongst themselves or leaving now that the debriefing was over.

"I would like to speak with you in sickbay." Spock paused. "Captain, you may join us as it pertains to your health."

"It's not necessary." Jim waved his hand.

"It is completely necessary, Jim." Spock walked to the door and stood expectantly, eyes now unreadable. "As your First Officer, it is my duty to ensure that you are at your best prior to beaming to the surface of Re'an. It is clear that you need further assistance from Dr. McCoy."

"Give me a minute, Mr. Spock," Jim sighed, his willingness to return to sickbay disconcerting and revealing the captain's ill health. "I'll meet you there."

"On the contrary. I shall wait outside to escort you, Captain."

Jim nodded faintly. "Alright."

"Jim, I'm-" McCoy didn't know where to begin his apology. "I'll be waiting in sickbay."

Jim stared at him, the blue frostiness of his eyes too much for McCoy. He trudged away from the captain, with the pivotal and sorrowing realization sinking deeper the sharp, wide blade that already had broken McCoy's own skin months ago when Jim's struggle had first begun. The blade touched an unreachable place, a place where he could not pull it out without doing irrevocable harm to himself. But did it matter? He deserved every bit of that pain. At the time Jim needed him most, McCoy reacted with selfish ambition, inevitably damaging his best friend and placing more distance between them.

Although his actions were nonsensical and absurd, to say the least, with faulty reasoning behind them, he finally understood. His daughter was already slipping through his fingers. Losing his best friend was more than he could handle.

It was painfully obvious to McCoy that Jim's past was catching up to him all too quickly. The captain's refusal to accept help only ignored and prolonged the inevitable anguish, and to protect himself, McCoy could only push him away well beyond arm's reach.

For if he pushed Jim completely away, McCoy would not be forced to endure the downward spiral of the man he loved as a brother and more than life itself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: Thanks so much for following along. Hope you enjoy what's next. I've greatly appreciate your reviews! DLB48, beta reader extraordinaire, thank you so much for your assistance with this story, as always!

* * *

Nyota lagged behind the two other women as they left the captain's ready room and headed towards a conference room where they could continue to work undisturbed. The captain requested more research before they returned to Re'an. Although time was limited, Nyota felt she needed a brief moment alone before working closely with Aleyah. Maybe she was overthinking the woman's inclusion on the away team but McCoy appeared troubled when he caught sight of Dr. Jahnas. The captain and his health were usually the root of the doctor's concern, and today seemed to be no exception. Gaila had often spoken about her cousin with a wary gleam in her eyes when it came to men. Gaila was less discrete when she spoke of Aleyah and Starfleet, informing Nyota that although her cousin was a genius in her field of study, her ambitions were selfish and boundless.

Dawdling, Nyota felt slightly guilty for abandoning Carol to the she-wolf character. However, she was also hungry and hoped Spock would have time to accompany her to the mess hall for a quick bite to eat. She turned around, decisively postponing her entrance into the conference room. Spock stood in the corridor, stance frozen near the door of the ready room and not noticing her approach. When she was but a few feet away, McCoy's voice drifted into the corridor. She frowned. She'd been sure the doctor had left when they did. He must have double-backed.

_"...you know it's time, Jim. Especially now-"_

_"Leave it alone, Bones. Please."_

_"I can't, Jimmy. If you're ill, and on top of that, remembering..."_

_"It's better left alone. You know that it is."_

_"You can't mean that, Jim."_

Spock's dark eyes clouded listening to the heated exchange between Kirk and McCoy. She withheld her inquiry as Spock's gaze flickered to her and then back to the open door where they both could make out the outline of the captain hunched over the table. She stepped forward, worried that Kirk would keel over at any second. Spock grabbed her arm.

"No, Nyota," he whispered calmly. Although she was perplexed that he was not interceding, she stopped. Her muscles coiled and she was unable to refrain from listening. He let go of her arm but she continued to worry. She held her breath, listening as Kirk's controlled, authoritative voice suddenly became something entirely ugly and unexpected.

_"Bones, it was a long time ago!"_ Jim snapped. _"It has nothing to do with how I feel after your damn hypos."_

Nyota blinked, lurching back at the abrupt and harsh tone of the captain's voice. Spock caught her again and clutched her arms. A long time ago?

_"Unless you care to speak of something else, I would like to head to sickbay..."_

"Nyota," Spock said softly, staring down at her with a resolute expression. "I must stay to escort the captain."

She knew and had already pulled away from him. Even if regulations did not demand the First Officer's attention when the captain was incapacitated, Spock would not leave his friend's side. Not when he was hurting, and certainly not when he was reacting poorly to Dr. McCoy's ministrations.

"I know. I'll see you shortly."

She scurried away, tamping down the worry as much as she could as she made her way to the conference room, mess hall forgotten. Her thoughts slowly returned to the task at hand but the confrontation she'd overheard buzzed at the forefront like a persistent, blood-sucking mosquito.

"Lieutenant, are you alright?" Carol murmured after Nyota sat beside her.

"I'm fine." She flashed a forced smile, hoping neither Carol nor Aleyah noticed the difference. "We've work to do."

"Yes, we do," Dr. Jahnas stated. "Captain Kirk would like us to be especially attentive of the Re'an during the ceremony today and aware of...these."

Glad for a diversion from her anxiety, Nyota's eyes eagerly swept over the hard copies of drawings Dr. Jahnas handed her. They were small but detailed sketches of the specific Re'an creatures Nyota herself had researched. The Re'an used all types of creatures, but those resembling smaller, harmless Terran snakes were more common for use in communication. She just as hungrily read the ethologist's notes, wanting to know all she could behind the mannerisms of this intriguing race. They would help her immensely. And wouldn't Kirk be excited to see what Aleyah had accomplished? "When did you get all of this done?"

Dr. Jahnas' eyes widened in surprise. "Me? It wasn't just my work, Lieutenant."

Impressed, Nyota inspected each of the drawings. When she got to the bottom of the pile, she blinked in shock. She pulled the drawing from its place, lifting it up in disbelief. She stared for a moment. The intricacies in the creature's skin, the utter emotion portrayed...was outstanding. Outstanding - and mysterious and only magnifying the tension she'd witnessed minutes ago. Beside her, Dr. Marcus leaned in, her curiosity inevitably piqued as well. "When did the captain tell you about the snake he held?"

Aleyah's mouth curved upward. She took the sketch of the snake draped around Kirk from Nyota with a particular, drawn out nonchalance.

"Isn't that snake remarkable? When did he tell me? Last night. Or, should I say," Aleyah lowered her voice. "This morning."

"What?" Nyota exclaimed before she could stop herself. Of all the things for Kirk to do. Dr. Marcus' familiar control slipped as her face paled significantly. Nyota backpedaled. There had to be an explanation. Given Kirk's recent out of character behavior and Aleyah's relation to Gaila, Nyota could almost imagine him acting out of passion rather than with a sound mind and logic. But he'd been so different with women. Less assured, less forward or not forward at all. Surely he hadn't...

"You should see the look on both of your faces," Aleyah said, eyes dancing with amusement. "It wasn't like that at all."

Although Dr. Marcus' body visibly relaxed, her mouth tipped down in displeasure. "You don't mean that you and Captain Kirk were researching all night. The captain's schedule today is quite full. Too full for insufficient rest. And if he is unwell..."

Aleyah raised an eyebrow at Carol's resurfacing concern for Kirk's well-being, her lips drawing into a faint smirk. Nyota's anger stirred. Aleyah appeared absolutely delighted and no doubt had purposefully mentioned the extra details simply to annoy and bait Carol.

"Never fear, ladies. The captain managed to contribute quite a bit in the hour before he fell asleep with some wine in his belly. The man was simply exhausted and I didn't have the heart to disturb him. However, these drawings here..." Aleyah pulled three from the pile and laid them on the table. They were as good if not better than xenozoologist's sketches. "These are his. I didn't realize he was so skilled."

"Why is the snake wrapping around him? And so tightly?" Carol frowned, still focused on the other sketch. Nyota handed her the sketch in question. Carol's fingers followed the maze of coiling as the creature wrapped around Kirk's wrist and arm. "This is disturbing. Did this...the snake really coil itself around the captain?"

Aleyah hesitated. Nyota held her breath, unsure how the woman would reply. Had Kirk explained to her in full?

"It did and he described to me its movements exactly. Those movements are what we need to discern. It wasn't clear why the snake coiled itself around him, but he did know the snake wouldn't harm him."

"It recognized it was subordinate?" Carol's eyes would not stray from the image.

"It's more than that," Nyota offered, wanting to explain this clearly without revealing more than the captain would desire. Instinctively, she had realized yesterday she would have to leave out mention of the captain's alleged tragedy from any notes or conversation regarding these creatures. "It does recognize Captain Kirk as the more powerful being. But, Prince Lequa told us these creatures have a gift. They sense levels of great strength, and they sensed the captain's."

"A mark of property or territory, then, in a way, by way of an act of honor." Aleyah murmured, eyes bright and looking so much like Gaila. "Fascinating. The captain must know about this. The alien creatures I've come across often behave contrary to their Terran counterparts or differently altogether. It makes perfect sense that they would see Captain Kirk as part of their own territory within the Re'an civilization, especially if they sense that strength in him."

Nyota frowned, not liking the implication of such behavior. "It may be the way it expresses subordinance, as Dr. Marcus said."

"I'm not so sure. Technically, the Re'an of Beta Re'an IV didn't believe anyone or anything to be subordinate, and you can confirm my observation, Lieutenant, that they've carried that same belief to this planet. Even the royal family treats its subjects with great respect. They may be called 'masters' but there is a minute change in that very definition of master. Here, within the context of animals as a form of communication, it would most likely be an expression of honor - not subordinance, even if they are claiming him. They are claiming him as a being that is stronger and more powerful than themselves in a very definite, visible way. That, in turn, shows they do not necessarily feel they are completely subordinate - but respectful."

Nyota did not want to admit, but Aleyah was correct.

"Captain Kirk explained to me the same snake was worn along the shoulders of Prince Lequa's child. In doing so, I think the boy is showing his peers he is different among them. It makes him distinguishable from others. Most of the Re'an, it appears, can wear a smaller snake but those of the royal family include those of larger, varying sizes."

"That is a remarkable concept, but I..." Carol hesitated. With extra caution, she placed the drawing on the table and pushed it away with her fingertips. "I don't have a good feeling when I look at this, but then again...I have never been terribly fond of snakes."

"Thankfully, for the captain's sake, I appreciate them. I admit I had been so intrigued by the snake he described to me and inspired by the captain himself that, well..." Aleyah gave a small shrug. "This is what I worked on after he fell asleep and I returned to my quarters. It will benefit us greatly for our task today, Lieutenant, as we observe their ceremony. For this..."

Dr. Jahnas paused, pulling up magnification of a crude image on her PADD. "...is what Captain Kirk would like to decipher.

"That's on the missile." Dr. Marcus frowned. "Why is he interested in this?"

"He believes the image shown here is related to the very creature which coiled around his arm." She pointed to a particular area. "See...there...it could be an arm...and the more detailed part of the image greatly resembles the tail of a snake - or another scaled creature indigenous to Re'an. That is why we experimented with creating images ourselves, to see if anything matched. He wants to know what the image means, although I am not altogether clear why he is adamant we solve the mystery immediately."

Nyota inhaled sharply, mentally fitting pieces of the puzzle together. The prince's troubling reference to a "tragedy" and the snake winding around Kirk's body had instigated a chain of events. Ever since those events, the captain's health and demeanor had deteriorated. This insistence on answers made her suspect that he had connected the events with something in his past. And whatever that something was distressed him immensely.

But research aside, Nyota wanted to rush from the ready room and strangle Kirk. What had he been thinking? Allowing Aleyah in his quarters in the middle of the night? Carol's eyes flickered away from each of the sketches, a hint of hurt upon her pale face. Carol cared for Kirk, and Nyota suspected that the captain returned a small fraction of the affection, whether or not he knew it for himself.

"Please," Aleyah's smooth voice swelled and edged towards condescending. "Do not judge your captain so quickly, Nyota. He wasn't himself, I confess. I was concerned and left shortly after he fell asleep."

"He hasn't been lately." Carol's wounded expression faded as she spoke with an authority about Kirk's disposition. "Himself, I mean."

Nyota held her tongue. She again knew more than either of them: that their captain was struggling and even his best of friends weren't sure how to help him.

* * *

McCoy breathed a sigh of relief once Jim's heavy eyes closed and his breathing deepened. Without having to speak, he and Spock had both agreed that Jim could not return to the planet in his current condition. The captain needed sleep so badly that McCoy overrode his medical instincts and slipped a sedative into Jim's drink.

"I do not think he will be pleased with you, doctor." Spock clasped his hands behind his back.

"Once he awakens and realizes I slipped something in his drink and his schedule today was pushed back even more, all because he was getting his beauty rest?" McCoy deadpanned as he adjusted the pillow under his stubborn captain's head. Another side effect of the vaccination which McCoy had failed to anticipate was the pain levels Jim was currently experiencing. Jim barely managed walking on his own to sickbay and if it hadn't been for Spock's assistance he'd never had made it there in one piece. Jim had also refused to rest and this was the alternative McCoy had been left with. "Whatever gave you the impression that he would be upset?"

"While the captain recovers I will keep to his schedule. He will join us on Re'an V when he is better. I believe I should commend your swift action to address this situation. However, I do have an issue with your previous interaction with the captain. Were you unaware that the vaccine would cause the captain such great physical discomfort?"

Hearing Spock's unstated question made McCoy realize that Christine Chapel must have spoken to him sometime after bringing the captain his medication. She had stepped in as Jim's protector, surmising that McCoy should have been more attentive to Jim given his medical history. McCoy almost laughed, just to scoff at himself. What a mess of things he had made.

"If you are asking me if I intended to harm him, the answer is you are out of your Vulcan mind." McCoy scowled, knowing that he was deflecting. Truthfully, he could barely reply to the judgemental question as the horror of what he had allowed to happen continued to sink in deeply.

"I am not accusing you of that, Doctor. However, it has been brought to my attention that you perhaps did perform your duty in a hurried, unprofessional manner without informing your patient of the consequences or allowing the patient to prepare himself."

He couldn't deny Spock's claim and he had no excuse to give the Vulcan. "I understand what I did wrong, Spock."

"May I inquire as to why you did not attempt to avoid this situation?"

McCoy stood, momentarily tongue-tied. There was nothing he could say that would not eventually lead back to events in Jim's past, or at least hint of it and demand more answers than either he or Jim could give.

"Dr. McCoy, as First Officer of the Enterprise, I must inform you that I will find the answers I need. I have observed the increasing tension between you and the captain and have reason to suspect that your unprofessional behavior is related to that tension. Since the captain's return from Re'an, I have noted that this rift has widened. Furthermore, although you and he both deny that anything is amiss, I have observed multiple references to events in the captain's past. Each reference has been followed by a marked deterioration in your relationship. Logic dictates that the two are related and therefore I conclude that this...tragedy...is at the root of your issue. The presence of such tension between the captain and chief medical officer is distressing to me. However, logic fails to explain how the two men I most admire and who themselves profess to having a deep friendship can allow their interactions to degrade to this level. It is most illogical as well as disturbing."

McCoy swallowed. "I cannot explain this to you, Spock, because Jim is the one who should explain. I'm sorry."

"I see." Spock clasped his hands behind his back and walked over to Jim's bed. "In that case, I expect a detailed report of this incident. I also expect to witness a concise apology to Captain Kirk upon his awakening. Will he be sufficiently recovered once he awakens?"

McCoy nodded as he adjusted Jim's IV so that he would receive the fluids necessary during his sedation. "The side effects should be noticeably diminished when he awakens in six hours."

"If those side effects are not diminished, doctor, expect more than a mere reprimand from me, Dr. McCoy." If McCoy had any doubts of Spock's allegiance to his captain during the turbulent last few weeks, they were alleviated now. "I have an additional request."

"You would like the explanation for our behavior."

Spock didn't move a muscle save the elegantly, arched eyebrow.

"I can apply logic when I want to," McCoy said with a grunt. "I just can't explain this without speaking first to Jim - alone."

"I do not believe that to be wise."

"I guarantee that Jim will feel the way I do."

"I will not alter the plan of action that I wish to take to resolve this troubling manner. It must not continue. I will not allow it, for both of your sakes, Dr. McCoy, and for the sake of the crew."

"At any cost?" McCoy's mind swirled with the myriad of ways this could go, none of which would be comfortable for any of them, especially Jim. "You have no idea what you're getting into by forcing this, Spock."

"On the contrary, doctor. I completely understand that there will be considerable consequences - for us all."


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note:_ Official notes will be found at the end of this chapter, including a response to one reviewer's questions. I know this chapter is a little longer but it's a milestone and quite heavy with content. I've written a story or two before that required a bit of a leading in to, but this one takes the cake. Thanks so much for your patience and for following along!

* * *

"You tricked me," Jim accused while rubbing the sleep from his eyes a mere four hours after McCoy knocked him out.

"I did what I should've done in the first place," McCoy muttered, displeased that the sedative hadn't kept the captain in his state of slumber longer.

The awakening captain didn't reply. McCoy's stomach clenched upon seeing his friend's distress, a blatant reminder of his own failure to treat Jim's medical issue fairly. Jim bent at the waist over the side of the bed. Ever the vigilant nurse, Christine was already there with a pan held under Jim's graying face.

"Bones, can I...can I at least go to my quarters to do this?" Jim's face twisted into a grimace as he remained hunched over the pan.

"I'm sorry, Jim, but I can't let you do that. Your electrolytes are way out of whack and I can't monitor you away from your quarters." McCoy infused his tone with as gentleness as he could. He'd not heard Jim request anything so pitifully and humbly in a long time. His chest tightened as Jim's words took him back before Tarsus began to haunt Jim again, to a time when his friend was transparent and open to receive the medical care and friendship McCoy had to offer.

He was torn watching Jim's violent reactions to the vaccination. Although it was customary for him to comfort Jim during such episodes, his heart remained too broken to aid his friend in such an intimate way. Christine's quiet ministrations to the captain only magnified the tension between the two men.

"Spock wants to speak with you. Soon."

"What?" Jim garbled out before he overcome by another onslaught of his sickness. A full minute passed before Jim finally collapsed back upon his pillow. Christine wiped the perspiration from his brow, but his jaw clenched and the fight returned in his eyes. "Why?"

McCoy crossed his arms, mind whirling as he thought of trying to have a conversation with a uptight, protective Vulcan and a captain who didn't want to talk. "Us. He heard some of our argument."

Another wave of emotion flooded Jim's cerulean eyes - including a rare glimpse of panic. Jim wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as he blinked at them both.

"No. That can't happen." Jim pressed his lips into a firm line and shook his head, his stubbornness raising McCoy's irritation once again as Jim gritted his teeth and heaved himself to the edge of the bed. The movement pulled at the catheter in his hand. "I'm done here."

The double meaning of Jim's words was not lost on McCoy.

"Captain, you're not well," Christine gently reprimanded. As if her statement needed backing, Jim wavered as he sat and the nurse steadied him with her hand. McCoy stepped back, hoping that Christine's approach would convince him to think twice about wanting to leave sickbay. As soon as he increased the distance between them and saw Jim's minuscule flinch, he realized he'd erred once again.

"We've delayed our return to Re'an V long enough. I actually do feel better and will be on my way."

"Feel better, my ass," McCoy muttered under his breath, knowing full well Jim wasn't being truthful. "Jim, Spock and I discussed this and expected you to be knocked out for at least two more hours. He and the away team beamed down hours ago. The mission is out of your hands for the time being."

"So it appears," Jim mumbled, appearing unfazed by the information.

McCoy frowned, worried that Jim hadn't heard him correctly. "Jim, the away team left knowing you were in ill health. Maybe we should take the time now to discuss-

"The away team left. I know." McCoy strained to hear Jim's subdued voice. "You told me. But I feel fine now. I've felt worse and performed just fine on other missions. You have to let me go, Bones. It's...important. Crucial, actually."

"Crucial?" McCoy didn't like the sound of that. Nothing of the sort had been mentioned by Spock earlier. "Why?"

Jim's face closed. "I can't...it's nothing I can explain right now, Bones."

Keeping his expression as neutral as possible, McCoy returned to Jim's side, tricorder in hand. Jim's deflection had been expected but it sent a fresh wave of frustration through McCoy as he continued his work, careful not to lay a finger on the rigid muscles of the captain. As he suspected, Jim's body had been severely stressed by his lack of sleep and both the physical and psychological trauma he presently endured.

"You can't leave, yet, Jim. Your attending physician's orders."

"I have to be there, Bones. The nausea has subsided and...and the pain...most of it, anyways." Jim glanced exasperatedly at the catheter barely remaining in its port and then the nurse who was reinserting it. Jim's fingers curled with tension.

"Captain," Christine said gently. "Please relax."

Jim furrowed his brow in concentration but his hand scarcely moved. "Bones, will you take this out? Please?"

"Christine will later." Jim's head jerked up, his eyes reflecting hurt at the nurse's name. McCoy chose to ignore Jim's pained expression at the realization that McCoy had delegated his medical care to Nurse Chapel. The distance gave McCoy the necessary clarity of mind while Jim was in sickbay. He needed that distance to properly care for the young captain, at least he assumed he did. The more he repeated the thought in his mind, the truer it became. "But not-"

_"Scott to McCoy."_

"Yes, Mr. Scott." McCoy almost groaned, at once sensing that this interruption would pertain to Jim since Scott had the conn. It was a most inconvenient distraction when all McCoy wanted to do was to apologize to Jim. Even more important, he needed to repair the damage he inflicted on Jim as his CMO. Only then could he even attempt to approach him about the other problems.

_"Has the captain awakened from his wee bit of extra sleep, doctor? I must speak with him. It cannae wait."_

"Mr. Scott, he is unable-"

To McCoy's chagrin, Jim interjected. His voice carried over McCoy's. "Yes, I am awake, Scotty. Go ahead."

_"Sir, we just received word from Commander Spock. If you are able, Captain, the Commander has asked for you, Dr. McCoy, and a security team to beam to Re'an directly. He said, and I quote, 'Lest the captain be dyin'.'"_ Scott paused._ "Between you and me, Captain, those words are unusual comin' from Mr. Spock, but we were cut off before I could ask for an explanation. But those were his exact words and I am under orders to inform the captain. Sir, the Re'an are being attacked by a few of their own. It dinnae make any sense. Ach, Captain, they are stealin' away with Prince Lequa's own lads and lasses as we speak."_

McCoy's heart sunk. Children's lives were at stake? Wasn't this supposed to be a planet without violence? Spock actually wanted Jim, well or not, to beam down to the planet in the thick of an attack? Nothing would confine Jim to sickbay now. And now, his clumsy attempt to address their conflict would be moot. If anything, the situation was bound to get worse, just like any other unresolved issue.

McCoy glanced sideways at the young captain. Even hunched over and wavering, Jim held his body tautly. McCoy surmised that everything about Jim's current condition - and now this urgent mission - was reminding him of that grievous teenage year. McCoy's heart sank as he considered what lay ahead for them. Jim would insist on returning to the planet. Once again McCoy would accompany Jim to safeguard his health even as multiple stressors which continued to pile upon the captain. Frowning at the monitor, he noted the readings which revealed Jim's pain level - and it was not what Jim claimed. Force of will would only carry Jim so far and he would require a hefty painkiller to simply walk out of sickbay without collapsing in a heap. McCoy had only one option and that one had minimally clouded Jim's thought processes in the past.

It would have to do. McCoy scowled. He detested that planet already but this raised his dislike to an entirely different level.

"Please inform the Commander that I am on my way," Jim replied, offering his hand to Christine. "As long as Dr. McCoy approves."

She glanced at McCoy with the unspoken question.

He nodded with regret and she removed the catheter. Jim slid off the biobed and promptly squeezed his eyes shut, knees buckling. Were it not for Christine's superb reflexes, Jim would have fallen.

McCoy fought to keep his hands from clenching as he prepared the hypo. If he touched Jim at all, it would be to strap him down to the biobed for his health and safety, Spock's wishes be damned. He wanted to reverse the damage he'd done to Jim- not aggravate it. But holding Jim in sickbay would be impossible given the circumstances, and McCoy allowed him to go. He anticipated that the dizziness would subside after a few moments of being upright and that it would not be an issue once they transported to the planet.

"What's that?" Jim looked warily at the hypo McCoy handed to Christine.

"Jim, it's what's going to allow you to walk out of this place. Or would you rather stumble to the ground in the pain you're in?" No doubt Jim was too shocked that McCoy was allowing him a drug to combat the pain to react to the pinch in his neck. The captain's eyes widened at McCoy. "Give yourself a minute before you head out, Jim. Take it slow."

"I'm good." Jim's sigh was long-suffering and his next utterance unsurprising to McCoy. "Damn wheat, Tars-"

"_Christine_." McCoy barked, his harshly spoken interruption occurring barely in time to provide enough distraction. Christine frowned. Jim's voice broke off but he didn't recognize his slip, so intent was he on regaining his footing. "Prepare another anti-emetic for me to take."

"I'll see you directly in the transporter room, Bones. We've no time to waste." The captain rubbed his hand with a wince. Stride deliberate and careful, Jim walked out of sickbay without a backwards glance at McCoy.

"I'll be right behind ya, Jim," was all McCoy could manage.

* * *

Down on the planet, Jim almost allowed himself to feel relief as he and the rescue team drew closer to the kidnappers. The small team had departed from the Enterprise mere minutes earlier with the intention of securing the release of Prince Lequa's children and capturing the renegade members of the Re'an. The vast palace with its array of rooms and intersecting corridors boggled the mind and complicated the mission, not to mention an indoor garden with just as many nooks and crannies. Outfitting the team with proper equipment and tools for every possible situation had delayed more than Jim liked. Upon hearing Jim's description of the palace layout and that it was on lockdown, the chief of security had added fire safety equipment at the last minute, further impeding his desire for an immediate beam down. Now, as smoke drifted from the direction of the royal garden, Jim made a mental note to commend him for such an intuitive decision. They were facing more than just a mere rescue attempt.

His steps slowed as he turned the corner and halted completely in his tracks as he observed the scene in front of him. Thick black vines curled, sculpting the arching doorway of a grand room that now loomed before Jim. He swallowed uncomfortably, fighting the urge to approach and open those heavy doors rather than following his security team as he ought to do. His direct orders had that team scrambling past him on their way towards the garden where the renegades and children were. A whisper of sound drifted from behind the doors and caught his interest. Jim held his breath, recalling what Prince Lequa had told him the day of the banquet. This must be the room which housed not only the Re'an's domesticated creatures but also others too wild to tame and far too priceless to lose.

Jim's legs and feet locked into place, focused upon the room just as much as his eyes were. Soon the Re'an birds and their high-pitched tones pierced Jim's ears. The crawling creatures mewed and moaned as they desperately scratched at the door, adding to the beckoning cacophony. Although he didn't hear them, he was aware that other creatures dwelled there as well. There were the snakes, the ones he instinctively knew would not hurt him but luxuriated in their home with elegant, and sometimes dangerous, coils. According to Prince Lequa, these creatures 'lived in harmony and peace' but their response gave Jim reason to believe that they clearly sensed something in their world was amiss.

Jim blinked, images of Re'an creatures blurring with the faces of frightened Re'an children in his mind. Recalling what he had learned about the palace layout, he remembered that an exit on the far side of the massive room housing the creatures lead to the enclosed garden itself. Crossing that room would bring them directly to the children's location. However, the creatures complicated Jim's plan. They were invariably sacred, not to be handled by outsiders unless presented by a Re'an being as the snake had been presented to him. Although many of the creatures were formidable, Jim felt no fear. The snakes had already shown that they would let him pass without harm. Surely the others would behave in the same manner, too.

He took a shallow breath. He had no reason to know if the creatures would respect his crew, too. That meant that his best chance of success would be to forget protocol and the mission plan, and cautiously slip into the room by himself. It meant abandoning his crew, and if Jim failed, if his instincts were wrong, every crew member on Re'an V might not survive. If his instincts were correct, there would be no casualties at all with the possible exception of himself. Saving his crew and the innocent children would be worth the price. He groaned, confused as to why he even hesitated.

"Jim, what are you..."

McCoys' voice warbled in Jim's ears but another time and place enveloped his mind, one where no doctors existed to provide comfort or aid. He entered the dry, tormented, and desolate world where the number of creatures alive were very few.

_They all screamed, both humans and animals alike, wild and ear-shattering screeches, just as those birds, and in a discordant symphony. But their cries were heard too late and by then the cries had become incessant murmurings. Jim scratched at his cell door, his fingers wearing themselves down, through skin to bone. He mumbled to himself name after name, with fingernails gone in his desperate effort to escape. His fingers continued to bleed and tear, just like his heart-_

"Jim! You need to put on your mask."

Jim jerked his head to his right as a hand grabbed his shoulder and manhandled him towards the racing figures of security. The air sucked their breath away even now. Fire had come upon them all too sudden, despite their preparedness.

"You said this way, Jim..."

"No," Jim whispered as hands began to tug the mask over his face. For a few seconds he tried brushing the hands away. He wanted to stay.

"Dammit, Jim," the doctor's voice broke through. "Stop fighting me. You need this so you can breathe!"

Jim let his hands fall to his sides, frustrated as Bones fitted the mask over his face. As much as he appreciated the pure brute strength of the doctor, it wasn't the time for Bones to pull him along mercilessly. The doctor's fingers dug into his arms and easily overpowered him. Jim glanced back at the door leading to an alternate path, the Re'an one that drew him like water drew a parched and weary traveler wandering in an endless desert. Now even more reluctant, he dragged his feet but Bones persisted.

"NO? You have to stay with me, Jim. You have to lead them, as Prince Lequa informed you and you alone where the captors took the children and how to reach them. We need you, Captain." Bones' urgency tugged at his memory.

"I have get there before they do." Jim frowned, now recalling the prince's words once again. Lequa said these particular members of his species had been demented by their own poor choices. These choices, so very contrary to their culture's way of life, acted as a psychological poison and damaged their inability to suppress acts of violence. They were now reduced to using threats to survive rather than be exiled. And they now demanded to speak only with a Starfleet commanding officer to negotiate. "They will shoot unless I approach them first."

"I know." Bones looked at him with an odd expression. Jim returned his stare with a bewildered look of his own. Jim was certain Spock had been beside him. Not Bones, his best friend who now kept his distance and now attended to the medical needs of their rescue team. "I know you have to be there. Jim, are you feeling-"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Jim muttered before the doctor could finish his query. He felt fine, considering. He sprinted from the doctor's grip, defying his instincts and the sluggishness of his body. They were headed into something bigger than they expected or ever imagined when they'd first rediscovered the Re'an species. Jim made his choice. He would forgo the attempt, the solitary rescue of his own despite the raw, sinking feeling gnawing in his stomach. What was he missing? The fire had come upon them so suddenly when they'd reached the vast, wild garden that they still waited on the proper equipment from the Re'an to extinguish the larger parts. Had it been planned? Instigated by one of their own? If so, oddly enough the renegade Re'an themselves were in the thick of it.

Tossing the idea aside, he made his way to Spock, who so far remained unaffected by the heat. Jim picked out his frame immediately and postured himself beside his First Officer. The brush surrounding the renegades were engulfed in flames but it wouldn't stop his crew, now equipped with masks. The feeling that he had failed raged wild and fierce just like the flames which carved a fiery path to the children inside the brush. He was almost there, but Jim knew he'd already failed to protect the ones he cared for the most.

The smoke shifted like a thick, heavy curtain parting from a stage and Jim peered through, catching sight of a tall, blue form tripping over his feet and coughing as he fell to his knees.

"Spock." Jim thought quickly as the alien being pushed fruitlessly in his effort to stand and slumped to the ground. The part of the garden untouched by fire was overgrown, making it impossible to pass through without removing brush or sustaining injury from thorns. "If we blast a clear way through the garden on the north end close to the captors, they'll take it because they can't handle the smoke."

He looked at Spock, waiting for his answer. The Re'an _had_ to take it or the children they'd captured wouldn't survive the conditions.

"Understood, Captain. Considering the heat and the inherent risks in this operation, I recommend that I be the one to lead the security team in action." Spock regarded him intently.

"That's fine. I'll be...with Bones." Jim clenched the phaser in his hand. He knew his limits and although he rarely admitted them, this was one time he forced himself to speak the truth.

"Very well, Captain." Spock narrowed his eyes.

Jim wiped his brow, a distinct weakness and the familiar pain coursing through his body and threatening his ability to stand. With nowhere to lean and Bones too close for comfort, Jim exhaled a slow breath. Spock named five security officers, and they departed. A moment passed as the rest of the team waited.

"Jimmy, you're weaving." Bones clutched Jim's arm. "I think you should sit down."

"I'm fine," he muttered, irritated that he even required the doctor at his side when he knew his crew or the Re'an beings who dropped from smoke inhalation may need the doctor's assistance even more. He glanced around, finding his crew through the thick, enveloping haze. A few were missing besides Spock and five from security. He located Uhura and Carol. Nurse Chapel had beamed down with them as well and now bent over one of the unconscious Re'an renegades. "Where's Dr. Jahn-"

The ground trembled and the explosion pulsed in his ears, signaling that Spock had fulfilled his orders. Jim pushed his feet forward, Bones right beside him and his question forgotten. Sheer will propelled him towards the sound and the innocent children who'd been pulled into a life-endangering mess. From the corner of his eye, he saw Bones move to attend to a crew member with burns along his arm.

The doubt crept in again but Jim steeled himself from the thoughts of what could have been. This had been the straightest course he could've taken, at least according to Starfleet's standards. Within a full minute, Jim's plan forced the dozen renegades through that open path and beyond the fire and smoke in search of their own relief. Upon Spock's command, the crew surrounded them with phasers set to stun. Jim stood before the self-proclaimed and weapon-wielding Re'an leader, Man'en. As the prince's own cousin, Man'en surely knew that the Enterprise crew had the upperhand.

Jim straightened his shoulders despite a burgeoning realization that settled distastefully in the hollow of his stomach. Casualties so far included the security officer at his feet - and unfortunately wouldn't end there. Those injured were several men and women who had been caught in the sudden flames.

"Captain Kirk." Man'en's eyes flared with anger, his words sporting contempt as he peered first at Spock and then at Jim. "You sacrifice much for a species so unlike your own."

"I have sworn as the Captain of the Enterprise that we will never turn our backs on those who are innocent. We will never stop fighting against those who will harm others with their evil ways," Jim said slowly, stepping closer.

The Re'an dropped their weapons and all but one dropped their hold on their captives. Jim narrowed his eyes at the blue-skinned warrior woman whose hand clenched one of Lequa's sons, refusing to relinquish her hold on him. Her pale eyes glowed a cool pink, her face the picture of stoicism. Significantly shorter than the others of her species, her height struck Jim as most peculiar. Jim calculated that she would barely reach his chin but appeared to be a full adult Re'an in every other way. After a few seconds, her slender arm let go of her captive but her eyes never strayed from Jim's. He broke the contact as the captured children came forward with light, timid steps. Their eyes were wide, teeming with an emotion they never felt before - fear. Jim's stomach rolled upon seeing it in such a fresh, raw form. Their expressions echoed a horror, a feeling he experienced in his own youth.

The reminder drew too close. Jim held his frame with rigid indifference, an attempt to distance himself from the suffocating thoughts of his past. Uhura and Carol took the children by the hand and gave them each their own masks before leading them back to safe, unblemished parts of the palace. Upon recognizing the Starfleet captain, however, the prince's bald-headed son dashed headfirst into his chest. In a reaction so natural it would haunt him later, Jim's arm encircled the boy in comfort.

"It is worth the cost," Jim said. His heart thudded in his ears as the weight and consequences of his choice crashed down around him. He glanced down at the boy and met with a set of bright eyes that, curiously, seemed to hold far too much for a child so young.

Jim frowned.

The luring sounds of the Re'an animals echoed in his ears. As odd as it was, somehow he knew that the Re'an had shown him a better, mostly likely safer route to rescue their children. Doubt nagging at the back of his mind caused his hesitation then as he had questioned passing through the room of exotic and deadly alien creatures. He and the children were safe, but his crew paid the price for his self-doubt. Recalling the dead crewman at this feet, guilt stabbed at him. He desperately wanted to revisit his choice.

If given a second chance, Jim thought that he just might take that Re'an way.

* * *

_Author's Note: __"I'm an anthropologist, not a doctor." _

Yes, anthropology is my cup of tea although I currently call myself a teacher. I never had an idea for a storyline with anthropological elements until now, after a unique culture exchange this summer became my muse. I hope it's a part of the story that is interesting and enjoyable for you.

I'd like to respond to _Bec's_ review and inquiry. This story is a stand alone. It has no prequel, etc. I mentioned before that this story does not correlate with ANY of my other ST stories - it's in its own 'verse.' The 'past' events mentioned in this fic refer to the massacre on Tarsus IV which Jim witnessed as a young teen. For the most part, I believe, that Jim witnessed the massacre and experienced the famine is at the very least head canon for many fanfics. I didn't want to label this as a "Tarsus fic" even though it is obviously vital to the story. I feared if I did tag it that way, it would overwhelm the true plot of the story, which is the angst between Jim/McCoy and the Jim/McCoy/Spock element, both of which occur within this cultural setting. I still won't describe the story as a Tarsus fic even though that particular label attracts readers. I need to be true to the story, which is somewhat mysterious in its essence. :-)

Aleyah is an OC of mine who appears for the first time in this fic. Gaila is canon for ST:2009. She was in the first reboot. I hope these answers suffice!

DLB48, thank you again for your wonderful beta assistance. I'm incredibly grateful for your editing skills and ideas. To those who read and/or review- thanks so much. I really appreciate the feedback!


	9. Chapter 9

Jim's ragged breathing broke the deathly silence, unseeing eyes boring into the body bags before him. The three young security officers had suffered agonizing deaths under his command and he couldn't shake the feeling that it was all his fault. He had spent the entire night reconsidering his command decisions as guilt and self-doubt kept him awake. He had followed protocol, heeding the advice of Spock, McCoy and even the security team. He listened to everyone at the expense of heeding his own instincts and his crew paid the price..

_And for what? Did he have to prove that he could follow the rules? _The passage through the Re'an's animals had practically screamed at him to take it, and he ignored it. Now he was sure it would have saved the lives of his crew members, making it worth the risk to his own safety. It wasn't that long ago that he would have jumped at the chance to risk his life for his crew. Was he losing his grip on his captaincy? Why was he suddenly unable to balance instincts with the advice of his senior team?

He clenched his fists, finding it increasingly difficult to keep them at his sides. He needed a target for the frustration building within him and his fists were eager to lash out for him.

"Jim." Bones laid a hand on his shoulder, a hand that was a blade, slicing deeply and offering no reassurance. For the first time in weeks Bones was initiating physical touch beyond medical necessity but it felt too icy to be of any comfort. "It wasn't your fault."

"I never said it was." The monotone voice wasn't his, nor was the doubt. He honestly didn't know who was here standing and talking to Bones. He didn't have to tell Bones how he felt. Bones just knew. Despite their recent falling out, he knew.

"You don't have to say anything. I can tell you are thinking it." Bones dropped his arm. The pressure left, allowing Jim to distance himself more. A few more inches and it felt like a million miles. "Jim, they died quickly from fatal injuries. There was nothing you could have done to save them."

Jim nodded his head once, shrugging off the doctor's information. He had read Bones' report multiple times, the last time right before he entered this small room in sickbay.

"Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, Jim. You've barely slept ten hours since the attack."

"Two died when we were there. This makes five. Five. And those who were injured...that makes ten."

Aleyah received treatment for third-degree burns on her left arm and wrist, and the second-degree burns on her right leg. She recovered, but one of the security officers still remained in sickbay for the burns he suffered. His away team had protected the Re'an at great cost to themselves. Several Re'an suffered from minor smoke inhalation, but only one was injured beyond that. Star Fleet command had postponed their next mission so the Enterprise could remain nearby and ensure the Re'an recovered.

"It's not. Your. Fault."

"Do you really believe that? I'm the captain. If something goes wrong, it is my responsibility. Mine and mine alone."

"You did everything by the book, Jim. You can't beat yourself up like this."

"I didn't do everything, Bones." Jim's mind raced considering all the possible courses of action he could have taken.

"What did you say?"

"I knew there was another way."

Bones scowled. "That doesn't make it altogether wrong for how you did act. You made the best choice you could."

"I knew there was another way, Bones," he repeated. Jim's skin prickled, remembering the scorching heat in the building and scrambling through smoke-filled overgrowth to rescue the children. While he remembered everything in vivid detail it still puzzled him. He was missing a piece of that puzzle. "Somehow, I know I could've prevent this. Every injury. Every death."

"Jim, there's no way you can know that. You're exhausted and not thinking clearly. As your friend, I am telling you that you need to rest. As your CMO, I'm adding that if you don't sleep on your own, I am going to have to confine you to sickbay until you rest.."

"In sickbay? Rest? Bones, I'm fine." His very well-being mocked him. When all this was finally over, he wouldn't even have a scar to remind him it happened. _But Aleyah would._ Remorse ate at him as thought back to the scene on the planet.

_Thick smoke still blanketed the garden as McCoy moved among the wounded, tending them as best as he could with the limited supplies he had available. Aleyah whimpered despite the sedation and Jim swallowed back on nausea as he stared at the ugly burns on her leg. He clutched the useless communicator, tempted to hurl it in frustration. Medical help lay on the other side of that device, but help that was unreachable due to malfunctioning Re'an shields. He could command a starship and still be unable to quickly fix the tampering the rebels had done. His crew's scars would be his fault, not caused by the delay in reaching medical care. Why did he include Aleyah on the team in the first place? Sure, he had reasons enough but deep down, it had to be his fault. She would be safe on the ship if he hadn't needed a buffer between himself and Bones._

Startling himself back to the present he scoffed, "In fact...did you take a look at me? Not a scratch. Not a single damn scratch."

"I refuse to apologize for being glad that you weren't hurt. Jim, think of all that didn't happen. You saved the prince's children."

"But it shouldn't have happened like this."

"You need to move past that thought."

"It's just so easy for you, isn't it, Bones? Everything." Jim said, wanting his sarcasm to sting but finding his droning voice simply echoing his thoughts. "You're also sure of yourself. You don't second guess your every action because you need to prove yourself like I do. You can just forget and move forward. You have it all - even a young daughter who attracts beautiful women for her father."

"Just stop it, Jim," Bones scowled at the mention of his daughter, his chilling voice filling the room. "I thought you were concerned about your crew's safety. Is this really about you and wanting some fling, then? If that's the case, maybe you should think twice about why you're here."

Jim stepped back as the words hit their mark, stinging smartly. "Bones...this is about my crew."

Of course he cared for his crew. He had already died once to save them. How could Bones say such a thing to him? He was thinking out loud, trying to sort things out. He had lost crew members before and it always hurt, but why did this mission bother him so much more? Where had he gone wrong and why couldn't he move past the guilty feelings? For that matter, when had things gone wrong with Bones? Why was he messing everything up all the time? Jim acknowledged that at this particular point in time he wasn't eloquent of speech but Bones was not helping at all. Instead of attempting to patch up their misunderstanding, Bones had matched his sarcasm and everything threatened to escalate. Jim stared at him, confused. It was so unlike Bones that he opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong when Bones cut in.

Bones snorted as he let all the frustrations of recent weeks show through. "You could've fooled me. You're the one who insists he has it all under control when all you've done is shoved your feelings into a closet and slammed the door. You first need to admit to yourself that you have needs and feelings. If you do, you might find it easier to be nicer to all your friends and I wouldn't stoop to distracting Carol just to get your attention!"

"Are you and...?" Jim's breath left him, unable to correctly process what Bones just told him. "You've really ...asked her out?"

Was this what this was about? Jim was attracted to her, even more so after their earlier missions on Re'an V., but he wasn't ready for any kind of serious relationship.

He'd never be ready. The thought was preposterous despite his longings. Bones knew that although Jim looked, he didn't feel up to being the flirt he used to be - and hadn't in a long time. He hadn't even flirted with Aleyah. What Bones said had no truth in it - at all. Even if Jim had been interested in the first place, he would step aside for the sake of their friendship. As much as it pained him to consider that he had perhaps finally found a woman worthy of a lasting relationship, he would do that for his friend.

"No," Bones groaned. "That's not what I meant. I don't even like her in that way. I don't want to date her."

Jim shook his head, confused. "Wait...you don't even...what the hell, Bones. Are you trying to make me upset? Then why...?"

"It's not about what you think it's about, dammit!" Bones scowled, inching himself closer to Jim. Standing taller than his captain. Bones could pack a punch, a branding, powerful hurtful punch. Not wanting to be on the receiving end of one, Jim flinched and took two steps backwards.

"Then what is it about, Dr. McCoy?" He felt like a first year cadet again, not like the captain of the Federation's flagship. He felt isolated, afraid, and defensive. These feelings did not sit well with him, so he found himself resorting to cockiness to hide his insecurities. "I don't have all day. I have family members of the deceased to contact."

"You're not you, Jim," Bones swallowed. "You're losing yourself."

"Excuse me?"

"You're losing yourself and I don't know how to get you back!"

"Losing myself?" Jim asked in disbelief. "I have a ship with over four hundred crewmembers depending on my every move. I don't have the luxury to think about losing myself, Bones."

"But you need to."

"I thought this wasn't supposed to be about me?"

"Dammit, Jim. It is about you but it's also about the people you care about. Do you think that I want to be fighting with you?"

"Yes!" He glared at Bones, mentally slamming a fist into the wall. "I do! It's all you do now when we try to talk."

"Jesus, Jim. I'm not trying to make you upset!"

"You won't come near me unless it's necessary. If you do touch me, it's by accident and then you recoil. You've handed my care over to Nurse Chapel so that you don't even have a medical reason to touch me. You avoid me as much as a CMO can avoid a captain. You won't talk to me except as a doctor, either. For the first time in forever, you talk to me as a friend and it's to accuse me of being a...an insensitive jerk? A bad captain? To interrogate me about my feelings and how I'm coping?" He paused to catch his breath, scaring himself with his outburst. He caved, not having any fight left inside of him. His next sentence emerged as a pitiful whimper. "What the hell are you trying to do to me, Bones, if you're not trying to make me upset?"

"What am I trying to do? I'm trying...never mind. You're not going to get it, Jim. You never will! I can never tell you because you won't listen to me when I try to explain."

"I don't listen? I'm listening now."

"You're losing yourself, Jim. Your fire and passion for the chair, your impulsive decision making, the things that set you apart and make you Jim Kirk. The fact that you're upset enough to tell me about the mission proves it."

"I don't understand. I can't lose myself when it's part of the job to be who I am and guide this ship. I'm doing my best to keep the chair this time."

"I wish you would understand, Jim. This is what you do. You fight me."

"But I'm not," Jim pleaded. "I am trying my best, Bones."

"I see. And when I point out to you that you can no longer hide behind that face of yours or behind your act, that at some point your past is going to catch up with you-"

"Stop," Jim tried to take a mental step backward and speak to his friend calmly. "That has nothing to do with my ability to captain this ship."

"It doesn't? Then why did you ask Dr. Jahnas to accompany the away team?" Bones' face hardened.

"You have no reason to question my authority like that, doctor."

"Answer the question, Jim." Bones gritted. "Your reaction tells me that I sure as hell do."

"Fine." His anger surging, Jim fought to keep his temper under control. "I requested her presence on the away team so that she could observe their ceremony. Her insights would contribute greatly to her research database and furthermore in this way she could obtain the information I need from the Re'ans."

"Really. Those are the reasons?" Bone's jaw twitched and his eyes probed deeper than Jim liked. "You didn't ask for her to join the away team because she reminds you of Gaila and how Gaila supported you during your rough nights with nightmares at the Academy?"

"Don't you dare bring Gaila into this. She's dead. Dead, Bones. For three years now." To his dismay, his voice cracked with emotion as he remembered the vibrancy of a girl he had, indeed, cared for, despite appearances. "She has nothing to do with this."

"I'm waiting for your answer, Jim. She reminds you and-"

"That's not why!" Jim interjected, his heart thudding in his ears as he answered Bones honestly. What he had done didn't dishonor Gaila's memory as Bones implied. "I requested her presence also because...I knew...I knew you'd think that way...I knew it would upset you and distract you...from me."

Bones paled. "Shit, Jim."

"I know," he said in a small voice.

"You _used_ her...just like..."

_Just like Gaila._

"Enough, Bones. You want to get technical?" Jim mocked, retaliating. "Tell me. Whose fault is it really that I was so ill following that inoculation? It felt like I ate leather, Bones. Goddamn leather. You know I know how that feels like. F-Tarsus."

"I'm so sorry. I am, Jimmy," Bones' voice dimmed to practically nothing as he wilted before Jim's eyes - but Jim wasn't done."

"You didn't act sorry at all," Jim snarled, completely stricken again as the pain of what Bones did to him slugged him in the stomach. He couldn't even recall receiving a firm, honest 'I'm sorry' from the doctor. "And at first I thought maybe it was mostly my fault but it wasn't. It was -"

"I know whose fault it was, dammit, Jim! It was _my_ fault, alright? All mine. I messed up. I was going to comm Spock so that he could witness my apology but then we received the distress call. I am more upset at myself than you'll ever realize, Jim, knowing what I put you through that day. Because of what you've been struggling with already. It...it didn't set you up well at all for any type of decision making. And neither did the pain medication that..I..." Bones sighed and looked at Jim, emotion brimming in his eyes and spilling over for Jim to see. "I set you up, Jim. For failure. Unintentionally, but I did it just the same. I think it influenced your decisions during the rescue. If there's anyone to blame, it's me."

"That's nice to know." Jim's sarcasm poured from his mouth and onto the doctor like hot wax. McCoy's anguished, humble response both egged him on and provoked the tears stinging his eyes, the ones he couldn't allow the doctor to witness. "Maybe now you'll get a clue to leave my past alone, doctor."

"Maybe it is about time I do just that. If you can't acknowledge that it affects you while we're on this mission, then _Captain_, I can't help you anymore."

"What do you mean?" Jim's heart skipped a beat.

"You let past events define you today. You won't pursue a serious relationship because of things that happened to you. You acknowledge that your father inspires you but deny that you're running away from your past as much as you try to live up to his legacy. Your past affects everything you do, from running this ship to the way you talk with your friends. You clearly have relapsed and are recycling your old coping mechanisms. Dr. Jahnas proves it. Your behavior has deteriorated and your thinking and reasoning have diminished because you're running. You're running on fumes, Jim!"

"Fumes? That's not what's happening."

It wasn't. He had it all under control like he always did. Didn't he?

"Yes, fumes, Jim. You're barely hanging on. As your closest friend and your physician, it is crystal clear to me." Bones glared at him. "When was the last time you had a full nights rest without the help of a sedative?"

"I..." Jim took a hasty breath, not sure why that even mattered. "I'm not sure. Maybe...maybe..."

"You don't know, do you? When did you last eat three square meals on a single day, even with my assistance? When is the last time you woke up and thought of anything other than that blasted governor and the brutal times you fought trying to keep you and your band of kids alive? When did you last have a day without a single headache or an episode of spacing out? Or did you really think you could hide them from me?"

"I'm coping," Jim argued, tension creeping into his muscles. "It's not running on fumes. I'm fine."

"You're wrong, Jim. You're running because you're scared and someday soon, you're going to crash into a wall."

"My past is my business," Jim snapped when Bones skimmed upon a bit of the truth. "Not yours. Leave it alone, Bones."

"It is my business because I've seen you blank out, not only one time on that damn planet but also here right in sickbay a few days ago. You're lucky that I - and not Spock - was standing next to you on Re'an V."

"So I blanked out for a minute. No big deal." Jim argued. "You're making this a larger problem than it is, just as you inflate everything."

"Tell me exactly what am I exaggerating? Every damn bit is true. I know you, Jim, and I see just a shadow of yourself. I watch you struggling every day simply to maintain your cover. I see the Jim Kirk I once knew shriveling away daily because of what you so eloquently call your past. Everyone has a past, Jim, and you have to recognize that yours effects you to this day. You've always tried to pretend that things never happened and you can just forget about them, but unfortunately your control is unraveling, Jim. The time has come you have to deal with these emotions once and for all. It's time to deal with your stepfather, Frank. With Kodos..."

Jim flinched. "Stop, Bones. Just stop." His voice rasped with anger, enraged that those names had been uttered. "I'm fine."

"Say the governor's name, Jim, if you are just fine."

"Stay out of it," Jim's heart raced. "I'm fine."

"You can't say his name, can you?" Bones' eyes didn't reflect the compassion Jim was accustomed to but were filled with frustration and anger. Bones gruffed at him all the time, but he was never really angry. Confused and worried, Jim tried to avoid the verbal onslaught as the doctor mocked him again. "Can you?"

"Why the hell would I even want to?" Jim argued, desperate to hide the truth. Heart pounding, he attempted to deflect by saying the first thing coming to his mind and as tauntingly as he could. "And what's up with your attitude lately? Why are you so bent on taking things out on me? Did Jocelyn's claws scrape you up a bit recently?"

"Wha...what?" Bones blinked at him but his hesitation gave him away.

Jim's mind raced as he realized with a hint of satisfaction that his best friend hadn't been exactly open with him, either.

"So, she has." Jim narrowed his eyes.

"That's not up for discussion," Bones growled.

"Not up for discussion," Jim chuckled ruefully, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Not up for discussion. Right. Well, neither is my past."

"It's not the same thing, Jim."

"The hell it isn't. When have you _never_ broken out the booze so you can deal with her? And _that's_ a good coping mechanism?"

"Say his name, Jim," McCoy snapped, returning the spotlight to Jim.

"Stop," Jim's eyes pricked again. He swallowed as his fear rose that his best friend had lost his own control. What was happening to them? "Leave me alone, Bones!"

"Fine. Have it your way. You're going to crash into a wall and I won't be there to help you."

"Is that what you've been trying to tell me all this time?" Jim's thoughts tumbled, sending him reeling. Bones would leave him? Their friendship? "You're telling me that...that..."

"You won't let me help you, dammit! So why should I even try?"

"Bones," Jim's voice cracked in desperation. "You can't mean...that..that our friendship has reached its end? Is that what this is? Bones? Do you want it to?"

"I'm telling you to get the hell out of my sickbay before I lose my ever lovin' mind trying to get you to see straight!" McCoy's thunderous voice was as threatening as anything Jim had ever heard. It cracked his soul, it choked the breath from him, it did everything possible to hurt him as it went straight for his most vulnerable place.

His heart shattered as it hit the floor.

They stared at each other for a moment, the silence widening the chasm between them. Bones' chest heaved and his eyes widened in shock. He appeared to be just as stunned. Painful, betraying tears threatened to spill from Jim's eyes. He swallowed, wanting nothing but his friend back. But what he saw and what he heard told him it wasn't possible.

"I see," Jim spoke, his voice thick with emotion. "If that's the case, for the time being it is my desire that Dr. M'Benga see to all of my medical needs. I understand now that our relationship will affect your ability to work and as captain I must amend the situation. You are no longer my attending physician."

"Jim, no." McCoy's face paled.

He didn't understand it. Any of it. Bones never yelled at him before about his past. They had always worked through it. Even this time, Jim had been sure he could work through it, but alone. Especially now that he knew Bones couldn't...couldn't deal with _him_. It was better this way - better for Bones. He turned on his heel. He grabbed the wall after one step, unable to match his breaths with his erratic, racing beats of his fractured, irreparable heart.

"I didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean any of this?" Jim took a deep breath and tossed the words over his shoulder. One foot in front of the other, he willed himself to move. "It's a little too late for that, now, isn't it?"

"Jim, wait..."

Jim paused, barely turning his head to reply as the doors slid open. He'd thrown hurtful words behind him but a lonely future loomed ahead. Jim wanted no part of it but he had no choice. He couldn't comprehend losing Bones and he couldn't imagine any way to fix this. The only way he could even attempt to survive losing Bones was to put up as thick of a wall as he could on his own selfish terms.

"Dr. McCoy, you will address me with such familiarity no longer, but as Captain."


	10. Chapter 10

Jim lurched his way through the Enterprise's corridors, ignoring the concerned looks of passing crewmen. Each step taunted him with resounding echoes.

_Bones had left him._

Reaching the safety of his quarters, he blindly stumbled through the entrance and drank in the safety of his isolation. Attempting to ignore the tears that threatened, he stuffed memories of his friendship down, locking away as much as he could. Jim couldn't recall the origins of the tension that now flourished between himself and Bones, but whenever it began and whatever caused it, that friendship was now in shambles.

He knew that it was most likely his fault. Deep down he was always afraid the day would come when his past would collide with his present, resulting in destruction. He even wanted all of this to be his fault, because it was easier that way. Bones was good, despite the tendency to break out the alcohol as Jim accused.

As the tears he had been holding back began to leak from his eyes, he turned on that thought. He wiped his eyes. _No_. He was captain of the Enterprise and in control of the situation. It had been McCoy's mistake that lead to his doubt and poor decisions on Re'an V. The doctor had set him up for failure and quite possibly caused the catastrophe mascarading as a rescue mission on the planet.

Willingly choosing anger to replace his sorrow, Jim numbed his feelings and plodded to his bedroom. He eschewed the lights, knowing too well how atrocious he likely appeared with his unshaven face and two day old command shirt. Tossing the filthy shirt into the recycling chute, he tried to ready himself to resume command of his vessel. If he did this right, no one would suspect that his world had just fallen apart.

Shaving with minimal light, he managed to finish cleaning up without looking himself in the eyes. Feeling utterly and completely alone in the universe, he hunched over on the edge of his bed. _Bones was gone. _How could he go on without his best friend supporting him?

The minutes ticked by as he stared at the floor, waiting for something, anything to fill his darkened, empty places. Finally, he reached over to comm the bridge but stopped himself at the last moment. Better to use his numbness to carry him through his duties. His weakened mental state would likely collapse if he addressed Spock from the confines of his quarters. Jim walked to his desk and set up the PADD. Locating the fallen crewmembers' files, he pulled himself together for the umpteenth time and prepared to do what he must despite the fresh pain in his now hollow heart.

Though he no how idea how he would get through even the next minutes, he resolved that somehow, he would mask his devastation and push through this loss the way he had pushed through every loss in his short life. If he had to resort to tactics that kept him alive on Tarsus all those years ago, he would. He could give a cold shoulder like no one else. He could behave quite amiably around his fiercest enemies if it served his own purposes. Surely he could do this around Bones, for Bones had made it loud and clear he'd washed his hands of his captain.

Jim clenched his jaw. He was Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise and nothing - not even the loss of his best friend - would get in the way of him performing his duties as he well should. He would prove to Bones that he was wrong and that Jim, as always, was in control.

* * *

A dazed McCoy stood alone, staring at the door as if he could will Jim back with sheer thought. What had he been thinking, arguing with Jim in sickbay? They could easily have been overheard, even here in the contained area with the bodies of the dead crewmen. His stomach contents threatening to spill over, McCoy covered his mouth and rushed to the connecting room holding overflow supplies and a much-needed sink. No only had he fought with his best friend in public, but he'd fought with him immediately after Jim solemnly stood in remembrance of these three fallen crewmembers. He had picked a fight knowing exactly how distraught and emotionally compromised Jim was at that moment.

McCoy made it to the sink just in time. He groaned, the nausea growing as the ramifications of what he said to Jim became clearer. He kicked _the captain out_ after denouncing their friendship and refusing to help him. He had abandoned Jim just as so many others had done before him. McCoy deserved to be hauled off to the brig for that. He knew that Jim was on a path to self-destruction and had hoped that Jim knew it too and knew they needed each other, but his words had backfired. Jim should never forgive him for how he'd raged. McCoy had sunk lower than he'd ever imagined he could. He knew the second the words flew from his mouth that he'd gone too far.

"Dammit," he growled, punching the wall with a fist and welcoming the pain.

McCoy had feared it would take more than mere talk to break Jim's defenses, but hoped to avoid a total breakdown. Now he saw that his efforts had weakened Jim's already tenuous self-control and worse, had broken their bond of trust irrevocably. Though there was precious little he could now do, he could at least follow standard procedure and inform M'Benga. Hopefully Jim would listen to his new attending physician.

He braced his trembling arms against the counter. McCoy didn't have Joanna, except for the rare, precious appointments each week when they connected through the video feed. Jo, at eight years old, was growing - way too fast. He loved every minute he had with her but Jocelyn was pushing for more and fighting dirty using things of McCoy's own past to get it. If she won sole custody, McCoy would be left with only one visit or talk with Jo annually.

If he lost Jim, too...

McCoy gasped, fighting against the rising sob in his throat. It wasn't 'if." It was.

"Leonard?"

He startled. After a deep breath, McCoy roughly cleared his throat, not bothering to look back at Nurse Chapel. "Christine, where's Dr. M'Benga?"

"Leonard..."

He turned around then at her anguished whisper. Her face was pinched, white as a sheet. McCoy groaned, realizing by her expression that she'd heard every word.

"I was here the entire time, Leonard, searching the supply closet," Christine immediately apologized. "I couldn't leave without interrupting and it escalated so quickly...so I stayed."

"You will keep all this to yourself, Chris," he frowned, kneading at his forehead and a brutal headache developing faster than ever.

"I will." Christine handed him a cup of water and two pills. "I figured you might need this."

"Thank you." McCoy said, not sure how Christine knew he would be slammed with a headache.

"You went too far."

Too far? "I pushed Jim off of a damn cliff without a chute and then promised not to catch him," he growled. "Who does that?"

"A friend who cares deeply."

"I don't know what to do, Christine," he said morosely, shocked when a tear slipped from the corner of her eye.

"You don't?" Christine's eyes filled with even greater compassion. "Well, to begin with, you could apologize for going too far and hitting him when he's down. You've been through too much with Jim to give up and toss it away so easily."

"I don't think that is going to help."

"It's a start, Leonard. He's not only your captain, he's your best friend."

"It's more than a misunderstanding, Christine."

"I can tell even if I don't know the details. Leonard, everyone knows there is something going on. The captain's tried to hide it, but he's let on more than he realizes. I know you want to help him, but as you accuse Jim, I think you've lost a bit of yourself, too. Instead of attacking Jim, consider why you're doing this to him and what you want to accomplish. Every time you start to get near to him you pull back as if you're reacting to something hot. Even your medical training fails you around him. There has to be a reason. What's going on with you, Len?"

As Christine gently spoke, McCoy discovered she'd laid before him a clearer picture of himself.

"It's Joanna," he hoarsely whispered. "Jocelyn wants Jo. Completely...almost taking me out of the picture. I'm losing her and if I lose Jim, too...I can't watch him spiral out of control. I tried to stop it by doing the best thing I knew to do. I don't know what I was thinking, Chris. I don't know if I can explain any of this at the moment. Maybe...maybe I thought I could help him see it for himself before it was too late. But now...my actions only provoked him. It's too late, Chris. Too late."

"I'm so sorry," Christine exhaled a soft sigh. "And I'm sorry for the captain."

"He was a kid. A damn kid who saw more and endured more than anyone should," McCoy muttered to himself. "In a way, he's still that kid."

"He needs help."

"I screwed up," McCoy shook his head. "He won't accept it from me."

"Although I think your instincts are correct and that he needs to admit there's a problem for himself, your approach simply put him on the defensive," Christine said, her wisdom causing McCoy to frown as he considered the truth in her words. "And after hearing all this, combined with what I've observed in sickbay, he needs all the guidance, help, and aid he can find to get through this. I'm not altogether certain that the help _should_ come from you. You're too close to the situation, Leonard. For his safety, you have to do the right thing, even if it will be difficult for you."

"It won't just be difficult for me," McCoy muttered. "Chris, where did you say M'Benga was?"

"I didn't." Christine narrowed her eyes.

"How am I going to explain this to M'Benga?" McCoy groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Spock. Spock's going to kill me."

An image flashed through his mind of the Vulcan tearing through corridors to sickbay, intent on rectifying the problem. Fortunately, logic was on his side this time, as the Enterprise needed a CMO, or Spock would very possibly consider ripping McCoy's head off of his shoulders if he learned the truth. In all honesty, McCoy realized that his clumsy handling of the captain's adverse reaction to the vaccine exacerbated Jim's condition and invoked a shameful and devastating domino effect. Spock only postponed his initial request to speak with the two of them because of the incident on Re'an - and Jim's obvious need for rest.

"Let Jim tell-"

McCoy snorted. "Jim won't tell Spock that I'm no longer his attending physician. I'm not altogether certain he'll log the change immediately, either. He'll wait for the first crisis to arise, which will be a complete disaster." More importantly, Jim was in no condition to command a ship right now. At the very least Jim required sufficient rest and some time to adjust to this new relationship of theirs. McCoy had no doubt Jim would fight with everything he had to remain in control.

"That can't happen. M'Benga is in surgery." Christine stated simply. "Should I assume the captain missed lunch?"

"M'Benga is in surgery?" To McCoy's knowledge, he himself was scheduled to perform the surgery.

Christine sniffed. "Due to a last moment change in schedule he is. Fortunately, you are available to remind the captain that he needs to eat. And that now makes more sense in my mind than any excuse you've previously given me for his forgetfulness."

McCoy raised a brow, a bit surprised at her suggestion to disregard regulation. "Christine, your suggestion is..."

"Necessary." Christine set her jaw.

McCoy was going to go with devious. His nurse was altogether too smart.

* * *

When the captain was exactly one minute late for his shift, Spock commed Dr. McCoy. Perhaps the captain was delayed paying his respects to the three ensigns who had perished on the planet below them. The captain had left sickbay and Spock deduced from the doctor's gruff tone that something else had occurred since he last saw the two men. At that time Spock refrained from leaving his station, not wanting to misjudge the situation or miss Jim if he happened to appear on the bridge while Spock was searching for him.

Vulcans do not fidget and they do not worry, so Spock was doing neither as his fingers drummed against the arm of the command chair and watched the chronometer creep ahead. When he observed that the captain was precisely thirty-six point five minutes late he determined that he had waited long enough.

Jim didn't answer the comm in his quarters or anywhere at all. The computer could not detect his location indicating that Jim purposefully sabotaged the system, possibly because he didn't want to be discovered. Indeed, something was amiss.

"Nyota," Spock swiveled in his chair to speak to his wife but was interrupted by an incoming communication.

She took it and raised an eyebrow in question at Spock. "Sir, it's the Re'an, asking for the captain."

"On screen." Spock said, already rising when he heard the swish of the turbolift doors opening. He glanced up at his captain, momentarily taken aback by the expression on Jim's face. Frigid and steely, poised for a fight and certainly not prepped to speak with a normally friendly people. A foreboding sense stole over Spock. It was not what he anticipated or desired to see from Jim, for he had hoped against his own logic that he was wrong. However, the captain's appearance did inform him that Jim's late arrival was caused by the very reasons Spock had calculated.

"Do you wish for me to speak on your behalf, Captain?"

"No." Jim said shortly, finding his seat and smoothing his features just as Prince Lequa appeared on the screen. "Prince Lequa, to what do we owe this honor?"

"Captain Kirk." With the poise Spock had come to expect from Lequa no matter the situation, the prince smiled. "I am pleased to see that you are well."

"Thank you," Jim's smile didn't reach his eyes and his fingers gripped the arms of the chairs. As Jim replied, Spock surmised the captain's guilt replayed in his mind for the five crewmembers were not well but now dead. "How are your children faring?"

"They are well and wish to thank you and your crewmembers. We all do."

"We need no thanks." Jim shook his head.

"You have sacrificed greatly on our behalf. Extending our gratitude is the least we can do. Please allow us at least this to honor those who died to rescue my children."

"Of course." Jim's knuckles whitened, his distress obviously heightening. His words were too quick and clipped to be completely genuine. Spock drew closer to his captain with a single smooth step. "We are happy that your family is safe. The crew members who perished will be remembered with honor."

"We would like to show you our gratitude with a special gift, here in our home. One I am most certain that you, Young Kirk, will appreciate." The prince hesitated. "I realize you may not feel completely comfortable given recent events but please let me reassure you, all is well."

"I have no qualms, I assure you." Jim nodded once.

"Wonderful. Shall we expect you soon?"

"Certainly. I will assemble a team to accompany me."

"Ah, please do include your doctor. We would like to thank him as well for his attentions to our people as they recovered."

"As you wish." Jim's smile grew too large. "Until then."

The communication was cut and silence hit the room as the crew awaited orders. Jim sat still and seemingly encumbered by his own thoughts.

"Captain, I am amenable to accompanying you in addition to Dr. McCoy," Spock nudged him softly with his words. Jim blinked and shook his head as if to clear his mind.

"What? Oh...yes. Mr. Spock, yes, as well as Lieutenant Uhura. I also require a security team of five. And..." Jim glanced over at Sulu. Spock raised an eyebrow at the request for five security officers. Spock reasoned that Jim must feel some degree of unease about returning to the planet. "Lieutenant Sulu."

"Yes, Sir," Sulu replied.

"Meet me in the ready room in thirty minutes."

"Aye, sir."

"Great." Jim slapped his thigh and stood. "Now, I have-"

"To eat."

At McCoy's voice, Jim's expression shifted. His face, now completely void of emotion, placed Spock in a quandary. His foremost desire was to repair the fractured relationship he assumed persisted between the captain and Dr. McCoy. Knowing Jim, this would take time and whatever insight he had into the man called James Tiberious Kirk. Spock had both, but was unsure if inserting himself between the two men would cause their already precarious relationship to deteriorate. For the sake of his captain and the captain's command, he resolved to act despite any possible negative consequences.

"Dr. McCoy, I believe I left you explicit instructions. That is no longer your concern."

"Dr. M'Benga is otherwise occupied with an emergency surgery. He sent me with the reminder and..." McCoy thrust an energy bar at Jim. "This. Now that I have done what he has requested, I bid you good day...Captain."

McCoy nodded to Spock and headed towards the lift.

"Captain?" Spock repeated, lifting an eyebrow at Jim. The nod had been most unnatural coming from the doctor and pointed towards a singular, startling conclusion - McCoy was no longer the captain's attending physician. Spock opened his mouth to speak again, the weight of the situation multiplying quickly and just as swiftly causing dread to swirl in the pit of his stomach. "Captain, may I speak with you in the ready room?"

"Not now, Mr. Spock." Jim's face hardened. "Dr. McCoy."

Jim's sharp command stopped the doctor in his tracks. While Spock could not read anything in Jim's eyes other than unyielding control, Spock glimpsed a myriad of emotions - regret, worry, and grief - in McCoy's.

Logic delayed his previous attempt to approach the captain. The human part of him now forced its way to the forefront, its predominance urging him to no longer wait.

In a desperate, uncharacteristic move, Spock clutched Jim's arm. "I insist, Captain. The ready room."

"Fine," Jim forced through clenched teeth. Jim's arm oozed of tension and tumultuous memories beneath Spock's touch and in that instant, Spock sensed enough to immediately decide upon his course of action. Jim indicated his head at McCoy. "Dr. McCoy, report to the conference room in half an hour for a short debriefing. We are returning to the home of the Re'an at the request of Prince Lequa so they may extend their gratitude towards us."

Jim paused and arched an eyebrow when McCoy gave a slight but audible sigh.

"Dammit," the doctor muttered under his breath.

"Do you have a problem with my orders, doctor?"

"No, Ji-..." McCoy scowled. Spock held his breath as he witnessed the precise effort Jim expended to remove every trace of emotion from his being. "Sir."

"I assume...I..." Jim rubbed his jaw and nervously cleared his throat, both of which, Spock deduced, were caused by McCoy's halting use of the captain's first name. Spock couldn't help but give the barest of frowns. "I assume...you will be up for the trip."

"Yes, Captain."

"Very well."

McCoy stepped towards the lift.

"Oh, and Dr. McCoy?" Jim's voice filled with a frightening brightness which differed far too much from his previous demeanor. A chill coursed down Spock's spine, but more so from the wild, tumbling nature of Jim's thoughts. They hinted of cruelty and abandonment, of Jim's desperation in another time and place - but penetrating them was impossible. They were opaque to Spock, his intrusion blocked by something he could neither explain nor fathom.

McCoy halted mid-stride. "Yes, Captain."

"Spock. Let. Go. Of. My. Arm." Jim stretched each and every word, glaring in irritation as he jerked his arm away from Spock's grasp. Spock only released his hold on Jim for the sake of controlling his own burgeoning emotions. McCoy's shoulders folded forward in an unprecedented meek stance, his eyes just as humble as he awaited the captain striding towards him.

"Regarding your visible disdain for my orders and for the planet we are to visit. Consider this your first warning," Jim said softly, face now mere centimeters away from McCoy's. He was obviously speaking only to the doctor but Spock picked up every word and each nuance of the captain's expression. The iciness in Jim's eyes was too frigid and unnatural to be anything else but a defensive mechanism, but the sardonic smile on the captain's face was that of a complete stranger. "_Doctor_."

Jim turned away. The slap in the face that didn't occur echoed in Spock's ears.

His friends were broken. Jim..._Jim was broken. _

A swish of the doors behind the departing doctor interrupted Spock's brief reverie. He had to do now what would prevent Jim from further harm. "I will have that word with you now, Captain."

Jim stiffened and paused in front of his chair. "Spock, are you aware that we lea-"

"I insist." Spock nodded his head in the direction of the ready room.

Jim gave a curt nod. Thirty four seconds later the two stood alone in the ready room. Jim crossed his arms and faced his First Officer, tension evident in the tautness of every muscle.

Spock stepped towards the nearest chair and indicated the next one with his hand. "Please, sit down."

"I prefer to stand, thank you."

"Jim, please sit."

"I said that I prefer to stand, Commander." Jim's face revealed nothing, a mask of control, feigned though it was. "Of what do you wish to speak with me?"

Jim turned to face the wall with his face now partially concealed from view. The captain rubbed his jaw. After a few seconds Jim's hand stilled, his profile now frozen and belying all that raged within him. He held that posture as Spock deliberately allowed the silence to stretch.

Finally, Spock chose to reply.

"Jim, as your first officer, I must inform you that you are emotionally compromised. Sir, under Star Fleet regulations I hereby relieve you of your command."

* * *

_A/N: Posting a little earlier than usual...there's been a death in the family and the weekend will be a little hectic. Perhaps I should've added an "angst warning" this past chapter. And "it's all downhill from here" warning, as well. Though, the angst will not always be of the emotional kind, poor Jim. And, as you can see, we are certainly not finished with the planet, either. Not by a long shot, which irritates McCoy greatly, in particular. Thank you for those amazing comments/reviews last chapter. I loved reading them! They are very inspiring! To guest reviewer Jenlyn- I am so sorry to hear about you and your friend. I hope that your heart heals. And DLB48, you deserve kudos for all your terrific beta reading. It makes such a difference for me as a writer to have your assistance! :-)_


	11. Chapter 11

Jim's eyes fluttered shut as Spock closed the door on his command. He cursed under his breath and hit his head against the wall with a dull thud.

"While it is not my intent to cause you further distress, Jim, I would be remiss in my duties if I permitted you to continue to command under these circumstances," Spock said softly.

Jim nodded absently and pressed his forehead against the wall. The Vulcan surely did not lie but it _did_ hurt Jim. Just when he was beginning to think he could do this, Spock sent a shot directly into the already broken pieces of his heart, inflicting another aching wound. What McCoy had started, Spock was finishing, stripping Jim of what he held dear. Jim braced himself, hand up against the wall and against the pain of losing his command. He placed his other hand there as well and unwittingly assumed the posture of surrender. Feeling faint and numb to the core, he gave up, stumbling over to the chair and collapsing into it.

"I have observed that you and Dr. McCoy have become...estranged from one another. Your command decisions and behavior have become erratic and have been noted by members of the crew. I believe that your relationship with Dr. McCoy is instrumental to your health and ability to command this vessel. You must take appropriate action to repair your relationship before resuming your duties. Your attending physician must attest to this."

Jim sunk into his hand shielding his face, as if that lessened the blow. He hoped Spock would understand that although he may not be captain of the Enterprise, he could not be sidelined once more. "I must accompany the away team to Re'an, Spock. Captain or not."

"Jim, you are still my captain, only temporarily relieved of command." Spock paused. "Your presence on the away team will be at my discretion. Since Dr. McCoy will also be included on the team, my first condition is that you demonstrate that you and the doctor are able to be in close proximity without resorting to hostilities."

Jim rubbed his jaw, chuckling ruefully. "Close proximity. That's...ironic," he muttered. "Why don't you ask him that."

"I do not understand. You suggest that he does not wish to be in your presence."

Jim crossed his arms, silent.

"I am aware that being in each other's presence is often necessary for humans to maintain a healthy relationship with one another. Could this idea not carry over as a beginning to repairing your fractured friendship with Dr. McCoy?"

"There has to be a friendship in the first place," Jim mumbled.

Jim swore he heard the Vulcan's spine crack as it stiffened even more. "Have you and the doctor more than argued?"

Spock's words became laborious to discern as Bones' shouts for him to leave his sickbay buzzed at the forefront. Argued? It had been much more than that and Jim did not wish to discuss any of it.

"I will debrief the doctor on my actions and hear from him before making a final decision. Circumstances will delay our departure until tomorrow evening planet time. I will inform Prince Lequa that shipboard events necessitate this. There will be a mission debriefing tomorrow at 1500 hours at which time I will determine whether you will be included on the away team."

Jim duly nodded.

"Jim, you must understand." Spock's voice warmed but Jim could not look at him still. "I would be able to assist you, but only if you would allow me to do so."

Jim finally turned his head and stared at the one person who seemed to be looking out for him.

Then, for the second time in a ship's day, Jim Kirk found his way through his beloved ship's corridors to the safe haven of his quarters. Finding himself alone once more, he crowded himself back into a corner of his bedroom on the floor and began to sob as he had not done since he was a child in Iowa. Now, as then, no one came to offer comfort.

* * *

His guests seated with drinks in hand, McCoy eased into the empty spot on his couch with a sigh. It'd been a long day. He sipped from his glass, rethinking that. Long didn't describe it.

It'd been the second worst day of his life. And, coincidentally, both the first and second worst days of his life centered around Jim.

"Dr. McCoy, your glass is filled with drinking water." Spock's gaze probed.

Refusing to squirm, McCoy lifted his chin along with his glass. "Cheers."

The Vulcan continued to stare. McCoy glanced at Uhura beside him. She merely arched an eyebrow.

"If I'm going to help Jimmy, attending physician or not, I need to be thinking straighter than I have been."

Spock frowned. "Dr. McCoy, you infer that you have been drinking in excess."

"Yeah," McCoy gruffed. "When it was acceptable, off duty and all of that, perhaps a little too much."

Spock's frown deepened.

"It took Jim, of all people today - and during our argument, no less- to point that out." McCoy joined in the frowning fest. How the hell had Jim figured him out and what was keeping McCoy going in spite of his own mountain of problems?

"I'm sorry, Leonard," Uhura said quietly. "What is going on with you?"

"Chris asked me the same thing today." McCoy sighed. "I don't know if I can answer that again."

"You don't have to." Uhura's eyes softened. "But I'm guessing it's Jim but also something else that has to do with an adorable, vibrant little girl."

McCoy gulped back the rest of the water in his glass. Uhura, like Jim, knew what buttons to push although her approach was a hell of a lot gentler. He wouldn't divulge any of the argument he had with Jim but he could mention Jo.

"The ex wants her." He couldn't even say the witch's name anymore. He scowled at them both. "She also wants to strip all of my rights away, and she's winning, thanks to a few things in my past that she has twisted to use for her own benefit."

"I assume that you never informed Jim of your situation?" Spock's eyebrows practically knit together as he waited for McCoy's reply.

"No," McCoy shook his head. "I couldn't put that on him, not with him barely holding on. He would want to fix it, do everything he could in his power but I couldn't allow him to do that. He has needed every ounce of concentration to run this ship, ever since..."

Ever since the signs began that Tarsus returned to haunt his best friend, and McCoy knew it would be either a spiral down in the blink of the eye or the longest fix of denial Jim ever had. He scowled down at his empty glass. Strangely enough, the water worked just as well as the booze to loosen his tongue.

"Today, I said some things I didn't mean to say to Jimmy. I hurt my best friend about as deeply as I could, and then some."

The admittance was freeing. He welcomed the slowly rising anger in Spock's eyes and the slight horror in Uhura's that was directed at him. He wanted Jim's anger, but Jim was refusing anyone's comms but Spock's and according to Spock, Jim had spoken very little. Jim was alone, and it was the worst possible time for him to keep himself in solitary confinement in his quarters.

"He believes your friendship to be over."

"Yeah," McCoy groaned, rubbing his face. "I imagine he does, and the mistake is on me." It was a growing list.

"I do not believe you intended to sever what both of you hold so dear," Spock said.

"No, I didn't." McCoy's throat swelled. He barely kept his tears at bay. He couldn't imagine how much work he'd have to do to repair the damage he'd done with Jim.

Uhura furrowed her brow. "Leonard, is there anything we can do to help? With Jo?"

"Give them back to me," McCoy said roughly, not really expecting them to be able to do so. "Get both of them back."

* * *

Aleyah's slight limp did nothing to slow her down and she easily caught up to Nyota as the two headed for the mission debriefing the next day. Cocking her head, the Orion quipped, "Lieutenant, I am so delighted we are both returning to Re'an. Is the captain...I mean, Kirk, coming today? We both know how passionate he has been about our research. I assume he convinced Acting Captain Spock to include him for diplomatic purposes."

Nyota caught herself before sighing in irritation. Leave it to Aleyah to fish for information and discuss James Kirk all in the same breath.

"I am sure that Mr. Spock will include all necessary information in the upcoming debriefing." Nyota murmured right before the doors slid open.

Aleyah glanced sideways at her, her smile drawing in a familiar smirk. "He is. I see it in your eyes. I'm glad."

The xenozoologist tossed her head and slipped ahead of Nyota who grimaced. _That woman._ Entering the room both women immediately fixated upon the forlorn figure of Kirk, slumped in his seat across from Spock at the table. Nyota's heart twisted as she realized how difficult the next thirty minutes would be for him. The lost, strained look on his face spoke volumes about the depth of despair he must be feeling. It was a cliche, but McCoy, too had the appearance of a lost soul. To lose a friendship that deep must be agonizing.

Before Nyota could stop her, Aleyah approached the captain like a cat, oblivious to the taut expression on Kirk's face. The woman slid into the seat beside him and greeted him in her honey-smooth voice. Her appearance shattered Kirk's stony silence but after giving her a curt reply he slid a mask into place.

Nyota took the other side of Jim. "Good afternoon, sir."

Kirk stiffened. "Lieutenant."

Using the momentum from sitting, she nestled into her seat and nudged the chair closer to Kirk in an obvious show of support. As she did this, Kirk's face turned ashen and his eyes darted wildly. Arching her back, Nyota turned her head and noticed that McCoy had just entered. Ignoring Star Fleet codes of conduct, she instinctively reached towards Kirk under the table and gave his clammy hand a quick squeeze. He choked down a hasty breath and unclenched his fists. With a short nod of his head as she pulled her hand away he signaled that he had himself under control. The quiet thanks from his flickering eyes settled her unease a smidgen and she turned her attention to Acting Captain Spock and the commencing meeting.

* * *

Jim breathed a sigh of relief once the meeting was adjourned and stood from his chair after the others filed out.

He only wanted to get through the rest of the day with as little speaking as possible, as he had managed during the debriefing. Without Bones, without his ship, his heart wasn't into anything, let alone speaking except for when it was necessary. He wasn't oblivious to the dip in crew morale, but he couldn't find it within himself to say anything to fix it. He was captain no longer, anyway. Jim's control remained only because he told himself he didn't care and did what he could to keep silent.

When he heard the steps of McCoy lagging right behind Jim as they walked to the transporter room, a move he did not see as accidental, emotion pricked his eyes once again. He would have better control if he lashed out in anger at Bones, stirring a rivulet of rage instead of silently enduring the festering hurt. _If only Bones had not approached him on the bridge so soon..._

At least Spock and M'Benga had approved his presence on the away team. McCoy had washed his hands of Jim, the doctor had made that crystal clear. In turn, the fact that Jim was required to promptly return to sickbay was none of McCoy's business. Nor was the state of his health from here on out. Jim quickened his stride and in his mind, he left the doctor in the dust. He made the beaming platform along with Uhura.

"It'll be alright," she murmured, her shoulder brushing against his arm as she stepped beside him. "Captain."

Spoken for his benefit only, the endearment caught him by surprise. He swallowed, not trusting himself to look in her eyes. If anyone could make him talk it might just be her. Before his molecules separated, the realization dawned why Spock had asked Uhura to remain with Jim while on planet in the first place.

Deep in thought, Jim almost missed the greeting from Prince Lequa once they beamed down. Jim kicked himself. The Re'an could not suspect Jim was not currently in command of his ship and being a distracted captain would only confuse the situation. During the debriefing, Acting Captain Spock emphasized the fascination the Re'an had with Jim. To alter their perception was not logical - it would be detrimental to the peacefulness between the two species.

"We are honored to be here once again, Prince Lequa," Jim bowed his head.

"I am the one who is honored, for your actions saved my children. My people are exceedingly grateful that you apprehended those who endangered us all." The prince gestured with a broad sweep of his hands behind him. "Come. We have prepared another banquet for you and my children are delighted to greet their guests. But, first, a tour of what is being rebuilt after the unfortunate fire destroyed sections of our gardens."

Leading the way, Spock walked beside Lequa through the stone-lined corridor. Jim lingered back slightly, admiring again the impressive columns. The doorways were almost too numerous to count, but for Jim remembering the layout was easy. During the precious few hours he'd slept, he dreamt of this very part of the palace and the creatures' murmuring.

"Is the rehabilitation of your criminals progressing as expected, Prince Lequa?" Spock questioned.

"It is, Commander Spock. They have all begun the six-month term..."

As Lequa's response continued, a lump grew in Jim's throat. They neared the very location that had been nearly destroyed by fire. Jim strained to hear the creatures in their enclosed sanctuary as they began to pass it. He was certain the Re'an would bring the snakes out during the banquet and afterwards, but to see them, wild and free...

"Captain." A hand touched his forearm.

He blinked at Uhura. She indicated her head at the group ahead of them striding towards the garden. When had he stopped walking with them? For that matter, how had he found himself inches away from the vined doors of the creatures' sanctuary? He couldn't make mistakes like this. If McCoy had noticed anything peculiar, he'd pull rank and beam Jim back to the Enterprise in a heartbeat. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Do you need Dr. McCoy's assistance, sir?" Uhura murmured.

Jim gritted his teeth as his composure cracked far too easily, just as it had done so many times these past weeks. It was all he could do not to express his irritation at someone, and Uhura was not at all deserving of it. "No."

He shouldn't have been surprised at her clipped nod. Had they not been on duty, Jim would have half-expected her to call him on his bull.

"I'm fine," he said with more confidence than he had. "I suppose we should catch up."

"Would you like to see?"

Jim and Uhura both swung around. Prince's Lequa's wife, Eoksa, beamed at them from behind, her peach eyes drawing Jim to her vibrant personality as she lead a small procession of guards, attendants, and children towards them. Jim and Uhura both bowed their heads in the Re'an usual greeting.

"It is a sacred room," Princess Eoksa announced.

"The prince has informed us of that, as well." Jim agreed, ignoring Uhura's slightly confused look.

"Would you like to sneak a peek?" The princess cocked her head and motioned behind her. Four guards moved swiftly to the doors before Jim replied. As they left their places, others moved to fill their places but not before a petite Re'an being behind them caught Jim's attention.

Jim froze, identifying her as the female warrior who taken part in the kidnapping of Lequa's children. In a blink of an eye she vanished. Jim scanned the attendants and guards of the princess. Where did she go? He'd seen her, but he shouldn't have. She had been sent to a rehabilitation facility on the other side of the planet - and would be there with the other renegade Re'an beings for their required term. _It just wasn't possible._

"Here on Re'an V, we encourage inquisitiveness. Take for instance, the snake you held, Captain Kirk."

Jim's attention snapped back to the princess at the mention of her son's creature.

"Yes, the snake. It was truly magnificent." Jim bit his tongue to keep himself from boldly requesting to view the creature.

Eoksa nodded knowingly at Jim. "I see you were taken with it as much as it was taken with you. I know my son would like to show it to you later. You, also, Lieutenant, if you'd like. After the banquet, of course. Would that suit you, Captain?"

Jim couldn't deny her genuine words nor the utter curiosity he had that would not be sated until he saw at least one of those creatures. Bones' absence took almost everything from Jim, and Spock wrenched away from Jim what had been left. He felt both his face heat and his heart fill a little with her gracious offer.

"Yes, it would," he managed.

"But for now, I don't think my husband would mind our guards opening these doors for you. After all," she paused and bowed her head low towards him. "We are greatly indebted to you and your crew."

She rose and motioned to the guards. Jim's curiosity swelled as wide as the opening doors, swiftly becoming an aching desire to see the snakes.

"This room has been vacant for many months, but yesterday we established a small shrine for our religious purposes. It is arguably the most impressive areas in the palace, beginning with its doors. It's no wonder you were sidetracked, Young Kirk. I'm humbled it drew your attention."

Jim frowned. Vacant? For months? He looked at Eoksa, keen disappointment mixed with confusion. As their gazes met, her eyes flared, illuminating until its intensity pierced Jim's own eyes and he was forced to look away. Jim furrowed his brow and glanced back towards the widening doors. Not a single cry slipped from the room. Questioning himself in earnest, he begun to wonder if he had actually seen the warrior woman. He knew he was losing his grasp on reality due to the intrustion of his Tarsus memories, but if this continued and worsened someone would notice. Then he'd be forced to inform Bones...no...M'Benga now.

_No_. Jim shook the doubt away. _He couldn't doubt himself. He'd heard the creatures in this very place. He-_

The guards stepped aside. Jim stared in disbelief, too shocked to enter with Uhura.

Jim broke out into a cold sweat. It could not be the same room. This was stark white, uninhabited, spotless, and almost empty, save the small shrine along one wall. But Lequa explained to him everything regarding this room. It held the snakes, the birds...the...

_But they weren't there and no trace of them remained._

"Princess Eoksa, this room has been completely vacant...until yesterday?" Jim swallowed uncomfortably.

"Oh, yes, Young Kirk. Completely stripped and empty, waiting for us to conform it to our present purposes." Her voice dashed him like a bucket of cold water.

_This can't be. _Jim stepped forward. Desperate to be right, he reached in his memory for every detail of his conversation with the prince. _Lequa had told them all, hadn't he? The door...there had to be at least another door..._

Jim's gaze trailed the entire length of the room- but he found nothing resembling another exit leading to the Re'an garden. In fact, there were no other doors except for the one Jim and Uhura had just walked through.

The truth sunk in and panic latched its cruel hands around Jim. That conversation had occurred between two, no more. No one else had been informed of this room.

Absolutely no one...but Jim.

* * *

A/N: To those who review- thanks so, so much! Those reviews are great inspiration! DLB48, you are truly a wonderful beta! Thank you!

I know this chapter probably didn't clear things up any...hehe...Some more angst coming soon, though, in a big way! Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	12. Chapter 12

A guttural groan rose from the back of Jim's throat as he compared the empty room to the vibrant one he had expected. What was he doing on the planet in this condition? Bones was right; he belonged in sickbay where he would not endanger his crew. Despite that being the logical thing to do, his gut instinct said to ignore rational thought and remain here. But wasn't that one of the reasons why Bones had yelled at him in the first place? Not choosing to run with his instincts? Faced with indecision, he bit the inside of his cheek, the drawing of blood strangely grounding.

"Are you alright, Captain Kirk? Do you need anything?" Princess Eoksa asked. He bent under her imploring eyes, speaking the first thing that came to his mind.

"Dr. McCoy," he whispered. Bones would know how to help him, like always. "I need McCoy."

"Sir?" Nudged by Uhura's sharp breath, Jim's face drained of color. He hunched, wanting to hide his mistake while at the same time fighting for a sense of reality, for a line that wasn't blurred, for a shoulder to lean on...for anything. But the truth hurt. He was more alone than ever.

"Captain, you would like me to get Dr. McCoy?" Uhura hesitated.

"No," he said, unable to disguise his dry rasp. He didn't care to earn a one-way ticket back to the Enterprise. If his crew was in danger on Re'an V, Jim had to find a way to get them to the Enterprise the swiftest but most diplomatic way possible. Without Bones knowing - or Spock. And if Jim's mind had deteriorated as much as he thought it might have, he could not attract more attention to himself. He pulled himself back up. "Lieutenant, I'm fine."

"I'm happy to hear that, Captain Kirk," the princess said sweetly. "I would hate to disappoint my son today. Be aware, he may pester you for a story or two of your recent discoveries."

Out of nowhere she held out to him a young, writhing snake. Still reeling from the mental instability, Jim stared at the snake in wonderment, all the while contemplating that he had something more serious to take care of than continuing to please the Re'an princess.

"Take it, Captain," the princess urged.

He had a few minutes to spare, didn't he? As soon as its crimson, shimmering scales met with his skin, his mind softened, curling all its thoughts around the creature. His shoulders dropped, but not under his previous burden. If anything, his load had lightened. He'd forgotten how good it felt to be relaxed and the moment stretched. He stared, mesmerized with this smaller snake as much as he'd been with the grander creature days ago.

"It's a rups'el," the princess explained. "Similar to your Terran garter snakes but with two extra eyes and the full size much smaller than most adult snakes. And like the other, Young Kirk, it senses strength of spirit."

Jim slowly grinned as he held it in his hands. He didn't care what it was - only that the creature was comfortable enough to touch him. It slithered up his arm, stopping near Jim's shoulder and curling its tail once around his bicep. _Aleyah would appreciate this._ "I assume our xenozoologist has seen this little guy?"

"She has. Lovely, Dr. Jahnas is," Princess Eoksa peered at him. "Perhaps she would like to again, before we eat. To whet your appetite, so to speak."

"Lieutenant." Jim's skin warmed where the creature rested. He kept his eyes on the snake. "Would you please inform Dr. Jahnas that her presence is requested here?"

Uhura was silent, testing him. He stared hard at her, daring her in return to disobey his order in front of Eoksa. "Of course, _Captain_," she finally said.

* * *

It was almost thirty minutes later before Jim managed to simultaneously peel himself from the rups'el and extract both he and Aleyah from the vigilant eyes of Eoksa and her guards. Jim fell in step with Aleyah, carefully calculating his next move.

"Dr. Jahnas, I am going to need your assistance obtaining information from the Enterprise," he muttered in her ear as they approached the banquet hall. He grimaced at her arched eyebrow but continued. "Yes, Acting Captain Spock has severely curtailed my access for the time being. However, I am suspicious of the Re'an's motives for our mission here and need access to some of that information before I bring it to his attention."

"What would I need to do?"

"I need the names of those renegades and in particular, the name and description of the one who is unusually short." Jim frowned, perturbed that he couldn't remember the information he was certain he'd read several days ago. "Also, a description of the full, pieced image on the rocket, if they have it."

She looked sideways at him. "Dr. Marcus already discussed the image with me yesterday and I am more than happy to tell you everything I know. But the details of the renegades have been classified to command staff and I doubt Mr. Scott would tell me anything. He knows the ramifications of doing so."

"Listen, Aleyah, I need you try." Jim forced his face to relax as a pair of Re'an youth walked past them. He gently grasped her arm and pulled her closer. "If he is suspicious, I'll just deal with it later."

If Scotty suspected Jim was behind Aleyah requesting information, the engineer would tell Spock right away. Jim sighed. He had no choice but to turn to Aleyah for help if he wanted to get to the bottom of this before anyone else got hurt. It was a risk, and he had to move fast.

"Why the secrecy?" She looked curiously at him.

"I think...I think there's something unusual going on here. If I'm right, and you know I am, I am the only one who can find out. Until I get proof, Dr. Jahnas, this has to be an unofficial investigation. I can't drag the Enterprise into this until then." He paused, knowing full well that she would not refuse his request.

"I'll do it." Aleyah practically preened as she smiled at him, eyes bright under her long lashes.

"Thank you." He gave her a fluid smile, relieved he had her cooperation. There was more to say but that could come later.

There was a hitch to her step. She careened into his chest, Jim allowing it so she wouldn't fall to the ground. "It's my pleasure."

Jim looked up and his breath caught. Dr. McCoy stood near one of the banquet hall doors, watching them with a scowl.

* * *

After the banquet ended, Spock stood next to his superior officer as they awaited presentation of the gift Lequa had promised them. Logical concern for that officer had been on his mind for the past forty-six minutes ever since he received the equally concerned comm from Mr. Scott and look from Dr. McCoy. Breaking his silence, he quietly observed, "Captain, you appear to be quite anxious."

If speaking to Jim did not alleviate his own anxiety for the captain's health, Spock would order Jim to be directly beamed to the Enterprise.

Jim frowned, swirling the liquid in the glass he held.

"I must inquire as to why."

"Now's not the time, Spock," Jim clenched his jaw and indicated his head to the group of Re'an and Enterprise crew members taking places in various chairs and couches in a corner of the banquet hall. Spock did not miss the way Jim's eyes swept over the thirteen arched entrances into the hall before returning his gaze to Spock.

Spock clasped his hands behind his back. "We are awaiting their presentation, yes, but we are alone. If you do not inform me at this time, I will insist that you return to the Enterprise immediately. I have also been made aware of your attempt to elicit information from Mr. Scott through Dr. Jahnas."

Jim scowled and gulped down the remaining drink. He wiped his mouth, eyes hardening along the edges. The lines on his face deepened as he stared at an empty space in front of him. "Either I'm losing it more than I thought I was or they're lying to us."

"Jim-"

Jim held up a palm. "Don't, Spock. Please. Don't ask me..."

Spock fell silent for a moment, watching Jim as he watched his team with their hosts. "May I inquire why you believe they are lying?"

Jim rubbed his eyes and sighed, and the vague explanation that followed deeply troubled Spock. Learning that Jim was tormented in his mind by a tragedy he refused to name and helpless to control the illusions unsettled Spock. As he weighed the situation in his mind, his own calculations were also disconcerting. It was more likely that Jim had imagined the conversation with Lequa and the creatures in the room than the Re'an had lied.

"You don't believe me." Jim's face fell, shoulders sagging.

An unprecedented sadness swept over Spock. Taken by surprise he swallowed, giving himself time before replying. "I do not wish to hurt you, Jim."

"That's the second time you said that to me in the past twenty-four hours." Jim whispered. "And both times, Spock, it has hurt me."

"It is not safe for you to be here, Jim." Spock could not bear for this to go any further. It was all too clear to him now - he was losing his captain.

Jim spoke with a controlled but vicious edge. "If I'm right, Spock, it's not safe for any of us to be here."

"I will be cautious, taking in consideration what you have told me. In the meantime, I will inform Prince Lequa that your presence is immediately required on the Enterprise." Spock took out his comm.

"No." Jim's eyes widened. "Spock. Please, don't send me back. You don't understand."

Spock observed the distraught man and calculated the odds of Jim refusing his offer at at ninety-nine point three percent. He swiftly reinforced his shields to ward off the emotional backlash and stated slowly, "Jim, there is one way I could quickly ascertain what is real and what is imagined. Do you wish me to meld with you now?"

Mentally stepping back, Spock awaited the expected harsh reaction from his inference that Jim would have to yield information he wished to remain private.

Jim paled and took an unsteady step backwards. "That's not...that's not an option."

"Then you leave me no-"

A woman cried out. Spock jerked his head to the commotion on the other side of the room. All attention focused on the corner where several forms huddled around a woman slumped on the floor. His vision narrowed as he recognized Dr. Jahnas to be the woman who collapsed. She blinked up in confusion at the concerned face of Dr. McCoy crouching over her.

Determined to return his captain back to the Enterprise, Spock jerked his head back around. His chest constricted. The spot where the captain had stood beside him seconds ago was now eerily vacant.

Jim had simply and silently disappeared.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N**: So here we have a big chapter, as far as information, angst, and/or hurt!Jim. I won't say which one because I don't want to spoil it for you. And, really, some more big chapters right after this one as things I've been leading up to for ALL THIS TIME WILL FINALLY HAPPEN! I admit- I'm very nervous about these next chapters and the things I've planned since Day 1. Reviews are so very kind and inspiring. Thanks so much for following and reviewing! Many thanks to DLB48, my wonderful beta reader. I don't know what I'd do without your superb editing skills!

* * *

"It appears, doctor, that our emotionally compromised captain remains quite resourceful. He used the commotion to his advantage and vanished from the area."

McCoy's hand slipped on the tricorder. He jerked his head away from the woman at Spock's terse statement. If that was true, McCoy swore he would strangle Jim. "Like gone and you can't find him? Like, you didn't manage to send him back to the Enterprise where he _should_ be but rather he is galavanting solo around the palace gone? As in not here and tripping over his own two feet exhausted and sick gone?

"Indeed, doctor. I observed him eyeing the various exits as we spoke. After Dr. Jahnas collapsed, I noted his disappearance and searched the hallway but was unable to locate him. Neither did he respond to my comm." Spock's eyes narrowed at McCoy's patient, his tone cool and detached. "This distraction was quite timely, Dr. Jahnas."

Score one for the Vulcan. McCoy scowled at the device in his hand then locked eyes with his "patient" lounging on the chaise.

"There's not a single thing wrong with you, is there?" The tricorder reinforced Spock's statement. Aleyah's innocent act had almost fooled him, and damn if Spock figured it out before he did.

"There isn't, Dr. McCoy?" Her hand lightly massaged her forehead in a circular motion, words dripping too sweetly from her voice.

"You tell me." McCoy gritted his teeth. Involving Dr. Jahnas? Of all the idiotic things Jim could do - again.

"Dr. Jahnas, we will address your involvement in this incident later. I have a matter more pressing which demands my immediate attention." Spock's expression said it all. Dr. Jahnas was not the target of Spock's un-Vulcan-like anger.

"I am saddened for Captain Kirk, seeing how he could not trust either of his best friends," Aleyah looked at her hands, speaking in a low tone.

"We are more concerned for his well-being-"

"And he's acting in the best interest of his crew." She lifted her chin. "We all know that he will go to any length to do what he believes to be right, and he had to bypass the both of you to get-"

"That is enough, Dr. Jahnas," Spock said with a low growl. "You are behaving in an insubordinate manner, and I wish to know why you feigned distress."

"He wanted to conduct a discrete unofficial investigation and asked me to create a diversion after the banquet ended to cover his exit."

Spock's eyes darkened. "I must speak with Prince Lequa. In my brief absence, it would serve you well to inform Dr. McCoy of any other vital information you have concerning Captain Kirk's whereabouts, Dr. Jahnas."

Spock turned on his heel to update the prince, leaving the confined area that the Re'an members had provided them for privacy.

McCoy raised an eyebrow and waited. Aleyah huffed a sigh, looking most resigned. "I should also tell you that he's specifically looking for the petite Re'an warrior. Soona is her name."

"Soona was taken to the facility for rehabilitation," McCoy muttered under his breath.

"The captain insists that he saw her this afternoon. Here."

McCoy had no doubt Jim saw her, but whether it was real or not was a different question. "You don't understand the situation, Dr. Jahnas. He had no business involving you."

Aleyah's eyes sparked with anger. "I made my own decision to help him, and I think I may understand more than you realize, Dr. McCoy."

"What do you mean?"

Aleyah sat up on the chaise, flipping her hair behind her shoulders. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

_Haven't you already? _McCoy scowled, but nodded.

"Gaila wasn't always tight-lipped regarding Kirk, and I haven't been oblivious to the changes in his behavior. How could you abandon him when he needed you most?"

McCoy's head dropped into his hands. If only this could be a bad, bad dream.

"Dr. McCoy." Spock's voice came from behind. Princess Eoksa stood with him.

"Yes, Spock." McCoy scowled.

"It has been brought to my attention that Princess Eoksa was already concerned about our captain. Combined with this recent incident, a search has commenced."

McCoy's heart sank. With that simple declaration, all the diplomacy that they'd worked so hard to achieve was voided. He couldn't help but curse himself for allowing Jim to return to Re'an in such a vulnerable and mentally unstable condition. It was completely his fault and had been from the beginning. No one else was to blame.

"As I informed the commander, doctor," the princess took a tremulous breath, "Captain Kirk experienced distress earlier near our gardens. Your team may start their search there, if you'd like."

* * *

Once he escaped from under the decisive and watchful eye of his first officer, Jim's initial action was to find a disguise. He confiscated one of the white hooded robes he observed hanging very conveniently in the hallway outside the banquet room. Appropriately dressed, he inched down one of the many palace hallways. Distracted and fatigued, he still felt compelled to prove that he wasn't going crazy. He dragged his stubborn body for another ten yards before stopping yet again to rest. He frowned, mulling over one of the mysteries of Re'an V and specifically everything he understood about the image on the missile.

Aleyah's research revealed that it wasn't merely a creature pictured on the missile, but two Re'an beings. They now determined that one was performing a mind meld on the other and that the seated one had a snake around his shoulders. The snake intrigued Jim as it was similar to the one which had wrapped him. He leaned heavily against the wall, still unable to determine why the image felt so important to him. It was meaningful to the Re'an beings, that much he knew, but they never discussed their mind melds with outsiders. That in and of itself was a mystery. He breathed deeply in attempt to gather strength to continue. Having ignored his fatigue for weeks, his reserves were now gone, adrenaline lacking.

In hindsight, he wasn't surprised that his observational skills were rather diminished.

"Soona." Jim tilted his head and peered intently at her. Hoping that his steady gaze would disguise his surprise at seeing the Re'an warrior standing before him, he stated, "You are here."

_She's real. This is real. It had to be._ Her scent, a strangely comforting mixture of sweat and snake, wafted towards him as he edged nearer. Her chest rose and fell just like his. Several strands of her hair were lifted gently by the draft sneaking past them. Her eyes were hued and shaped like every other Re'an's eyes, but something about them was different. So close to her now, he inspected the wrinkled, faintly red skin tissue around the edges of her eyes. His skin prickled.

"You are searching for something," she said evenly. "All you need to do is ask."

"I seek the truth. You committed a crime and were charged by Prince Lequa. Why are you here?"

"I did no wrong."

"You kidnapped innocent children."

"I am a hunter for my people."

"A hunter of what?"

"Resources," she shrugged. "What we need to live."

"You speak as if-"

"We do what we must to survive, for the benefit of the majority. It's a natural process here."

A wave of nausea billowed. _Just like Tarsus. _He clenched his jaw, his nails digging into the palms of his tightly fisted hands to fight the wave of memories.

"That upsets you," she said matter-of-factly. "It is just like he said. How curious. It doesn't have to be that way."

Confused, Jim tripped aimlessly over all she said - _what was curious? being upset? surviving?_ - so he asked the question that he wanted to ask in the first place. "How could endangering children be acceptable amongst a peaceful people?"

She shifted into a defensive stance. "They were never endangered," she hissed before twisting around and fleeing through an archway. Jim didn't think twice before following.

* * *

Spock ordered the security team to search the palace for the missing captain alongside the Re'an guards while he and the away team returned to the site which had triggered Jim's earlier agitation. Hoping to uncover some clue to Jim's behavior, Spock followed Prince Lequa and the two guards into their sacred room. Sulu, Dr. Jahnas, and Uhura accompanied them as well. Only McCoy waited outside the vined doors, wishing he would simply spy Jim in the corridor. Where was he, if not here? If Jim was indeed so curious, he would have reached this location before the team.

Feeling useless, McCoy lingered as long as he could. He was the last one inside - and the first to see the doors being slammed shut behind them.

"Son of a bitch," McCoy snarled at Lequa. "What the hell is this? Where the hell is Jim?"

McCoy lunged for the prince, unmindful of the spears the guards withdrew from their cloaks.

"I would step away," Lequa's frigid, lyrical voice halted McCoy's attack. The spears paused mere inches away from McCoy's chest as Spock and Sulu restrained him. With great difficulty, the doctor clenched his hands but stepped back. "You shall see your captain, I promise. As long as you cooperate."

"I demand that you release us." Spock said.

"I fear I cannot." Prince Lequa strolled towards the other end of the room, stopping after several meters. "Your captain will want to see our treasured display of animals. I must apologize to him once he arrives. We postponed it long enough, but that is not all our fault. We completely expected your captain to see the animals the very night my children were kidnapped. However, well...your captain behaved contrary to what we expected."

"Here? The creatures are here?" McCoy looked at Lequa and raised his voice in disbelief.

Lequa pressed a hidden button on the floor with his foot. "Of course. I suggest that you do not make any sudden movements. There are creatures you have not studied. Some have been hidden from you until now, and some of those are temperamental and most poisonous. Even...deadly."

The floor shifted, the illusion of a white, spartan room disappearing into a mass of towering green and brown. The walls swirled once around them, as creatures of feather and scales in a whirl of colors and crescendo of cries seemingly appeared out of thin air. It would be a magnificent display if not for the claustrophobia McCoy suddenly experienced and the dread carving itself deep in the pit of his stomach.

_Jim had been right. Jim had been right - and McCoy had failed him yet another time. Jim had been right - and now their captain was alone._

"Where is our captain?" Spock asked evenly.

"He is on his way providing Soona has done her job correctly."

"Soona?" Aleyah said with alarm. "But she's..."

"...a renegade," Spock finished, the hushed anger in his eyes more frightening than any wild rage.

"Yes," Lequa stated. "She has been called that in the past. She is no more a renegade than you or I."

"Soona kidnapped your children." Spock enunciated each syllable.

Lequa otherwise occupied, McCoy glanced sideways at Uhura, hoping that she'd been able to somehow send a signal to the Enterprise. She pursed her lips in response. Sulu's hands clenched by his side, empty without his phaser. McCoy's worry stirred. He'd not even noticed that Sulu had been disarmed as well as Spock.

"Ah, yes. So she did," Lequa said, his affirmation too casual and failing to convince McCoy that the prince even cared.

"What reasonable explanation could you possibly provide for allowing your children's kidnapper-" A guard pressed his spear against McCoy's side as a warning, silencing him.

Lequa waved a hand. "No more questions. The time has come and now...Unfortunately for you and your team, I imagine the lieutenant was unable to establish a connection." The prince's voice faded as a predatorial grin spread across his face.

"Imprisoning us here and delaying our return to the Enterprise will as effectively communicate our situation as Lieutenant Uhura's transmission would have done," Spock challenged.

Lequa shrugged and strode to an apparent path through the depths of overgrowth. "Our shields are raised and your transporter is inoperational - and will remain that way until we get what we need."

"And what is that?" McCoy growled, refusing to budge as the guards' spears nudged them along towards the snakes. No way in hell was he going to make friends with these poisonous creatures.

"Dr. McCoy, to all who see us, we are a peaceful race but we require resources to remain that way. You would not understand, but those resources are vital to our way life and are not available here any more. It has, unfortunately, become precarious to live here and so quickly after our return, too."

Return? The Re'an had been living on this planet for only two decades. McCoy glanced at Spock, wishing immediately that he hadn't. Dread filled the Vulcan's face; he knew something that the doctor did not.

"Fortunately, the timely arrival of someone with the necessary resources will help us address that problem. The ones who help us must remain with us, and it appears that in this particular case that this one will acclimate himself to our ways without complication." Lequa, sounding altogether too pleased with himself, sent them a smile just as smug.

Thick, thorny vines obstructed their view of the locked doors behind them and escape through the foliage was futile with poisonous snakes barring the way. McCoy was almost certain he didn't want to confirm his guess of "who" had arrived. But he swallowed and dared to ask the question reflected in the eyes of his team, "And who might that be?"

"Your captain."

"And we are the bait," Sulu muttered.

"This is the second time you have attempted to ensnare him. The kidnapping was staged. You anticpated him entering this room at that time." Spock arched an eyebrow.

"So it would seem." The prince's bored tone stirred the anger within McCoy. "So it would seem."

McCoy glared in contempt. _No. No, you can't take Jim from us. No_. With a growl and all of the despair that losing his friend the past months had given him, he tore away from Spock's lightning reflexes. "No!"

In a blinding rage, he grabbed the spear with his hand, pushing it away and ignoring the prompt slice of his palm. Fueled by his emotional heartache, he punched the first guard, who fell to the floor. Ready again, he extended his other arm but Spock was already there, bruising McCoy's arms but pulling him back with his fierce grip.

"Dr. McCoy," Spock commanded brusquely, "Stand down. It is not the time to fight."

McCoy was dragged back, stunned at himself that he'd lost control. Jim wouldn't have wanted him to do that. It had been a foolish, foolish move.

"I would listen to the commander if I were you, doctor." Lequa pointed a phaser at Uhura. "Not only am I unafraid to use this weapon, but also your captain's life is at stake. The guards outside this room have orders to kill him if you harm us and do not cooperate. It would be a great loss for us but your cooperation is necessary."

Another growl escaped from McCoy but Lequa, unperturbed by the additional outburst, motioned to the creatures on the ground with his other hand. The snakes McCoy had tried to avoid slithered closer. Spock released his hold on the doctor and stepped in front of Uhura as more creatures joined in the promenade. McCoy raised his hand to wipe his forehead. Blood streaked down his hand. Blinking in shock that he'd ignored such a wound, he took off his command shirt, leaving the black underneath, and pressed it against his sliced palm. His breathing remained erratic as his mind filled with a hundred scenarios of Jim falling right into the Re'an prince's deceitful hands.

"Why are you doing this?" Spock asked quietly.

"Our lives here are much like that of an hourglass. Tip it over and we have only that much time left before peace is vanished and violence enters the minds of our people. They will act upon that violence. It will be impossible to subdue them. Normally, mere memories of others' anguished pasts dispel that evil urge. We depend on resources and sometimes, we admit to stripping too much away- making it impossible for us to return the resource." Lequa paused. "That is the reason why we left earlier. It was becoming noticeable to those species around us. They were suspicious. We take, but we cannot give back what we take. So we returned to our former home, but alas, we cannot find species here with the resources we need either. Until you arrived."

"You are touch telepaths. The symbol on the missile represents this, one's hands resting on another's forehead. You require the memories that others have to keep your species docile. Memory is your resource." Spock paused. "People are your resource."

McCoy felt his face drain of color and a tingling sensation running from his wounded hand and up his arm. He locked his legs, refusing to keel over.

"But you are only capable of touch telepathic abilities between members your own species," Spock continued. "How will you obtain the captain's memories?"

"Yes, as you already know, we are touch telepaths. Our most valuable sacred process, finding and melding with one who has the memories we need, is an ancient ritual. We have a chosen one who is the only one capable of seeking out such memories in another species. And once he melds with the memory resource, our hold on the being is even stronger. Our chosen one will then share those memories with all of us and our planet will be at peace once more." Lequa sighed and shook his head. McCoy blinked, the world encircling him in slow motion. "As long as that missile was in your hands, I knew it would arouse suspicion, Commander."

"How did you know he has what you need? Perhaps he is not as valuable to you as you believe."

Lequa flinched as if Spock's challenge was a slap to his face. "Our ways may be ancient and mysterious, but they are foolproof."

"He will not cooperate," Spock said with confidence.

McCoy opened his mouth to agree for once with the hobgoblin, but darkness crowded. His face heated, his mind filling with the terrible and horrid thought of Jim stuck on this cursed planet believing his best friend had abandoned him.

"Oh, but I am most certain he will," Lequa said smoothly as the doctor collapsed in a heap, his face mere centimeters from the invading snakes he'd wished to avoid.


	14. Chapter 14

The sweltering heat in the belly of the garden overwhelmed Jim. He shrugged off the heavy robe, deciding the lush foliage was ample camouflage. With the extra weight gone, he chased after the renegade as she ran swiftly, unhindered by her short stature. Despite being so petite Soona was incredibly agile. All he saw as she turned the corner around a blossoming bush were her bare, blue feet.

An unexpected surge of adrenaline rushed through him and Jim charged. He turned left in an aisle parallel to hers. The move well-staged, this time it was his turn to surprise her as he crossed the barrier of brush, thorns tearing his uniform in the process. Her muscles flexed under his grip but she lurched to a stop, hair whipping around her face.

"Let go of me," she hissed.

He stared down at her, her petite size throwing him again. "Soona, I cannot allow you to run free. You kidnapped Prince Lequa's children and were charged by the prince himself."

"I did no harm, I told you."

"Good men and women were killed," he gritted. She flinched but made no apology. "I demand an explanation for your presence here and I will find it whether you tell me or not, Soona."

"You do not have the understanding, but you will." Her eyes glistened with emotion. She leaned forward, breath hovering beside his cheek. Jim's fingers involuntarily loosened on her arm. _Her eyes. _Only a portion of her eyes were full of life, the other part near the scarring had unnatural sheen, her skin smoothed too perfectly. He could see this now. _Although peach colored, her eyes were not Re'an eyes. _"Follow me, and I'll show you."

"You...you are..."

_You are...not Re'an_, Jim wanted to say but there it was again. The scent of a snake. The world stopped and Jim inched his face forward. He bent his head, stopped a hairsbreadth from her neck, and breathed deeply where the scent was stronger. She arched her neck and his face instantly pressed against it. As he breathed in her skin, his mind opened. The dark cloud that had hung over his head parted, leaving him feeling freer and lighter than he had for months. How many times over the past months had he longed for the darkness to leave him? He'd been desperate for an escape and now, here it was. He smiled in contentment and breathed again.

"Where are they, Soona?" The whisper fell despairingly from his lips. His fingers clamped around her wrist. He would never let her go until he knew. He had to see the snakes. "Where," he growled deeply into her skin.

"Where is...who?" Her whisper taunted him with its ambiguity. "Your crew, Captain- would you like to see your crew?"

"My...crew..." Why would she ask him that? His crew was safe enjoying Re'an hospitality in the banquet hall. _They probably haven't noticed I left_, jeered the voice in his head. _Besides, they didn't want me to come in the first place._ She twisted away in his confusion. "No...the snakes...wait..."

"Follow me," she taunted and swirled away in a dance of silence.

* * *

Uhura rested McCoy's head on her lap, looking on helplessly as Prince Lequa and his guards slipped through the overgrowth in the room and past each creature without effort or fear. Poisoned tip, Lequa had smiled at them, and not much time. She exchanged a worried look with Sulu who placed the doctor's hand against his chest and above his heart. McCoy needed care - now. There had to be a door there, and if they could somehow...

Uhura's sigh morphed into a frustrated growl. There was no way they could slip past those creatures themselves, unless they killed them.

She said as much to Spock in her concern for McCoy, and Aleyah's eyes widened.

"No, you can't do that!" the xenozoologist protested. "The animals here are far too sacred to the Re'an and far too unique in the universe - killing them would be tantamount to an act of war. Even if we wanted to kill them, we have no weapons and no knowledge of what it takes to do that."

Spock stood as a silent protector, closest to the creatures in his attempt to keep his crew safe. Sulu stood as well. The creatures maintained their distance from the small group, circling them repeatedly. The significance of the monotonous pattern was lost on the Enterprise crew. Uhura shot Spock a wary glance, wanting him to offer an explanation. But he said nothing as he watched the creatures' endless movements.

"Jimmy. Please...forgive me. I'm sorry. Didn't mean... to throw ya out," McCoy's tortured whispers came from cracked, bleeding lips. "I'm sorry...sorry..."

"Shh," Uhura hushed him, stroking the pale and fevered cheek of the doctor. McCoy had been mumbling those exact words in his semi-conscious state since Lequa had left them. The one time he added the word "sickbay" to his delirious murmurs Uhura had glanced at Spock in dismay. That single word was enough for her to deduce the depths of the grievance McCoy had committed against Jim. "Spock, he needs medical care from the Enterprise now."

"Jim will come," Spock stated.

Uhura stared at him in shock. One of their friends lay dying in her arms - did they really want another one to walk into the trap?

McCoy's eyes peeled opened for the first time since he fell. "What...happened...where's..."

"You have been poisoned, doctor, by the lethal tip of the spear," Spock said. "At the present, your symptoms are shortness of breath and increased body temperature. Judging by your unrest and outbursts during the time you were unconsciousness, I estimate that you are experiencing severe pain. We do not know the location of the captain, but Prince Lequa has indeed informed us that the captain will be joining us in this room shortly."

"No," McCoy whispered.. "Help me get up. Jim...Jimmy can't..."

"Stay down," Uhura ordered the stubborn doctor. Sulu moved down beside McCoy and gently held a hand against the doctor's chest to keep him from trying to rise. "You need to save all your strength, Dr. McCoy, for the time we figure a way out of here."

"How mu...how much...time."

"If the captain arrives and he cooperates, the Re'an will give us an antidote and send us to the Enterprise," Spock said evenly.

"Time?" McCoy growled.

Uhura swallowed, but refused to reveal her deeply rooted concern. "Two hours." _At most,_ she failed to clarify.

McCoy's head fell back onto Uhura's lap. His eyes fluttered shut effortlessly. "Ya know...he'll...cooperate."

Spock nodded, attention still fixed upon the Re'an creatures. "To save your life, I have no doubt."

"Ya can't...let 'im."

* * *

Jim brushed aside the vine at his shoulder and stood breathless at the entrance of what had to be the sacred room of the Re'an. He reached out to touch another vine, relishing in the satisfaction that he'd been correct about this room and therefore not losing his grip on reality. In his contentment, he completely forgot to wonder if Soona already entered the room this way.

_He wasn't crazy. He wasn't..._Jim expelled a breath. He tipped his forehead and rested against the door.

"They are waiting for you."

"Soona?" He peered down the cramped brushy aisles, left and right, but saw no sight of her.

"Go in. What you want is in there," she said from his left, shimmying out from behind a narrow fruited tree.

"Will you show me?" he blurted out. Far be it from him not to share the experience.

She crossed the dozen meters over to him and obliged. Once inside, he stared in subdued delight, wanting to tell her to stop so he could revel in watching and listening to what he'd craved since first hearing their cries. She continued along a narrow path through the brush. Jim followed both her and the threads of light pointing the way to a clearing at the far end of the room.

Jim halted in his tracks.

"Bones?" He croaked, blinking rapidly from Spock, down to McCoy on the floor, and to the fierce but incredible display of Re'an snakes.

Confused, he barely registered that a figure now stood beside him. Soona, possibly, he vaguely hazarded. Not just possibly, but probably, seeing that none of his crew had moved a muscle. Struggling to clear his foggy thoughts, he furrowed his brow. Why had he followed her here aimlessly? Upon noticing that Spock's expression of concern tinted with anger, he grew more confused as the rage appeared directed at him.

"What...what are you doing in here? Spock?" Jim swallowed and glanced over at Bones, who lay unresponsive on the floor. Scared out of his wits for the doctor, he took a step forward - and faltered. A sea of snakes moved as a continuous wave towards his crew. Realizing that the snakes stopped when he stopped, Jim saw the better choice - _again, since they were at odds, would they ever forgive each other?_ - was to remain far from his best friend. He exhaled a short breath. "What's wrong with Bones?"

"The doctor has been poisoned. Prince Lequa informs us that it is lethal, but that they will supply us with the antidote if you cooperate with their demands."

"What?" Jim snapped in disbelief. He turned his head to Soona. "Get them out of here."

"Only you can rescue them. The doors before you are locked. They may exit through the garden way..." She paused and peered at him. "But Prince Lequa insists that you stay."

"Tell him I will stay." It was the only choice.

"No, Jim," Spock argued.

"I'll stay, Soona. Just get them out," he ordered. It didn't matter to him that he'd been pulled from command. His crew was endangered and he knew what he must do. He stepped forward, cautious as each step he took forward led the snakes towards his crew. Frustrated, he glared at the warrior. "I said, get them out!"

"You must do this alone." Soona backed into the brush, a look in her eyes that he could not decipher. "I'm sorry."

"No," he reached for her hand but she'd disappeared behind a series of widely trunked trees. "Soona!"

He whipped his head back around, for a moment breathless as he realized McCoy's skin pallor. "How much time does he have?"

"If he continues to decline at the present rate, I estimate a maximum of one hour thirty-two minutes.," Spock said tersely, eyes fixed on the wall of snakes. "We cannot move towards the exit."

"Okay," Jim's gaze darted along the floor. "Okay. It seems that if I move closer to you, so do they. So, listen. I'll move to the other side. It should make a path."

"Jim, there are other details I must explain-"

"Start moving, Spock. Get them out of here." Jim managed to keep his tone neutral until he noticed one of the largest snakes he'd ever seen appearing from the thick of the trees and brush. It barreled over the sea of snakes themselves, heading straight towards him. "Shit. Awww..._shit_."

"Stay calm, Captain."

"_Shit_." Jim hissed.

"Captain, you must remain calm."

"Calm, right. With a hundred snakes at my feet and one the size of a mammoth coming straight for me." He laughed shakily but managed two steps to the right before said mammoth came to his boots. Jim couldn't look up, couldn't make himself for fear he'd make a sudden movement and startle the snakes into a lethal chain reaction. "Uh...Spock? Getting anywhere away from the snakes yet?"

Spock held the doctor's deadweight in his arms. "Our progress is slow but acceptable."

Jim lifted one of his boots and took a slow, deliberate step to the side. As he prepared to slide another step, the head of the mammoth slipped onto his boot and immediately coiled its body around his ankle. He looked in dismay as it hooked its tail around his other foot. _Trapped_.

"Captain, you cannot move," Spock's voice raised. Jim could feel the worried vibes coming from the Vulcan, and that, in turn, promptly caused Jim's heart to race.

"Dammit, I know, I know." Jim swallowed nervously, unprepared for the fight or flight reaction that had hit him. _Still. Stand still._ Another pair of snakes joined the first by coiling around his legs and still another slithered up his torso. Unlike the one that had been wrapped around him days ago, these behaved aggressively. "I know. Just get to safety. Bones needs their help."

"I will come back for you."

"No," Jim clenched his jaw. "You can't. It's too dangerous."

"I can re-"

"Spock, you know it's illogical to come back for me! The damn snakes want me. Not you!" He snapped. "Believe me. I know. I've felt their pull."

"Jim?"

"I've felt their pull...ever since...ever since we arrived at Re'an V," Jim reluctantly admitted. "Go, Spock. Just go!"

Spock nodded stiffly, leading the others away with caution. Other snakes followed the lead of the first four and coiled around Jim's body. He straightened, Lequa's words that the creatures would not hurt him coming to the surface. Remaining calm was the key to his crew's survival. He evened his breaths and soon the awe for the creatures he'd had days before enveloped him. His crew were halfway to the thicker, enveloping foliage of the room when Bones chose to awaken.

"Jimmy," Bones mumbled, peering at him through heavy lidded eyes. "What the hell...is going on."

"A walk in the park, Bones. With snakes." He tried to laugh for their sake, to keep them moving to safety, but the scales of the larger snake swept across his shoulders and neck. The laughter died in his throat when he saw the concern growing on their faces. "They recognize those with strength of spirit, from past experiences, whatever that means. It happened before, Bones. Not to worry."

"A half-dozen snakes...wrapped around you...sure, kid," Bones said weakly.

"It was only one, actually, that time. Piece of cake." The first time they were talking to each other since his removal from command, joking when their lives hung in balance.

"It happened before?" Bones looked at him in disbelief. "Jimmy..."

"That is how the Re'an knew of your past, when the snake coiled around you at the banquet," Spock said. "It is how they knew you were the one they needed."

"What?" Bones' eyes widened at Jim. "The snakes are goddamn fortune tellers?"

"On the contrary, doctor. The snakes do not predict the future, but rather communicate the past. According to Prince Lequa, these creatures have the ability to seek out beings with powerful memories, memories vital to the Re'an's ability maintaining their culture of peace. That is how they have determined that Jim possesses these memories and that they need him-"

"Hold on, Spock. What do you mean, how they knew I was the one they needed? The Re'an need me?" Jim asked incredulously.

"They find those whose violent or troubled memories make them stronger. They will then meld with them to ward off violence within their society. They need your memories to keep peace amongst them, Jim."

"My memories," Jim scoffed but then...it clicked. _Of course. The drawing on the missile...a mind meld...They need...memories...Of my past that I...can't even..._ "My damn memories..."

"Jimmy, look at me, please." Jim could not gather the emotional willpower to obey Bones' whispered plea.

Jim gave a harsh laugh, and an even harsher one as he fully comprehended his situation: at least six writhing snakes covered his body. He ruefully wished that he had not been distracted by whatever it was that the Re'an's had on him. His usually lightning quick instincts had failed him; if only he had been thinking clearly he might have figured things out faster. Now he could barely think of anything but the snakes clenching around his arms and draping over him like a wriggling cloak. The body of one larger snake nudged his neck until he was forced to tilt his head back slightly.

"Isn't this what you wanted, Bones? For James T. Kirk to face his past?" He resorted to cruel taunts. Bones would see through his bluffs, but for once he was truly petrified. Not by the snakes, not by what they would do to him. But by the very real possibility that Bones could die if he didn't succeed. Even if Bones did survive, Jim had no idea what the Re'an had planned for either of them. Jim was resourceful but the Re'ans' trickery had been brilliant.

"No, Jimmy. That's not-"

"It isn't?" He barked out a laugh. "Finally, I have to do what you wanted me to. I have no choice."

"Jimmy, this wasn't...what I had...in mind..." McCoy pleaded.

Jim opened his mouth to utter another dismal comment, but swift movement from Dr. Jahnas distracted him.

"Aleyah," Jim hissed, utterly dismayed that she put her life on the line and placed herself between the snakes and the other crew members. "What are you doing?"

"You said they sense strength of spirit? From one's past?" Her eyes darted wildly from one writhing snake to the next. "Damn time that I see if my years of captured and forced enslavement are worth anything. You can't do this alone. Did you see how they begun creeping over here again? There are too many."

"No, Aleyah..." Jim fearfully saw only a poor end to her involvement.

"Too late, Captain." She gritted. "I can do this. It's my duty. I'm used to these creatures, after all."

It was too late, seeing a snake had already slipped around her legs, locking her into a hold much as they had Jim. "Whatever you do, Aleyah stay calm," Jim tried to assure her, indicating with his head for Spock to continue with the others.

"I am," she said, but her chest was heaving and the wild look in her eyes was as strong as before.

"Aleyah, take a deep breath. They'll sense your fear."

"I got it." She clenched her eyes shut. Jim commended her bravery but had she realized the sacrifice she had made?

"Aleyah," he said gently, "They can't come back for us."

"I know, Captain."

"Spock, if you are able to get to the Enterprise, do it. If I don't contact you within twenty-four hours, continue on with the five-year mission."

"The hell we're leaving you," McCoy weakly said.

"Captain," Spock protested.

"The Re'an were able to move undetected through space twenty years ago, Spock. You know that they are most likely to have other secrets. We've already lost too many crew and I don't want anyone else endangered. If I cooperate and am able to find a way to escape somehow, we will," Jim softened his tone, hoping they wouldn't waste any more time. "But you have to get out of here now."

_For Bones, _he silently pleaded.

"I will keep them safe, Jim."

"Spock...thank you. Now, just go." He winced, unable to disguise the subtle crack of his voice. "Get them to safety."

It was the logical thing to do and therefore, Spock could not refuse his order. The snakes had ensnared him and _that is what the Re'an had wanted all along._

"Jimmy." The desperation in Bones' voice tugged his fractured heart, and with a mind of their own Jim's eyes met those of the doctor.

Jim didn't know if he would ever see Bones again. He tried to smile and belatedly realized that his mouth hadn't moved at all. It felt suffocating, as if full with thick cotton. His last view of the escaping crew and Bones' tormented expression would haunt him for the rest of his days - and he would never forgive himself for his purely selfish silence. Even when the time was right, he couldn't manage to say the appropriate things. In this case, goodbye.

Perhaps it didn't matter that words failed him now; their goodbyes had been effectively said when they had fought on the ship. The hole in his heart was already there and had been for a long time.

Any words he could possibly offer Bones as an apology would never suffice. In Jim's mind, it was too late. He chose instead to simply watch as they disappeared and he stayed. Once again sacrificing himself for his crew, including the one whom he had once called his best friend.

* * *

**A/N:** You gotta wonder what mood or frame of mind I was in when I began this story. I know that it's a bit different than my other stories, and to be honest, I am really liking that I branched out a bit for this one. Anyways, just remember that for all of this angst (we are SO not done with that yet), there will be a LOT of comfort and bromance to counter that. Eventually. A LOT of comfort. So, thank you SO MUCH for following along. Your reviews have been great. I appreciate them so much. Thank you DLB48 - your editing keeps me on my toes! :-)

For the record, I really don't like snakes. I don't have a thing for snakes. This is just how the story developed.

This chapter included the scene (Jim coming to save the day and getting bombarded by snakes) that I've had in my head since the beginning and if you didn't like it, I may just go in a corner, eat chocolate, and cry. Not really cry, I guess, but I might eat chocolate.:-) I have another scene coming in later on that I've pictured since day one and it's a ginormous hurt/comfort scene with Jim and Bones. If you don't like THAT one...you're a tough crowd.

Also, I'm tossing the idea around to do another story in this verse eventually. Perhaps one based on a TOS episode. Maybe The Paradise Syndrome (with some seriously HUGE plot changes with that one. Sorry, but I will go about it in an anthropological way _without_ the kirk-i'm-a-god idea) or The City on the Edge of Forever. I'll take suggestions, too. That would be a long while...because I have three stories that I am currently juggling simultaneously, including one I'm co-writing in another fandom. But like I said, suggest an idea if you wish, even if it's for the other ST verse I've written. Trying to see where my muse takes me next.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **First of all, thank you for reviewing! Reviews are very encouraging and inspiring. DLB48, I'm always thankful for your beta reading! I should give an angst warning for this chapter, not that it has to do with Jim in particular. However, there is a particular plot point that requires a warning as it's a little dark.

* * *

Vines criss-crossed from floor to ceiling, making the away team's progress painful and slow. Spock's piercing gaze bore holes into them, as if that alone would clear the way. From the little he could see through the gaps in the tangled vines, the back door stood a dozen meters away. Gripping the prickly foliage about to tear the doctor's skin, Spock shielded McCoy, more or less allowing the menacing brush to lacerate him instead of the human as he pushed forward. Spock's blood dripped and spilled sporadically on the moss covered path. He paid no heed to the injuries or creatures, not even to the squawking bird by his ears whose wings came too close and scraped his skin slowly and surely like a knife.

Spock gritted his teeth against the sharp pains. Those were insignificant wounds and were nothing compared to what the doctor and captain faced. They arrived at the door, but he felt no relief. They were merely transitioning from one difficulty to the next, as he anticipated that Lequa's guards would greet them on the other side. The ancient style doorknob tantalized Spock, offering a way out of their current predicament but the door refused to budge.

"You've got to be kidding me. Locked?" Sulu huffed, wiping the sweat of his brow. Spock observed both Sulu and Uhura's appearances, quickly noting that the onslaught of Re'an thorny brush and aggressive creatures had not caused extensive injuries to either of the lieutenants.

Without answering the helmsman, Spock carefully deposited the unconscious but wheezing doctor on the only clear section of ground and stepped back. He propelled himself forward and rammed his shoulder into the door.

"Spock!" Uhura cried.

He ignored her. Instead, he rammed his shoulder again, vaguely considering the possible contusions he was self-inflicting, and pushed with all his strength. The door opened with a solid grunt from Spock. Within seconds, they were stepping out into the garden. Spock straightened and shifted the body in his arms. The unconscious human was no physical burden but he was rather unsettled by the five pairs of peach eyes staring down their spears at them.

"He has agreed." Spock said to Lequa, finding no benefit in wasting time. "Now fulfill your part of the agreement. Dr. McCoy requires the prompt administration of the antidote."

"Hmm," Lequa brought a hand to his chin. "Indeed, I will. Guards, please escort Commander Spock and Dr. McCoy to their cell."

A hushed gasp came from Uhura. Sulu's face turned to stone.

"That is not part of the agreement," Spock arched an eyebrow, feigning displeasure. In truth, he wished to remain as close to Jim as possible during the melding process, either to calculate a way for them to escape or plea the case to immediately repair the mental damage done to the captain once they were finished - and then escape. His bond with Uhura would provide a way for them to communicate once he found more answers.

"Neither was Dr. Jahnas' involvement with the snakes," Lequa tossed back.

"You left us in a most precarious situation."

"Your captain resolved the situation, did he not?"

Spock's fury rose to an incomprehensible level. His captain was in the hands of a deceitful species who would use him. Even worse, Spock could not yet determine the true alteration of the captain once the Re'an were finished with him. "I demand that you hold to our agreement."

"You and the doctor will stay. As will Dr. Jahnas."

"That is unacceptable."

"It is perfectly acceptable if you wish for Dr. McCoy to survive. Dr. Jahnas has shown us that she will be helpful to us as well. I will allow you to remain for the doctor's sake, as you will need to administer the antidote to him several times over the next hour. He should not be moved until he has received three dosages. Or would you prefer us to care for him by ourselves?"

"That would be most illogical," Spock said slowly. "I will stay. I demand that Lieutenants Uhura and Sulu be returned to the Enterprise immediately."

Lequa smiled. "As you wish."

* * *

Jim was barely aware of the passing time. Half an hour, an hour, or perhaps more had elapsed since the Enterprise crew had left, but it didn't really matter exactly how long it had been. The only thing that mattered was that no one had come to rescue them. He had spent the time doing everything conceivable to calm Aleyah, but the xenozoologist now showed signs of breaking.

"Why aren't they here?" She whispered.

"I imagine they are taking care of Dr. McCoy first." At least Jim hoped they were, barring any other demands the Re'an would make on his crew.

"Jim," Aleyah's pitiful voice interrupted his thoughts.

Jim blinked and refocused his attention on his crew member.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can," Jim quickly affirmed. She'd begun to tremble and the snakes' hissing had increased around her. "You are a strong woman, Aleyah. You can do this. I'll find a way out of this, I promise."

"I'm scared. I didn't think I would be, but..." Wide-eyed, her eyes grew frantic. "I...I don't like...them on me. They're so strong."

"But so are you. Aleyah. Take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and they will loosen their hold." They had for him. Jim now was so relaxed that he had a difficult time understanding Aleyah's fear.

"I'm scared, Jim." Her eyes reached for him.

"Don't be. I'm here with you. I'm not going anywhere," he said gently. He'd have to take her mind elsewhere, away from Re'an V and even the Enterprise. Maybe he could talk about something they had in common. "Talk to me. Tell me about those times you had with Gaila at the Academy."

"Yes." Her eyes clenched shut. "She and I were a little crazy...Uhura, sometimes, too."

"You two got yourself in all sorts of trouble." Jim had been in the middle of some of it.

"Gaila...she loved you, Jim."

Jim's eyes softened without thinking. "Aleyah..."

"She loved you because you were crazy stubborn, and broken and strong, just like she was," she took a ragged breath. "And even though she knew neither of you would ever take it to another level and you wouldn't dare allow yourself to fall in love with someone...she loved you."

Jim swallowed. He'd known that, heard it from Gaila's own lips. He didn't want to reminisce on this particular subject but he couldn't afford not to, either. _What could be the harm?_ "And I...loved her," he said honestly.

Her eyes flipped open in surprise. "Captain."

He gave her a small smile, maybe even with a ghostly hint of the emotional pain he'd felt after he had physically recovered from defeating Nero and being choked by Spock. Combined with the recent devastation of a beloved friendship, it may very well have been a tragic smile. "I just..." _Didn't realize it until it was too late._ "I have...a hard time expressing my...affection." He almost cringed when words he and Bones shared in sickbay ran through his mind.

"So say most men. Maybe when the time comes again...for love...you won't find it so hard to keep your feelings to yourself?"

Jim fell silent. Gaila's death had been only one of the innumerable losses that terrible day but it was one that he felt to the present. Despite his best intentions, he had made countless mistakes in their relationship that he could never repair. Falling in love had hurt, and he did not think he could ever do it again. Then again, it was highly unlikely just by virtue of being on a ship in the middle of deep space. He had come to love Bones as a brother, even opening up a little and trusting the doctor more than he had ever trusted before. Just as he had made mistakes and hurt Gaila, he had gone and hurt Bones, and even worse, had refused to attempt to fix their broken friendship. _Romantic love? _he silently scoffed. He'd still be an utter failure at that.

A distinct hiss from a snake brought Jim back from his rumination on Gaila's death and the last glimpse of Bones' deathly pallor.

Jim answered Aleyah with a simple, "I don't know," but in reality he did know. He wanted an impossible miracle more than anything. He wanted his best friend returned to him and wanted it done without remembering all that happened to him on Tarsus IV and absolutely without opening the Pandora's box that were his feelings. Once more it seemed that the universe mocked his every desire. In all probability he had seen his best friend for the last time and would have to re-live the worst time in his life alone and full of regret.

He continued. "I don't think that'll happen for..." He clamped his mouth shut as the doors behind them creaked open.

The Re'an had returned. Jim sent a worried glance at Aleyah. She'd grown anxious again - face flushed, breathing erratic and eyes overly wide - in a matter of seconds.

"You'll be out of here in no time, Aleyah," he whispered before the hems of Prince Lequa's robes brushed across the room's floor.

"Ah, Captain Kirk."

"Prince Lequa." Jim refused to move a muscle and, in particular, he refused to nod or bow his head as he normally would in greeting.

"You are upset," Lequa's eyes narrowed. "I suppose I can understand your feelings at the moment. However, they will change."

Lequa motioned to the guards and they immediately walked to Jim. Within seconds, they were removing the snakes from his body and handling the reptiles themselves. As the last one was taken from him, Jim clenched his hands into fists. No, give it back. Jim instantly recoiled at his bizarre thought. Still, he could not tear his eyes away from the writhing creature. He cocked his head. It wasn't writhing. In fact, Jim found it...comforting.

"Is something wrong, captain?" Lequa's voice rolled over him.

Jim swallowed, shaking his head a little. "No. I..." He paused and frowned as he stared at Aleyah. Her eyes were wet, her body obviously shaking under the burden of snakes. "Please, will you remove the snakes from Dr. Jahnas?"

"We must hurry. You must continue your end of the bargain for us to continue administering the venom's antidote to your doctor."

Two guards came to either side of Jim and grabbed his arms, forcing him to take several steps before Jim realized they'd not assisted Aleyah.

"No," he said harshly. He dug his heels into the floor. "Dr. Jahnas -"

"Was not a part of the bargain."

"But, she is...the snakes came to her." Jim searched for anything to convince them to wrench the snakes off her. "You can use her memories, too."

"True, but at the moment we are only prepared for one, and the melding ceremony only requires one."

"She was forced to help protect my crew from the snakes. Please, let her go."

"Jim?" Aleyah's pitiful voice shook his soul.

"Please," Jim begged. "I am not leaving her."

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice, Young Kirk. She will be used for a different purpose." Lequa turned his back to Aleyah. The prince looked at Jim most joyfully, however, and Jim's stomach rebelled. "You are here to save us, but you cannot save her, today."

Jim needed no further explanation. He twisted the arm of one of the guards flanking him and drove him to his knees. A right hook sent the other reeling. He grabbed the guard's spear by the handle before it fell to the ground. Jim spun around with the guard's weapon tightly fisted and pointed the tip at Lequa's throat. "Let her go."

"I'm afraid I cannot."

Jim narrowed his eyes. "Then I will." He walked backwards, aware that with every step he made, the snakes followed him. He held the spear out and without looking at Aleyah, held up one hand to the snake on her right arm. The creature transferred itself to Jim, just as he'd hoped. As he waited for another, there was a pinch to his neck. He lurched, unable to keep hold of the spear and slapping a hand over the offended, now burning area. The dart he found there pulled out easily and he stared at it. Numbness spread over his body, his stance growing incredibly awkward. He looked accusingly at Lequa. "What...what did you give..."

He fell. He knew he did, but it was as if a cloud broke his fall.

"Jim," Aleyah whimpered.

His brow creased. He felt tugging and pulling but there was a clear lack of sensation Jim couldn't understand. Before he could comprehend what was happening to him and therefore, respond to Aleyah, they were carrying him down a corridor on some sort of board, only he couldn't feel it underneath him. Panicked, Jim searched for a reasonable explanation other than that it felt as if he were floating in the air, for that wasn't reasonable enough for him. He desperately tried to get his bearings, but found himself sorely limited. He was numb, but...different. His legs and hands moved awkwardly as he tried to push away from his captors, and he stopped when he realized his movements made no rhyme or reason and did not coordinate with what he commanded his limbs to do. Stunned, his mind resorted to thoughts on how to escape. There'd been no mistaking Aleyah's terror - she needed him.

As they passed by an open window, a gust of wind lifted the Re'an robes. The hoods of two fell off and brushed Jim's face. His heart skipped a beat in his confusion and doubt consumed him. Why couldn't he feel the fabric against him? Or the wind in his face? What had they done to him that his sense of touch registered nothing, not even the chill of the air? The only sensation he had was rage and sorrow as each step carried him further away from his crew.

"Young Kirk, I realize you are experiencing something rather unusual. I am sorry we had to take such drastic measures to insure your cooperation but it was for your benefit. So you can feel at home here you must learn to cast off your current duties and become one of us. You'll understand soon enough." Lequa patted his arm. Jim looked at the royal hand oddly. He hadn't felt a single touch. Lequa murmured to a guard, who promptly freed Jim's arm. Jim lifted his own hand and stared at it in horror.

"What did you do to me?" He whispered, clenching and unclenching his hand and finding himself even more despondent when he couldn't sense his fingers touching. It seemed impossible, but he couldn't feel. What had they done? How could he get to Aleyah and save her like this?

"It's only the beginning, Young Kirk. Soon you'll think of this as mere growing pains. The process of stripping away your identity-"

"Identity?" he repeated numbly.

"Yes, so you can be free to be one of us. It will not be easy, I confess. You will experience side effects that will eventually pass. We have more to do but the end result is nothing less than outstanding for the melding ceremony. You'll be wonderfully happy here. You have experienced happiness here already, have you not?"

_Yes. He had._ Jim's heart warmed for an instant. He blinked and crushed the feeling with a silent accusation towards Lequa: _You poisoned Bones. You left Aleyah behind. Do not talk to me about happiness._

Lequa continued. "You've perhaps felt more happiness here than you have felt anywhere else for some time."

Jim paused to consider those words, searching for a recent happy memory on the Enterprise. Recalling his shipboard life immediately brought Bones to mind, and his heart twinged with loneliness. Where there should have been joy and contentment he could only find anger and grief. His mind raced when he couldn't recollect a single, pleasurable moment. Surely he had been happy. It was his ship. His crew. He'd been happy. _Hadn't he?_

A scream shattered the air. Jim jolted. With his heart in his throat, he twisted his neck to look back but was obstructed by the board underneath him.

"Do not move," Lequa ordered. "You've scraped your cheek. It is bleeding."

_Scraped? Bleeding?_ He had felt nothing. "What is going to happen to her?"

Lequa moved to block his view of any surroundings and the guards carrying Jim picked up their speed. Seconds later, Aleyah's shrieking came to a cold stop.

No one had answered his question. For a short time while he realized the xenozoologist's fate on his own, Jim was content with their silence.


	16. Chapter 16

McCoy awoke, overcome with dread even before he took in his stark surroundings. He squinted against the searing bright light, his skin prickling upon seeing the bleak cell holding Spock and himself. The Vulcan officer hovered over him as he lay on some sort of flat surface. It took McCoy by surprise to be the recipient of such concern, as Spock hovered much like he would hover over an injured Jim. Also disconcerting were the tattered uniform of the Vulcan and green blood and lacerations primarily covering his torso. Unable to make sense of anything, he fell back into old patterns, avoiding any thought of the one person who was not with them.

"Let me guess," McCoy muttered. "I'm not Dorothy, you're not Toto, and I'm not wearing a pair of sparkling ruby slippers."

Spock's eyebrows raised to his hairline.

"The Wizard of Oz?" McCoy groaned, rubbing his injured hand lightly. It was bandaged and still sore. He reached for his backside next, noting the cold, hard surface of the bench underneath him and every single aching muscle of his body - but at least he was no longer wheezing. He reasoned that somehow, Spock had reversed the poison's effects.

Spock leaned forward even more in his chair and peered at McCoy.

"The Emerald City?" McCoy tried again. Maybe the whole green thing would ring a bell.

"Doctor, the antidote has alleviated many of your symptoms, including your elevated body temperature. If I had no insight into your thought processes during stressful situations and was unaware that you are, indeed, concerned about Jim, I would think you to be speaking most incoherently. However, I believe you are making light of our dire situation to avoid discussion of the captain."

"Yeah, you're right." McCoy scowled. "I'm perfectly sane. Oz is a Terran classic. I was merely commenting that we're not on the Enterprise, and you look like you fought a Gorn. Let me see-" McCoy attempted to sit up but Spock's steady hand forced him down.

"Doctor, my wounds are superficial. The poison is being reversed in your system and you are no longer in danger of dying. However, I advise you not to attempt to stand yet. The more pressing matter is this: they preferred to keep us here to administer the antidote and ensure Jim's cooperation."

McCoy clenched his fists at his side. "Spock, please tell me he hasn't..."

"I have not heard, doctor, although they mentioned they were preparing him."

"If they lay a hand on him," McCoy threatened.

"Dr. McCoy, you have received two doses of the antidote but you must remain calm in order for them to finish the process," Spock paused. "I have also pleaded our case, and I expect them to heed some of my logic."

"Your logic?" McCoy rubbed his forehead, which continued to ache as before.

"I wish for us to remain here and extract Jim from their hands before any damage is done. I suspect the captain will not cooperate willingly, despite the pull of the snakes. I offered to assist if Jim requires...calming." Spock paused. "As you know, doctor, a meld performed incorrectly can cause significant damage, and I have reminded them of this repeatedly. They will be returning shortly. We must devise a way to convince them to allow me to see Jim before they meld with him. I now think that I may be able to at least ward off irreparable damage."

Spock's use of the phrase "pull of the snakes" horrified McCoy. "Pull of the snakes? Are you saying that he felt some kind of connection to them?" He choked back on vomit, the thought of snakes dangling off Jim nauseating to him. "I know I was a little out of it, but I thought he was scared out of his wits, like the rest of...wait...he wasn't, was he? The damn snakes were calming him!"

McCoy's doctor instincts kicked in, searching his memory for other signs he might have missed besides Jim's eerily relaxed state around the snakes. He cursed himself and his distractions, wondering if he could have prevented any or all of their current predicament.

"I was aware but did not completely comprehend what was happening. Lieutenant Uhura observed Jim with the first snake. She also was made aware through that incident that the captain had suffered another tragedy in his childhood."

"Dammit," McCoy hissed quietly. That was what provoked or even enhanced Jim's symptoms. "Do you think they knew? That he's currently vulnerable to whatever powers they have?"

"I do not know. I believe the captain's ability to charm the snake was an indicator, but perhaps..." Spock quietly continued. "Prince Lequa's son touched Jim when he gave him the snake, and then again after the staged rescue in the garden."

The silence thickened as Spock added no further clarification.

"Wait. Oh, no," McCoy widened his eyes. "You're not telling me that a damn _kid_ is this one they're talking about, the one who has touch telepathic abilities with other species? The one who can meld with Jim?

Spock leaned forward once again, hands clasped on his knees. "Doctor, indeed, I am."

"He will fight with his last breath." McCoy said, knowing Jim would rather die than expose all of Tarsus to a child. "He will never let a child experience his memories. Dammit, Spock, Jim was a kid himself! What he went through was atrocious. You can't even imagine. You wouldn't want to. Hell, even _I_ had a difficult time even functioning..."

McCoy's voice faded. Although with a quick glance one would safely assume the Vulcan was unflappable as always, McCoy checked twice. Spock's eyes showed the slightest hint of tension.

"Spock, although it was horrible, Jim survived. He persevered. But now this...a kid? He'll fight. Again, just like he always has."

"I appreciate your sentiments, doctor," Spock said slowly. "However, in regards to the meld, I fear that Jim will have no choice in the matter."

* * *

They placed him on a large, hinged chair made of steel in the middle of a white room roughly the size of his quarters. Jim slumped awkwardly, somewhat mortified by the way he couldn't control his unfeeling body. They manipulated his arms while removing his command shirt and black shirt underneath. His socks and boots were next. Though both the metal of the chair and the air temperature in the room were chilling, Jim could not perceive those sensations even with his bare skin exposed.

Without the sense of touch, Jim could not understand how to operate himself in something as elementary as a chair. He would have simply continued to slide off the chair if not for the two Re'an guards who swiftly took charge. They secured him with a variety of metal cuffs and straps, beginning with his thighs and chest.

Jim felt nothing, save his own mouth and eyes. With the sense of touch lost, it would be next to impossible to fight let alone walk. The lack of feeling was altogether too horrific, and Jim was only slightly aware that his eyes had grown wet since his arrival into the white room.

He wiggled his fingers for awhile, for they had only clamped his wrists down but not his fingers. He stared at them, fixated on flexing his fingers for fear of losing motor control. Soon, the surrounding lights intensified. He squeezed his eyes shut against the unwelcome brightness but his attempt to move his head to one side failed. He clenched his teeth, realizing that beyond an estimated centimeter, his head was immovable.

"Are you comfortable, Captain?"

He made some noncommittal grunt in his throat, unwilling to relax his mouth but he did open his eyes. Emotion swelled within him and being one of the only things he _could_ feel, he welcomed it. Especially the contempt he felt for the prince standing before him.

"It is time to continue. Your doctor is well on his way to recovery. I hope this puts you at ease."

Jim refused to admit that it did.

"You will not be alone here. Despite your differences, you are welcomed, Young Kirk. We are pleased with the ease at which you handle our sacred creatures, as that is usually the last step our new members take. To help you feel like one of us, we must continue to adjust your appearance."

"I thought I was here to be mentally manipulated, not become a poor replica of your mind-sucking species," Jim scoffed. "Like Soona."

"Oh, I am not referring to drastic changes such as those," Lequa stated. "The meld is necessary for all of us to survive, and eventually, those melds will be the only thing barring you yourself from acting out in violence. The drug we administered to you will help us strip away your identity, beginning with your ability and desire to fight, which I sense is an attribute that runs strongly through your veins. The unfortunate lack of sensation you have now will eventually subside. As your commander has warned us, a meld with an unwilling subject is a dangerous thing."

"Then why not use it on yourselves?" He sneered.

"Too much will leave we indigenous Re'an in a vegetative state." Lequa stated. "And that is unacceptable. You were given the smallest dosage and yet you will endure this new lack of feeling for a little while, perhaps even days."

Jim was too shocked to react. _Days?_

"Even a little more than what we gave you would be detrimental to your human body and you, my son, are too much a prize to lay waste."

"I am not your son," he spat. "I am the son of George Kirk."

"True, but he is dead, is he not?"

"He is my father," he said through clenched teeth.

"He is not here, and you will need one to guide you. I will fulfill that necessary role, and all my sons are distinct from the other Re'an. You will eventually realize that I treat my adoptive sons of mine reverently. I do not unnecessarily harm them." Lequa flicked his fingers. Two Re'an adult females entered, one with a handheld device, the other with a large, wide mirror which was placed in directly in front of Kirk.

The female beings came beside him, and as he tried to observe what they were doing, they moved to his side beyond his peripheral vision. Hands manipulated his eyes, and soon they were forced open so he could no longer close them.

"What is this?" Jim strained, unnerved that he could only stare at his reflection. The mirror extended beyond his peripheral vision as well, repeating his reflection. He peered at his eyes in the image, noting his eyes were now held open by tape and his head was in a slender brace, much as he had feared it to be.

"I want you to watch," Lequa said in a low voice, stroking a young snake in his arms.

The female beings patted his head and ruffled his hair much like Bones used to do when Jim was hurt and in sickbay. The thought of Bones utterly too painful, he watched the Re'an at work, still in disbelief that he couldn't feel the touch of their hands. One being took a cloth along his face and squeezed it above his eyes, allowing water to drip. The water dribbled into his eyes and eased the burning sensation tormenting him. Frustrated he could feel the pain but nothing more, he could only surmise that the excess slid onto his cheek and down his face.

Desperation welled up within him as the other Re'an female took the device and slowly and deliberately removed a narrow strip of Jim's hair.

Then he knew. They intended to shave his hair - all of Lequa's sons were bald. An adopted son would be no different.

His eyes stung. He'd been bald only once before. At age thirteen Kodos' guards had shaved his lice-filled hair, and Jim had never allowed his head to be shaven ever again. The Tarsus reminder would be too brutal. He wasn't called Captain Perfect Hair by Scotty for nothing.

Jim had no choice but to observe his nightmare re-lived. The longer he watched, the harder it was for him to breathe. They would take away more than just his hair, but Jim would not give in. He would find a way to return to his crew, with or without his hair, and with or without some of his memories.

"You are distressed." Lequa held out the snake to him. "I would allow you to touch this, but knowing that you are unable to feel this sacred creature I will set him close against your chest, Young Kirk. Then, you will see him and be comforted as I know you are comforted by them."

"Get it away from me." He sent the prince a withering glance.

Lequa tsked. Before Jim saw the snake resting on his heaving chest, he smelled its scent.

"Don't fight it. The process has already begun and you cannot stop it. This will be only one of several things we must do to prepare you," Lequa said with a nod. "When the time comes that you are unable to fight the change, I will help you through your guilt and your sadness. It's only natural you feel this way but we will all help you. It has already begun but soon, perhaps even this very hour, you will welcome these changes whole-heartedly."

"I will never give in," Jim said, but his eyes trailed to the snake in the mirror and his mind ascended in a soft haze that he could not define to be anything else but peaceful.

"Tell me, what distresses you."

Jim clenched his jaw. _James T. Kirk. Captain. SC937-017..._

Lequa gazed at him with pity. "You feel peace but something at the back of your mind is upsetting you. We can rid you of this pain, if you only answer my questions."

Jim's gaze flickered to Lequa.

"Ah, you must sense the comfort we can give you."

"I will not give in," Jim said, but as he feared, his words lacked the previous passion. Terrified at his internal conflict, his chest tightened and he began a mental rant to contradict the prince's words.

_He didn't want this. That was insane. He wouldn't want this. He would defy the hold they have on him and curse those snakes with every last breath. Lequa said he had a few hours before the drug took full effect? He would find a way and be off this planet long before then._

"I see." Lequa promptly scooped up the snake, Jim in torment as the Prince took away what had soothed his mind a moment before.

His reflection was empty without the snake, and the loss cut so deep that Jim didn't understand it himself. He wanted the snake back, but could not bear to hear himself say the words. So he buried the cry deep within the already broken creviced places. By now, the Re'an had almost completed the hair-shaving process. Each time that a strip of hair disappeared, he was back on Tarsus.

"What is distressing you?" Lequa asked again. "The next step after this will be even more challenging, Young Kirk. It may be beneficial for you to-"

"James T. Kirk. Captain. SC937-0176CEC," Jim muttered, reaching for the fight he felt waning within him and grasping a corner of it with all that he had and dragging it to the surface. If he lost that part of himself, the rest was sure to falter and break at an unthinkable pace.

The three Re'an beings in the room stood perfectly still, waiting. Waiting for what, Jim did not know. For him to break down in this very chair? Reveal what was 'distressing' him? He mused bitterly, keeping his thoughts inward where he could ignore the questions and presence of the Re'an. _James T. Kirk. Captain. SC937-0176CEC. Jim Kirk did not give in. He did not give in. James T. Kirk. Captain-_

The snake appeared at his chest in the reflection once again, and both Jim's attention and breaths returned to the addictive haze the snake provided before he could even think of protesting. The beings returned to their work. When he tried to form the words to express his displeasure with them, the inside of his mouth grew heavy and thick just as it had when Bones disappeared from sight. Jim could only sit in silence, regretting that he'd ever touched a Re'an snake in the first place, and Lequa remained strangely quiet.

A female being gave one final sweep of the device and it was done. They tore the tape off of his eyes without ceremony, the stinging of the sensitive skin around his eyes never registering. He squinted and blinked to clear his vision, the image before him shocking to the Star Fleet captain.

A bare-headed stranger stared back. If not for the apparent age of the human in the mirror, Jim could have sworn it was a reflection of himself on Tarsus. He made a pitiful, helpless sound in the back of his throat. His signature golden locks were gone, leaving only a faint shadowing of fuzz. Unwittingly, now also a mere shadow was his resistance.

* * *

**A/N: **This was one of my favorite chapters to write. I hope you enjoyed it! I found Kirk's serial number online for TOS and assumed it would be the same for the reboot. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **So, this chapter may have come a few days later than what was expected. I'll be updating again tomorrow, though, so hoping that makes up for it! I had these next scenes in a bigger chapter and decided to split it up into several chapters, instead. Thanks for reading! I've really appreciated your reviews, so thanks for those, too. :-)

DLB48- thank you for beta reading. I enjoy our shared efforts in editing this story! :-)

* * *

Spock stood with his back to McCoy, hands clasped behind him. His rigid posture hid the inner turmoil he was experiencing. He had observed humans, most particularly his captain, pacing in such situations and while wasting energy was illogical, there might be some value in it. Just when he was about to perform an experiment to determine this, the doctor spoke up.

"They're late."

Spock could not see McCoy's scowl but the apparent displeasure in the doctor's voice was unmistakable.

"Indeed, doctor. You were scheduled to receive the last dose of antidote 30 minutes ago. An unprecedented time has lapsed. However, while the Re'an are behind schedule, I have no reason to suspect that they will not finish the process as promised." He left unsaid that the Re'an had what they wanted - their captain. Anticipating the Re'an's imminent arrival, Spock stood in between McCoy and the door.

"Blast it, Spock, I'm not concerned about myself. Aren't you worried about Jim? His very sanity is on the line. His-"

The door sliding open interrupted the doctor's rant. Light from the hallway illuminated the visitor's features and Spock shifted his stance in surprise. One of the Re'an guards had administered the earlier antidote, but this was neither of those tall, muscled men. Rather, it was the petite warrior Soona.

The Re'an female held a hypo loosely in her hands, the quiet demeanor and serenity in her expression giving her an ethereal presence. Spock observed her fluid movements with a careful eye. She carried herself with the Re'an grace, but she was not Re'an. She was...human. How had he not seen that earlier? Spock had not considered this possibility until this very moment. He had noted her diminutive stature when he saw her the first time but he had been too far from her during the disastrous rescue mission to observe the other discrepancies in her physical appearance. Up close, her physical Re'an alterations were more apparent, and Spock considered the likely possibility that Jim had been suspicious of her humanity. Spock calculated that she must have grown 6 centimeters since the forced modifications, causing the visible discrepancies.

Soona brushed past Spock and crouched down beside the doctor. "This is the final dose, Dr. McCoy. Lie still, please."

McCoy eyed the hypo, already reaching out to wrench it from her. "I can do it."

"No," she said, eying him sharply and continuing in a whisper. "Please allow me. The guards may enter and they must see that I am following through with my intentions. You'll need to rest until you are no longer light-headed, but it shouldn't be long."

McCoy's brow furrowed. Soona pursed her lips and plunged the antidote into McCoy's arm.

"Kirk doesn't belong here," she whispered, attention focused on her task.

"Neither do you belong here," Spock looked pointedly at her.

She pulled hypo from McCoy's arm and glanced up at Spock with displeasure. "You cannot understand, but I do belong. While I must remain here, Kirk doesn't have to. I believe I can possibly assist you to escape with him. You will have to decide if you can trust me."

"May I presume that you know the location and condition of Dr. Jahnas?"

Her gaze flickered as she lowered her eyes to the floor. "I do. I am sorry."

Spock narrowed his eyes in response as the silence swelled in the room.

"She's dead?" McCoy gasped, struggling to rise. "And they have Jim right where they want him..."

"Your captain is more important to them," she hurriedly explained. "There is a small window of opportunity we can take advantage of to free him. Now is not the time for that."

"Why not?" McCoy eyed the door. "I reckon that now a perfect time to escape. Especially with you as a potential hostage."

"That is quite logical, doctor," Spock arched an eyebrow.

Soona shook her head. "It's not the right time. If you act now and something goes awry, you risk the prince killing Kirk. He has a vengeful side, one that I only recently have discovered myself. It emerges under stress and confrontation as he showed when your xenozoologist interrupted his plans. The Re'an - my people are showing the effects of surviving without the proper memories. You must assume that the Prince is unstable and capable of anything."

"Then when, pray tell, do you suggest we hightail it out of here?" McCoy scowled.

"When they release you from this cell, they will be well into the meld, more than likely finished. I overheard them talking; they will probably deny your request to see Jim even though the prince was considering it for after the meld completes. Prince Lequa will be observing the melding ceremony, as well as some of the guards. You can make it to our control center to lower the planetary shields while the Re'an are distracted. I also have this..." She glanced back at the door, hands fumbling under her robes. She pulled out a Star Fleet issued phaser. Spock took it and tucked it underneath his shirt in the waistband of his pants. She continued. "...to disarm the one who is guarding Kirk. I can provide a distraction."

"Why are you willing to help us now?" Spock questioned, one brow raised. "You expressed no empathy with our situation previously."

"I have assisted others in the past. The Re'an don't suspect me, but that is part of what threatened our secret. I was very young then. Only eight years old. I wasn't going to help anyone again, but I wish Lequa would find a different way to accomplish peace in our society. I enjoy my peace here. It's really all I've ever known. As I said before, I've realized his ven-"

The door opened again and Soona tightened her hold around the empty hypo.

"You are taking too long," the Re'an guard in the doorway announced.

She stood, making no excuses as she rose from the floor. Without a glance at either Spock or McCoy, Soona exited. The door closed.

"Well, that was unexpected." McCoy shifted his body on the bench. "Can we trust her?"

The phaser lay heavily against Spock's skin as he ruminated on Soona's apparent sincerity. "I can state with certainty that she was being truthful."

"But can we trust her?"

"It is my desire to trust her," Spock simply said. "However, I am uncertain if that is the best way to effect our escape."

"Why the hell not?" McCoy thundered. "We can't wait any longer, Spock! Who knows what else they are doing to Jim as we sit here and talk. I don't have a good feeling about waiting."

"If they are unable to meld with Jim, they may seize the opportunity to kill him. Furthermore, breaking the meld in an abrupt manner would be detrimental not only to Jim, but to their chosen one. Both are risks I simply do not believe we can afford to take. I would prefer to bring our captain home alive, doctor."

"Alive is good, but we both know that Jim would rather die than become less than himself. We don't know what these mental alterations will do to him." McCoy pleaded with him, but Spock had already made his decision. "We don't know what he will be like after the meld. Will there be enough of Jim left to rescue?"

"He will be Jim," Spock said determinedly. "And we will escape with all of his memories intact even if we must bring their chosen one aboard the Enterprise to repair the damage they have inflicted upon him."

McCoy's reply was utter silence.

* * *

Soona scurried away from the two officers, each echoing step reverberating her betrayal in her mind. The Re'ans had taken her in and provided her with comfort and a home, and now she had betrayed them for a second time. For the second time in her short life she had also threatened the very survival of their species.

The reality of Prince Lequa's persecution and torture of innocent people finally penetrated her shadowed life as a Re'an citizen. Re'an citizen, but human by birth, she could no longer hide behind ignorance and passively stand by while the Prince wrenched people from their peaceful lives and forced them to bend to his will. The rumors regarding the Enterprise's xenozoologist sent chills coursing down her spine. She determined that it had to stop, no matter the cost to her civilization and perhaps very life. It would stop now, with Captain Kirk.

Steeling her expression, she cautiously approached the double doors. The presence of at least a dozen Re'an guards alerted her to the fact that Kirk must behind them. Lost in thought, she was taken unaware by the Prince himself.

"Soona, you should not be here." Prince Lequa turned to her with chiding eyes, addressing her as if she were a lost puppy. "These things are not for your eyes or ears, my daughter."

She seethed inside, feeling the same distaste and hatred for those words as she always did. She was not his daughter nor would she ever be. He wanted her as a member of his family only because in the Re'an world, she was considered to be a valuable prize. She was already adopted. The only way she could enter his family was by marriage to one of his sons.

The thought repulsed her.

"What are you going to do to him?"

"He is strong, stronger than I had first anticipated. If we proceed as usual, there is a great risk that we would damage his mind during the melding process. Therefore I have decided that we must remove the last remnants of his resistance. We have to ensure his complete cooperation."

"Remove? You'll destroy him!" She inched towards the door, wanting to see Kirk through the window.

Prince Lequa clutched her arm. "No, my child. These parts of him will return in time, assuming that he continues to cooperate. Do not worry yourself over him. Perhaps, since you appear to be so concerned for his welfare, I will allow you to see him soon."

"When?"

"Once that tragic memory is less heavy and burdensome in the depths of his mind."

"Then will our people return to their peaceful ways? After peace is secure, surely you will return to him whatever you've taken?"

Prince Lequa's lips curled into a smile. "Of course."

His smile warned her. She shivered, thinking of Dr. Jahnas' fate. "This will still hurt him."

Hearing the Prince's plan changed hers. The doctor and commander must rescue Kirk sooner than she anticipated. How could she find her way back to their cell without provoking the guards' suspicion?

"It is the only way. You know this. It is the only way, Soona, or we all perish." He paused, narrowing his eyes at her. "You are being quite inquisitive. I fear I cannot allow you to possibly interfere with this opportunity. Guards!"


	18. Chapter 18

In his misery, Jim lost all track of time. The Re'an had left him by himself some time earlier after shaving off all his hair. He thought they enjoyed leaving him to suffer in solitude. While alone, however, he found some comfort in lingering in a vague place in his mind, a place where he had no need to fight the emotional conflict brought on by the drug they had given him.

"It's time." Prince Lequa's solemn voice seeped through into the dulled corners of his tortured mind.

Jim's eyes fluttered away from his reflection to Lequa in acknowledgement that he had heard the prince. "I want..." Jim winced, finding that his voice was barely above a whisper. He cleared his throat. "I have to verify that Dr. McCoy is recovering."

"I'm sorry," Lequa shook his head. "It is a request I cannot grant."

"A simple comm would suffice." Jim eyed the three Re'an casually. If he could manage a neck hold on one of the Re'an perhaps he could do some damage. His strength wasn't gone. If he could see what his hands were doing, he could accomplish some sort of physical action. But even if he managed to do that, there was nothing else he could do. An attempt to walk, however, was an utter waste of his time and energy. "Surely, you could grant me one last request."

"You are not going to die," Lequa frowned. "Forgive me if I gave you that impression."

It was a poorly placed comment, and Jim decided it was a brusque one made purposefully to strike a nerve. Jim remember all too well the anguish of leaving Aleyah to her fate, swarmed by alien snakes. He fought to keep his anger in check.

"You are taking me away from my family - forever," Jim said, rueing every selfish decision he had made that estranged him from his family the past several months. "It is a cruel thing-"

"Is it not better to do what you are doing for us? For a species once belonging to the Federation? What about the needs of the many?" Lequa's voice took on an edge.

"It is not a better purpose when you are manipulating and essentially murdering innocent, unassuming people on your behalf. Couldn't there be another way to provide-"

"Enough," Lequa snapped. Jim fell quiet, noting that the prince once again revealed cracks in his mask of tranquility. Lequa squared his shoulders as he stepped in front of Jim. His once warm, peach eyes morphed into an icy, threatening orange hue. "Your adjustment to Re'an life will be swifter and easier if you cease all contact with your former life, especially now that we've begun the process."

The same two guards who had locked Jim into place in the chair entered, each carrying a small box.

"Resistance is futile, and in order to satisfy our agreement, we must continue." Lequa snapped his fingers. One guard appeared on Lequa's right, box open to reveal two syringes similar to 21st century Terran ones.

Jim swallowed, preparing himself for either torture by way of yet another drug or the inevitable meld. With his eyes trained on the syringes being prepped he didn't notice that they were taping his eyes until he could no longer close them.

"So we're back to this again," Jim offered. This time they gave him no water to alleviate the burning of his eyes. "You could've just asked if you wanted me to watch."

"No," Lequa moved to the side, allowing the robed guard to come forward. "I mentioned before there are growing pains. We are taking many precautions with you, Kirk, to reach you at your most vulnerable place during the meld. As much as we are manipulating the physical, the mental change is of utmost importance in this transition."

Lequa paused while the guard positioned himself beside Jim.

Jim took a deep breath when the guard failed to appear in his peripheral vision. As the other guard pulled out a mouth guard from another box, Jim laughed humorlessly. "I take it this is the fun part."

Lequa smiled thinly at him. Suddenly, he pulled out a narrow, cylindrical device out of nowhere and flashed it abruptly into each of Jim's eyes. The brilliant red light seared into his mind, halting his laugh and freezing his eyes into place.

"What the hell," he snarled, finding quickly and horrifically that his vision was trained to one precise spot. That one spot, where once Lequa stood, was now empty. Jim took a shaky breath. He could no longer locate the three Re'an beings he knew to be in the room with him.

Hands pulled at him. Jim tried to fight, but he was quickly overpowered as they wrenched his mouth open with eager hands. He felt their forceful tugging, the pressure of their intrusiveness, and finally, the pinch of a mouthguard as it was pressed around his teeth. They released their hands. He choked as the sharply edged guard shifted and settled uncomfortably. The chair lurched backwards with a screeching whir, the force of it causing the wretched device to cut deeper into his gums until the metallic taste of blood coated his tongue. As the chair continued to angle backwards, Jim cringed at the ensuing noise. With his eyes paralyzed, his mouth forced to comply with the invasive gadget, and most of his face already numb, he could hardly manage the muscle movement to express his discomfort.

"It'll be worth it in the end, my son," Lequa murmured, appearing out of nowhere.

The chair continued backwards until Jim's body lay parallel with the ceiling. His eyes fixed helplessly upon the ceiling, forcing him to watch as a crude yet sinister looking contraption drifted down. It stopped within centimeters of Jim's face. The guards placed the syringes in two empty metal holders above his head. The Re'an slipped from his sight, leaving Jim to wonder at the contraption dangling ominously with the inescapable sharp points. The needles were so small, they were almost invisible. The more he wondered, the greater the dread swirling in the pit of his stomach.

"Remain calm. The drug has been working against your instincts, Young Kirk, and after this procedure, you will be drawn us more than ever. It is as inevitable as the feelings of guilt that you betray your crew for your new family."

"No," Jim garbled out but the machine lowered and so did the two needles aiming straight at his eyes.

Jim whimpered. It was a sound he detested, but he repeated it, like a dog knowing it was about to be beaten by his master. Miniscule needles consumed his vision and overcame his thoughts. Pitiful, helpless cries were all he could manage before the needles pierced through his eyes, perforating and injuring one of the few parts of his body with feeling intact.

The needles drove into his eyes, his cries contorted by the mouth guard as he screamed in what felt like endless agony. He felt no gratitude for that which prevented him from tearing his mouth apart - only concentrated pain. Miserable, hot, searing pain that was too concentrated and overwhelming for anyone, let alone someone lacking the sense of touch and feeling only with his eyes as Jim did. Tears flooded, streaking remnants of the brief but brutal torture down his face.

He was broken before it ended. The pain had taken over, and he didn't know what had broken, hadn't felt the mental snap or the tug in his mind. The decline in resistance had been subtle ever since the dart pierced his neck. It diminished when they removed his hair, but now enough time had passed and they knew exactly when to strike. They kept Jim in a world of anguish, his body contorting with stress - and his resistance could do nothing but fade completely. They removed the mouthguard, as it all was over before his crying ceased.

It hit him a moment later, striking when his sobs lessened, his body heaved less, and despite the lingering pain bringing his mind to its knees. It was then that he realized they had taken something from him that was almost as precious as his memories.

"No," he rasped, throat aching with emotion. Unbeknownst to Jim, his body shuddered. "Why?"

"Vulnerability," a voice murmured in his left ear. "When we tattoo your arms and neck, you will not even know. As we come into the room, you will be unaware for we are stealthy. As our chosen one lays his hand on your head and begins the melding process with you, it will be unexpected and his entrance into your mind unhindered. Today and for some time, your very desire to fight will be taken completely away until we are certain passivity comes naturally to you. Now, tell me if you want to attempt to escape from us. In essence, that is fighting against us, my son."

"James...Kirk. Captain. SC937-017...7..."

"Tell me, Young Kirk," Lequa said smoothly. "Will you attempt to escape if the opportunity arises?"

"...Kirk, Captain...SC937...3 7...0...1..."

"Will you?" The voice echoed loudly in his other ear. "It's begun. You cannot fight, can you?"

Tears leaked from the corners of his still smarting eyes. _Why couldn't he say it again? Why?_

"Tell me you'll fight. Tell me you wish to escape," Lequa prompted. "Then we will know we failed."

"...Kirk..." _No_, he cried silently to himself. _Don't give up. They'll come for him. He wanted them to come._

"Tell me," Lequa said warmly. "If you can."

"I...can't..."

"You cannot do what?" Lequa's voice washed over him.

"...don't want...to..." Jim mumbled feebly, breaking inside as his will had been contorted to fit the Re'an way. Anger simmered beneath the surface, not that it was any use to him. The drug was stealing his very desire to flee. He thought of Bones, but something unknown and strange within him was trying to banish the idea that the doctor and the rest of his crew would come for him. He groaned. "...don't...want to...fight..."

"Good," crooned the prince.

The praise stung, mocking him, and a low, mournful protest emerged from Jim's lips.

"You've made excellent progress. Be happy that your desire and ability to fight has departed from you. It is what defines the Re'an as we work towards utter tranquility within our culture. You will see life through our eyes soon."

Lequa paused, and Jim only sensed his body being manipulated out of the chair from the pressure in his arms and legs. There was a forceful degree of pressure hitting the left side of his body and then nothing. The prince spoke again, this time from afar.

"I'll return shortly with our chosen one. You're on the floor, my son, no longer in the chair but on your side. I advise you again to try to remain as still as possible. I know it's a difficult thing to do, given your circumstances, but this room contains things which could harm you. I don't imagine you'll be going anywhere until I return. Simply put, you're too vulnerable in this state. But I will not be gone long. As I've said before, I do not allow unnecessary harm to come to my children."

Jim lay still, stripped of everything that made him James T. Kirk. Completely helpless, he was trapped in a horrid, closed world. Somewhere deep inside of himself, he knew that he must abhor this situation. He must. He only needed to access that hatred.

Resigned, he realized that Lequa was right. He was too vulnerable. Not only had Jim lost the desire to escape, he was blind and his body unfeeling.

With every single ounce of resistance gone from his body, Jim finally wanted to do what Bones had asked him to do in the first place. He was finally willing to allow his friends to help him. Ironically, now he'd never have the chance to do so.

He had sacrificed himself for his crew. He would sacrifice himself again and again if he had to, but his present truth hurt more than ever. He had lost them, and that hurt more than anything that the Re'an had done to him or he could imagine them doing. His hope that the Enterprise was coming back for him had all but disappeared, fading now as his sight and urge to resist had already been torn from his grasp.

Somehow, his arm found a spot under his head as his body naturally curled into a ball, and his lips brushed the skin of the back of his hand. Feeling completely abandoned and alone, Jim's tears rolled slowly down his face and onto the cold unforgiving floor without him even knowing.


End file.
